Page 113 of Back Room Host

I didn’t want to hurt Juri, but it seemed that’s exactly what I had done with the film.What an asshole I am.At least I could say with a clear conscience that I wasn’t here for the project. From the beginning, I didn’t expect Juri to give me permission to submit the material. I was here because it was important to me that he watched the whole film. The film alone was my concession to him. Even if it was based on a lie, it expressed everything I felt for Juri. I saw him as who he was. With all the damn baggage he carried with him.

“The film is really good,” Alex said, nodding with an appreciative expression.

“Yeah, man,” Noé agreed. “What are you still doing here? Go after him already.” He tilted his head to the side as if daring me, while Alex sat behind him, holding him in his arms with a mischievous grin.

37

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Juri

From the moment I saw Luca, something inside me froze. I wasn’t ready for him yet, but I couldn’t manage to leave the apartment. I didn’t want to watch the film either, but I lacked the strength to assert myself. When the fifteen minutes were up, I knew exactly what would come next. He wanted my consent, and it overwhelmed me. I stood by the window, deep in thought, with a heavy feeling in my chest.

I felt like I was suffocating. My heart raced, and I tried somehow to gather my thoughts. Of course, the film had stirred up plenty of memories within me. They now surged up like a volcano. I didn’t know what would happen if it erupted, but it terrified me.

Damn, why can’t I just switch it off?

I had mastered the art of detaching my mind from my body. I had practiced and perfected it for years. I was able to dismiss the incident so confidently. But now, everything came crashing down on me as if nothing had been resolved. Never had I felt so close to my body. I felt the icy coldness, the hairs on my body standing up, blood rushing thunderously through my head, and an uncomfortable pulling sensation in my stomach. I pressed my knuckles against my lips as if that could counteract it, but instead, tears welled up in my eyes.

How pathetic.

As if that wasn’t enough, Luca had spread like a virus inside me, tearing down all my walls. The film served as a mirror, reflecting aspects of myself I had momentarily forgotten amidst the excitement of the past week spent working with Alex, a time so new and exhilarating that I had lost sight of my true self. Fifteen minutes had been enough to remind me.

And I felt ashamed of it. Shame was bad. I could cope with a lot of things. Humiliation. Pain. Hunger. But I couldn’t fight against shame. Only …

A thought shot through my mind like lightning.

Screw being clean.

It hadn’t even been a week since I had made a promise to Alex. I had even been to a group session once with Noé. But everything was becoming too much for me. I just wanted to go home and get high. Thankfully, Romero was my neighbor. And if he was out, I would call Clé. Just as I gave in and turned around, the door opened and Luca walked in.

Shit …

I scowled and turned away from him again; it was impossible for me to put on an indifferent expression. I still felt like I was suffocating and gasped for air once.

“You’re trembling,” Luca said softly. He stood a few steps behind me and apparently didn’t dare to come closer.

“Can’t you leave?”

“No, I can’t.”

I snickered. “Of course. You’re here because you want my consent.”

“That’s not true. I’m here because of you.”

“Haven’t I inspired you enough?” My gaze wandered over the rooftops of Zurich, and I sighed silently.

“You said you have feelings for me.”

I rubbed my forehead, my breaths coming in halting gasps. “Just forget it.”

“I can’t,” he said. “I’ve delved into the material I had from you for two weeks and edited this film, only to realize in the end that I’ve been fooling myself. None of these recordings can replace you. I miss you. And it’s driving me crazy. You’ve filled a void in my life that I didn’t even know existed. I don’t want to be alone anymore. Please, Juri. Give me a chance.”

A tear trickled down my cheek, which I wiped away. Luca’s words hurt because they made me acknowledge that I still had feelings for him. As if to counteract that realization, I straightened my shoulders and observed the vast sky. Above, a raven soared through the rooftops toward the city center, and dusk had set in. A huge lump in my throat formed, and I couldn’t bring myself to say a word.

“Please. Tell me what you need. What can I do?” Luca’s voice became more pleading, and I could hear his footsteps slowly approaching me.

Like a robot, I turned around. He stood two steps away from me, gazing at me hopefully.

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