Page 11 of Faking It (and falling in love)

“It would be my pleasure,” said Alex. “Nice food, nice wine, nice company. I can do all of that, it’s really no hardship.”

“Really? That’s brilliant,” said Philippa, feeling her face go warm. “And of course, if I can return the favour at any time, please do let me know.”

“I might well take you up on that,” said Alex, with a glint in her eye. “I may have a thing coming up in a few weeks, but I’ll let you know.”

“You do that,” said Philippa. “Anyway, I feel like we should get to know each other a bit better, don’t you? We need to do this justice.”

“That sounds very sensible. In another life I’d have suggested a round of ‘never have I ever’ to get things cracking, but in the spirit of being a proper grown-up, I’ll keep that on ice.”

Philippa giggled. “For today, at least. Tell me about you – are you an only child? Do you have siblings? What kind of holidays do you like?”

“Yes, no and hot ones,” said Alex, raising an eyebrow. “But I get where you’re going with this. You need to know who I am and what I’m all about if we’re going to pull this off.”

“Exactly,” said Philippa, taking a sip from her wine glass. She settled back into her seat as Alex told her about her life, her studies at university, travelling around Asia in her twenties and settling down to a career in graphic design in her thirties.

“And here I am now,” said Alex, draining her glass, “forty-something and drinking beer in a queer bar I’ve been frequenting for twenty years. Summarised like that, it all seems rather insignificant.” She sniffed.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” said Philippa. “You’ve known who you were for the last twenty years. It would seem I haven’t.” She felt the warmth from her glass of wine settle pleasantly in her stomach. Part of her wanted to reach out and take Alex’s hand, tell this woman how impressive it was that she had had such adventures and had always been who she was, but she held herself back. She didn’t want to risk becoming what Sienna in the office would call a ‘fangirl’.

“There are lots of ways to know yourself,” said Alex, gazing out of the window. “Sexuality is just one small part of a person.”

“It doesn’t feel very small to me,” said Philippa, suddenly slightly irked at the casual way Alex spoke.

“No, I’m sorry,” said Alex, immediately turning her head to face Philippa. “That didn’t come out right. I know you’ve just turned your whole life upside down and it is a really, genuinely, massive thing. Perhaps I need reminding of that sometimes.” She searched Philippa’s eyes before continuing. “I guess there are just many different ways we do or don’t know ourselves.”

“Yes, well that’s definitely true,” said Philippa, allowing her shoulders to drop and relax again. She knew she was very sensitive about this at the moment, and she appreciated Alex’s openness. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”

“No, you didn’t, you just told me how you felt,” Alex replied, with an easy smile. “I quite like that, actually. It’s surprisingly rare.”

“I’ve never been able to keep my mouth shut. Sometimes it works in my favour. Other times, not so much,” said Philippa with a sheepish grin.

“Come on then, your turn to answer questions. Have you been on any dates yet? Kissed anyone?” Alex was looking straight at her, and Philippa suddenly felt the other woman’s eyes penetrating deep into her soul, in a way that made her lose concentration.

Philippa took a deep breath to collect herself. “No and no.”

“Ha, well, I kind of asked for that,” said Alex, fidgeting with one of her bangles. “You like Gillian Anderson, huh? Good choice. I was a big fan ofThe X Files.”

“But she’s so much hotter now,” said Philippa, revelling in being able to have this conversation without second guessing what the person she was with might think.

“Oh yes,” said Alex. “I think in general, we all get more attractive as we age.”

“I guess in my case that’s rather fortunate,” said Philippa.

“Oh yes?” said Alex, a smirk on her face.

“Um, well, you know,” said Philippa, stumbling over her words, “given I’m a little late to the party.”

“To hell with that, this party is only just getting started, my dear.” There was a sparkle in Alex’s eyes that thrilled Philippa. Perhaps this relationship wasn’t quite as false as she’d thought. And perhaps that was no bad thing. Being here in this bar surrounded by other queer people, with Alex, feeling relaxed and enjoying herself, she could begin to imagine that they were more than just recent acquaintances.

They continued their conversation, comparing celebrity crushes, until Philippa summed up the courage to ask Alex about herself. “So what about you? Anyone special in your life?”

“Oh no, not for a while,” said Alex, her eyes clouding for a moment, “but I have my fun here and there.” She waggled her eyebrows.

“So I gather,” said Philippa, smiling, but worrying at the same time that Alex might not be open to relationships that lasted more than a short time. She knew herself well. She wasn’t the kind of person to have a fling. She knew she wanted a meaningful relationship. She knew she wanted to settle down, and make sure that this time, it was with the right person.

“So,” said Alex, leaning forward and gazing into Philippa’s face. “I’ve had a thought…” she began, but before she could say any more, her phone pinged. She looked down and immediately stiffened and sat up. “Ah, sorry, something’s come up. I need to go.”

“Of course,” said Philippa, trying to mask her surprise and disappointment.

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