Page 84 of Cost of Courting

“Do you?”

“No, not really. I’m just tired and angry. I don’t know what they want, but I don’t trust them.”

Eben laughs softly. “They hurt you badly. Will you ever forgive them?”

I hesitate, wanting to say no but knowing that the answer is yes. I bang my head against the bricks and look up into the sun. The birdsong is loud; the air smells like booze and dirt, and Eben is here. Now, I always saw Eben as a brother, and that feeling is still strong.

“Forgiveness isn’t the issue. They’re going to leave again, they won’t stay here, and I can’t abandon these people. It’s a moot point.”

“I don’t think so. I think forgiveness is healing, and it can change everything. You’d be surprised what my cousin is willing to give up to keep you happy and safe.”

He laughs, and that damn smile comes back. Mael smiles like that, but more intentionally and less freely. Or he used to.

“Are you asking for forgiveness or giving it?”

Eben rolls up onto his feet and grabs one of the porch poles and twirls around it.

“Shale and Mael are searching for me. Do you know what they want?” he asks me quietly. “They need to leave me alone.”

“Well, judging by how much Mael cares about you, I’m going to guess it’s just wanting to know you’re okay,” I say dryly.

Eben leans his head back and flings his arms wide. “The sun isn’t quite as bright here. I miss the sounds of the hawks and bugs. It’s so quiet in the city.”

I frown, watching as he drops his arms. “You’re not going to stay, are you?”

He crouches down and cocks his head to the side. “I heard a rumour that Mael was in trouble.”

“Yes, they are while they are here. It would be safer if they left. But I’ve got it handled.”

“I’ve heard a bit about what’s going on here. It would be safer if you left.”

I don’t bother answering him. The truth is, I’m not going anywhere. We both know it.

“Yeah, I thought that about you. I remember how stubborn you were. Your dad used to tell you to do something, and you’d put your hands on your hips, look up at him, and say, ‘why?’ You never did anything you were told unless it suited you.”

I snort. “I was always a smart kid.”

“Why was it Mael that caught your eye and not Shale? My brother was older and more aggressive. More independent. Prettier, even.”

I pause, thinking about it. “He wasn’t mine. Have you met a person who was yours, Eben? A person who made your entire world make sense? They turned on everything: lights, reason, dreams, hope, feelings. It all made the world unimaginably wonderful? Even when it was awful, and, because you were together, it was perfect?”

Eben frowns down at his hands. “Yeah, and when they disappear, it’s a million times worse because they were the light in your life, and now you don’t live anymore, you exist in the grey, waiting to hear their name, their voice, their laugh. Anything that can give you a spark of what you once felt.”

“Yes,” I breathe.

“Sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“So, you’re pullingaway because?”

I stand up and pace. “We don’t know each other. We shouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“It’s because we barely know each other that we should. Besides, we’re family.”

“Why aren’t you fixing things, then?”

Eben’s shoulders curl. “I did something so bad, no one would ever forgive me, let alone him.”

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