Page 66 of The Yips

When Kelsey and I arrived at the hotel for the night, it felt like an entire week had elapsed. While my father’s fall had initially been thought of as a suicide attempt, it had become clear that it was an unfortunate accident. Thankfully, the fall out the window had only been one story high, and he landed on a pile of trash that cushioned his fall. The window glass left him pretty scratched up, and his wrists were sprained, but things could have been a lot worse.

My mother and Josie were booked at our hotel, and after a shower, we planned to meet them at the hotel restaurant for dinner. Kelsey’s father had spent the entire day with Crew, so Kelsey planned to bring the baby along and leave early if he became cranky.

We’d taken turns visiting Dad, but the most significant impact was when my mother showed up for him. She was the one who finally convinced him to go to rehab. While his injuries would typically not have risen to the level of an overnight stay, his blood alcohol level upon admission washigh enough that he needed monitoring as he detoxed from alcohol. The long-term, sustained use of alcohol had increased his risk of seizures and even a stroke. In the morning, he would travel to northern Vermont and sign into a treatment center in Stowe.

Kelsey and I took turns entertaining Crew while the other showered. We both dressed casually for dinner. I had invited her father, but he seemed to think we’d be better off with only our family at dinner. I thought he was probably looking for a break after being with the baby all day.

“Thank you for today,” I said to Kelsey as we rode the elevator to the lobby floor.

“I’m not sure what you think I did, but I still have imprints from the waiting room chair on my ass.”

“That’s just it. I didn’t want to be alone, and I wasn’t. My feelings for my dad are complicated. I’m angry at him for what he’s done to our family, but I’m also terrified that he won’t ever turn his life around. There was a time when I was young when he was a terrific husband and father. When his career started to wind down, everything changed.” My arm hung loosely around Kelsey’s waist; I’d felt a near-constant need to connect to her by touch; it had hurt reliving it, but I wanted her to know my story and understand me.

“When was that?”

“Things started to go bad when I was eight or nine; my mom stayed until I was twelve. The last straw for her was when he threw a fit and screamed at me during one of my Little League games. When the coach tried to stand up for me, he got into a fistfight at the ballpark. I was mortified and wanted to quit baseball after that day.”

“Oh my God, Sam. That’s horrible.” It had been horrible.At twelve, I was still finding my way socially; my father was already in the public eye, and the masses picked apart everything he did. After that game, I wanted to quit, and I never wanted to face my coach or my teammates again.

“I had gotten used to anticipating his moods at home and often took the brunt of any punishment meant for Josie. But that day, I was in a zone. He wanted me to ignore my coach and pay attention to his calls. Even though I struck out the side that inning, I’d failed because I hadn’t listened to him. Through a lot of therapy, I’ve come to understand his feelings; he felt my failure as his, but ever since then when he comes to one of my games, I expect there to be a disaster. I’m on edge the entire game, and every bit of criticism, warranted or not, feels like a goddamned knife to the heart. What do I need to do for him to pat me on the back? Or tell me, good game? Or shit, could he even let me know he’s proud of me?”

“Shit, Kelsey. I’m not even Crew’s father. But when that little dude works hard and rips a huge belch, I’m proud of him. Here I am, pitching a perfect game, and it’s not good enough.”

“That was why you were a wreck the night I first met you,” Kelsey observed. “But Sam, none of this is about you, you know that, right?”

“Well, with the family history of alcohol abuse, it disgusts me that your first memory of me was when I was shitfaced.” Of all things, it had to have been bourbon I’d turned to. I’d even smelled like him that night.

“I know you, Sam, that’s not you,” she whispered as she tucked in closer to my side.

“But it wasn’t him either until it was. He loved my mom more than anything, but still, he fell apart.” This wouldalways be the hardest for me to accept. My father hadn’t always had a problem. Knowing that things could go off the rails, he was a living and breathing example of one of my biggest fears.

CHAPTER 59

Kelsey

Yes, I had just spent the entire day with Sam’s mother and sister in a hospital waiting room, but the focus up until now was on Sam Sr. and his recovery plan. Once he had agreed to go to rehab, the mood change was palpable. I couldn’t imagine watching my father get lost to this disease. He’d been known to enjoy a few too many beers over the years, but he’d never been drunk enough to fall out of a window.

So much of Sam’s personality had developed because of his experiences as a child of an alcoholic. I loved how observant he was to Crew’s and my needs, but damn if it didn’t break my heart knowing why he did it. We all have scars; you don’t expect to see scars this deep in a man so kind and successful.

With the All-Star break, the next week was supposed to be a travel week to Texas to visit Josie and then to the game on Thursday night. Immediately following that, we’d be heading to Colorado. The travel was ramping up with several West Coast series in the next month. Being so far away from his father weighed on Sam, butbetween his mother, sister, and Gramps, they would find a way to have someone available. The treatment facility did not allow visitors for the first four weeks, but there were still medical risks when someone detoxed from alcohol.

When we got to the restaurant, the host told us that the rest of our party had already been seated. She offered a high chair for Crew, but he still wasn’t ready for one. He was a lap guy still.

“Shit, I should have brought his car seat in case he falls asleep.”

“I can hold him if he sleeps,” Sam said. Since we’d returned from the hospital, Sam had been holding Crew as much as possible. And Crew seemed to understand that Sam needed that comfort.

Josie and Veronica stood to greet us, embracing me first and then Sam and Crew.

“Oh my God, who is this guy,” Josie gushed as she and Veronica fought over who would hold Crew first. He went willingly and had a fistful of Veronica’s hair before I could stop him. Both women had taken over holding and entertaining him, and neither hesitated to welcome us into their family fold.

After we sat down, the waitress took our drink orders, and Sam immediately ordered an appetizer. We’d all eaten minimally at the hospital and were starving. Sam and Josie were a perfect combination of their parents. Veronica’s beauty was striking, and her modeling career had continued well into her late thirties and early forties. Josie had just started making a name for herself.

I had expected to be intimidated by them, but they were incredibly down to earth. Neither of them noticed the apprising looks of the other restaurant customers, and theycertainly did nothing to try to increase the attention that was on us.

“Mrs. Drummond?” I asked hesitantly.

“Call me Ronnie, but that’s not my last name. I went back to DeLuca after the divorce.”

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