Page 85 of Back Room Host

Inside my head, screams echoed, but only feeble gasps escaped my lips. The pulse pounded in my head like a ticking bomb ready to detonate at any moment.

Suddenly, my father was torn away from me, disappearing into thin air. In his place knelt another figure, smiling down at me.

Luca.

I woke up drenched in sweat. It was only five o’clock according to my phone, and I hadn’t been out for long. The recurrence of this dream gave me pause, especially since Luca was now a part of it. For the past week, I’d been haunted by the same nightmare,my father looming over me like a malevolent specter, punishing me for my defiance. And now, Luca was in these visions, leaving me perplexed. While it was comforting to think of Luca as my protector, the nagging voice in the back of my mind refused to be silenced.

No one’s coming to your rescue. You’ve got to fend for yourself.

Will that ever get that?

I sat up and rubbed my face, surprised by how being choked during sex or using choking games to calm myself down aroused me. Something must have shifted in my mind because being choked in my dream was still pure horror.

Somehow, I was relieved Luca wasn’t here right now. He’d probably switch on the recorder again and grill me. The smile that flitted across my face because of that made it official: I was in love with him—and hopelessly lost.

And that, even though I hardly knew anything about him.

Even when I woke up from the self-strangulation nearly two weeks ago and he appeared devastated beside me, he managed to deflect from himself and avoid my question. I could guess that the reason he was so messed up probably had to do with his past. It was okay if he didn’t want to talk about it. Everyone had their limits. But the conversations with him had made me more relaxed over the past few days, and Luca now knew a lot about me. Maybe there would come a time when he trusted me as much as I trusted him.

Wait. What?

I shook my head incredulously. Yes, I had to admit, Luca gained my trust. But how? Was it the many conversations? When we initially started, the questions were still reserved, but something had changed since that day nearly two weeks ago. Luca’s questions had become more explicit. He had dug deeper and deeper. At first, it had irritated me a lot, so I refused toanswer, but throughout our many conversations, I learned to look at certain things from a distance.

Just thinking about Luca stirred something in me. His body was so hot. And the sex we just had was on a different level. There was so much more between us. The way he looked at me, kissed me tenderly, and touched me as if I were precious. I had never experienced anything like it.

For a week, my thoughts had been going crazy. Luca did something to me. He made me stronger, more confident, even more hopeful. And yet there was this dark cloud hanging over me. I knew the time here was like a fairy tale that would eventually end. The many rejections in my mailbox confirmed that. It was already mid-January. The fact was, if something didn’t happen soon, I could forget about getting an apprenticeship for this year.

Maybe I should think about starting somewhere for an internship salary. It wouldn’t pay all the bills yet, but it would be worth a try.

But as what?

I wasn’t suited for an office job, that much was clear. And working in a shop was not my thing either. I had even thought about switching to service like Luca, behind a bar or in a café, but that didn’t seem right to me either. I wanted to do something manual. Something where I could move and be creative in some way. Mixing drinks wasn’t enough for me.

Argh! Get off your high horse again! As if you have a choice!

I got dressed, went to the bathroom, and drank a glass of water in the kitchen. Seeing Luca's bedroom door closed, I assumed he was probably engrossed in working on his film project. Since I hadn’t asked in a while, I didn’t know the current status, so I went over and quietly opened the door. I didn’t want to disturb him, yet the desire to see him, to feel his warmth, pulled me in like a magnet. I entered the room quietly.

He sat with his back to the door at his desk and didn’t notice me. A movie was playing on the large curved monitor in front of him. He clicked the mouse and appeared to be editing a video. I was about to say something when he clicked Play and the movie started.

“My first client approached me on Langstrasse. I was out with friends. They were in the bar, and I was outside smoking. That’s when this guy started talking to me. He offered me fifty bucks if he could blow me. I could have told him I wasn’t a hustler, but I was curious. Besides, I had nothing to lose. So I went with him.”

A chill ran down my spine, leaving me frozen in place. He had been recording me the entire time, even during our first interview. The screen showed me tapping a cigarette over an ashtray and bringing it back to my lips. My arm and a fragment of my chin were visible, yet it was enough to send my pulse skyrocketing.

I exhaled loudly, taking a step back, feeling paralyzed. My skin felt ablaze, my lungs constricted. The room spun around me, and I desperately needed something to hold onto. Instead, I stood motionless in the center of the room, mouth agape, completely immobilized.

Luca swiveled around on the chair to meet my gaze, his expression revealing his awareness of his mistake. He remained seated, eyes wide, staring at me. Several times, he attempted to speak, but the words seemed to elude him.

Gradually, I came back to myself and took a deep breath. “You filmed me.” At that moment, I didn’t even know if it was an accusation or just a statement. Dumbfounded, I ran my hand through my hair and tried again. “You filmed me.” I wanted to express my anger this time, but it was overshadowed by a disappointment that left me feeling empty. I tried to control my emotions, to figure out which one was appropriate for thismoment, but a storm raged in my head. And it was driven by my pounding heart. The blood roared through my ears loudly, and I only saw Luca moving his mouth. I couldn’t hear anything anymore.

How can you be so stupid and trust the guy! It’s obvious something like this would happen! So get moving already!

I summoned the strength to push aside the warmth and hurt feelings, adopting the cool and aloof demeanor I knew how to handle. A chill settled in my chest, freezing every emotion into ice, and my expression hardened.

“How could you?” I hissed accusingly.

Immediately, he stood up and took two steps toward me. “Please, I’m sorry, but I never directly filmed you. It was audio recordings.”

Meanwhile, the movie continued behind him. It showed me leaning forward slightly and reaching for the cigarettes. My face was clearly recognizable.

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