Page 52 of Class Clown

“Again, it’s a porcupine,” Aryn stated.

“Brooks was out of the room when that was discussed. He had to get a notebook,” Meredith teased.

“A porcupine?” Brooks mumbled. I could picture him shaking his head, and scratching at his dark beard. It cheered me up entirely. “Alright . . ..”

“Quinn is relentless,” I replied. “Cole says he spoke with the forest rangers, but so far, since he isn’t aggressive and only follows me, they aren’t exactly hustling to relocate him.”

A throat cleared. “Um, am I to understand that you’ve named him?” Brooks asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “He’s a porcupine hit man biding his time before he quills me and calls you all for ransom money. He needed a name.”

“We aren’t supposed to talk about hitmen,” Meredith reminded.

“Even if it’s an animal?” I asked.

“Great.” Brooks clapped his hands together. “And that’s my cue to head out. You ladies enjoy the rest of your conversation. Rubes, always a pleasure. I’ll leave you with a reminder that congressmen do not need letters about wayward porcupines.”

“Maybe a congressmen would love a letter like that,” Meredith argued on a laugh. “Might make his day.”

“I stand corrected, as usual. Good night, ladies.” Brooks laughed too and left the room.

“I’m searching online while we talk, and it says porcupines are attracted to salty things, and especially like human sweat,” Lizzie said. “They’re into things like ax handles or boat oars, items that people have left sweat marks on.”

I squeaked. “Oh my gosh, I sweat so much. It wants to take me back to its lair as a salt lick.”

“Did you also know that they can scream?” Lizzie continued.

“Fantastic. Now I have to worry about it screaming outside my window at night. I can’t live like that.” I half cried, half giggled. “This is the most ridiculous thing ever.”

“I’ll bet Nico would take care of it for you,” Aryn joked.

I slumped. “Nico refuses to give up any military strategy secrets, and Cole finds it hilarious. I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to help it stow away in my car at the end of camp.”

“Tell him you’re scared. I’ll bet an ex-Marine would really go for the damsel in distress thing,” Lizzie said.

“I’ve never been, nor will I ever be, a damsel in distress,” I responded.

“That’s right.” Hailey joined in. “Don’t change yourself to trap this guy. Trap him with the real Ruby.”

They all cheered, with one of them doing a very impressive whistle.

“You guys are no help.” I moaned.

“Ah, Rubes, we just want you to be happy. You’re having a lot of adventures this summer, and we’re jealously living through you. Have fun with it.” Aryn soothed.

“And maybe lay off the cough syrup,” Meredith added.

After another half hour of them catching me up on their lives, we said our goodbyes. My nose was running, my eyes burned, and my throat ached as I gathered myself up and began the trek back to Funky Bunks.

Night had fallen by the time I stepped outside, but it was still light enough to see Quinn rise from his resting position and begin to waddle after me.

“Are you hoping to lick the sweat off my cold, dead arms or something?” I called to him.

A booming laugh sounded ahead of me and I spun to see Cole coming up the path from our cabin. “Please tell me I heard that wrong.”

I grinned, coughed, sniffled, and stopped walking when we had closed the distance. “Did you know porcupines like human sweat? I think that’s why he’s following me.”

Cole’s grin flashed and he patted my shoulder. “Hey, don’t sell yourself short, you have a lot of winning attributes that would make you attractive to the native rodent population.” He looked closer at me and stepped away. “You’re sick.”

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