Page 88 of The Yips

The paternity test had returned quicker than expected, and since then, Kelsey has been doing her best to include Tom in Crew’s life. We still planned for the first meeting in Colorado when we traveled to the West Coast, but we’d been doing our best to make the transition work. If we failed with this, it would only lead to a legal battle, and no matter what happened, Crew would be the one who lost.

My father had continued in rehab and had begun writing letters to us as part of his recovery. We all had a significant amount of healing we needed to do, but for the first time, I felt he was going to do it.

I wiped the tears as Kelsey watched from across the kitchen. Although this last letter was full of apologies, I could understand his sense of loss and unraveling at the endof his baseball career. The feeling of being on the mound, taking the game into my own hands, and succeeding was high and could never be replaced. And as he became less dominant, he chased that high with drugs and alcohol.

“Are you okay?”

“Sorry, tears of relief. It’s like my dad is finally going through the emotions he should have faced twenty years ago.”

“He masked it with booze,” Kelsey observed. She checked the monitor, and once she realized Crew was still okay, she sat next to me at the kitchen island.

“Yeah. And it sounds like he and my mom are finally working through things.” My mother planned to visit him on the first family visiting day. I let Kelsey read the letter and waited for her thoughts.

“I won’t lie. I wasn’t expecting your mom to show up at the hospital for your dad. After everything that happened between them, the love between them is surprising.”

“His drinking is the only reason they split up. I always associated it with a fit he threw at one of my Little League games, but there had been a lead-up to what happened. If Josie and I weren’t involved, they would still be together. He might also have been able to get treatment, but once he crossed that line, my mother realized we were her priorities. She gave up on him.”

“Well, it sounds like he’d given up on himself long before then.”

“I don’t know, Kels. He found his mother dead when he was ten. She’d committed suicide.”

“Oh, my God, Sam. That’s terrible. This was Gramps’ wife?”

“Yeah. As an adult, I can see why the relationship is socomplicated. As a kid, I just wanted my dad to show up at my games and cheer me on, not scream at me.”

“I think you feel that way as an adult, too,” she said.

“It might just happen. But Kels, what happens if I can’t deal with it when it’s over? What if I can’t handle leaving my career behind? Do you think I will end up like him?”

“Then we just work together to find something better than your career. Why do you do it?”

“Do what? Play ball? I don’t know that I ever felt that there was another option. Gramps, my dad, and now me. We all played.”

“Gramps played?”

“He played AAA. When he married my grandmother, he left baseball. She had untreated borderline personality disorder; he likely would have been called up, but the travel involved would not have been okay for her.”

“Do you think he regrets it?”

“Not for a second. But being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness or addiction can also be traumatic. You spend your life walking on eggshells, not knowing whether it’s a good or bad day. When I was eight, my father went on a ten-day bender, and at the same time, I failed a spelling test. Of course, I blamed myself for his actions.”

“Do you still love the game?”

“I do. The travel wears me down more than it used to, but so many guys would kill to be able to do what I do. I still want to accomplish things, but since you and Crew came into my life, I haven’t only looked to baseball to fulfill me. But here’s the thing: If my career were gone tomorrow, you and what we have would be enough for me. I don’t understand why we weren’t enough for him.”

“It’s not that you guys weren’t enough forhim. He was the problem. Something was missing inside him. If you aren’t complete, you can have everything and still not be okay.”

“If you knew my parents, Kels, you would understand they were end game. And then they split up.”

“Who knows, Sam? Maybe their game isn’t over.”

I sighed, changing the subject, “Anne is sending over the proposal for you to review. She doesn’t need comments until later tomorrow. As much as I want to review this immediately, can we have a night just for us?”

Kelsey stood before me, wedged between my legs, and cupped my cheeks in both hands, rubbing the tension in my forehead and temples with her thumbs. “What is it you’d like to do?”

“Let’s go sit up on the roof. It’s a beautiful night. You think Crew is down for the night?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

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