Page 108 of Notes About Vodka

“Why to Hell, baby girl. Alice is going to come take us away from this world one night. He promised.” My mom begins to laugh hysterically, then erupts into tears, sobbing. “He promised, he promised, he promised.”

In fear, I back away as my mother keeps repeating “he promised” over and over again, going from soft to loud to soft and back to loud.

Moving toward the door, I shake my head. I can’t keep doing this.

Fuck… I really don’t want to do this, but if I don’t… Come on, Laura, you have to think about your sanity and happiness. You are going to medical school. You can’t keep running to her.

“Laura,” my mom calls out before I leave.

“Yes, Mama,” I turn back to her.

“Go be a good girl and get me a pack of cigarettes, okay?”

“Okay, Mama.” I walk back over to my mom and wrap her in a big hug. She’s so skinny now. I pat her hair and place a kiss on her forehead.

“I’ll make sure you get some cigarettes mama. But, I don’t think I’ll ever see you again, okay? I love you, Mama, I love you so fucking much.” I pull her closer, hiding my sob in her filthy hair. Fuck she smells so bad. I hate this will be my forever memory. “Goodbye, Mommy,” I tell her as I release her. I don’t stop as I open the door and exit.

“Bye, baby, Mommy loves you,” she calls out as the door closes behind me.

Immediately, I find the doctor and I explain to him that Ihave to give up my rights to her. He understands and agrees that at my age, being a college student, it’s too much. Reaching out to James, he immediately accepts all responsibility and explains that he will come up the next day to deal with the situation. He also mentioned that he would contact my mom’s sister to see if she can come from Wyoming to help out for a few weeks.

Skipper hugs me tight, explaining that I made the right decision.

“You will get through all things Laura, you are strong, amazing, and a fighter.”

I hug my best friend tighter, wishing Rhea was here, too. I promise myself that I will call her in the morning once I get some sleep and a long hot shower.

After ensuring my mom is in good hands, Skipper drives me back home in silence. I'm numb, overwhelmed by the weight of what's happened. My decision to cut ties with my mom feels final now, a necessary but painful choice for my own well-being.

The weight of the last night settles heavily on my shoulders as we pull into the building where I live with Val. The sun is already coming up and I have to leave in a few hours. But I’m exhausted. I need sleep.

Loud snores come from our bedroom.

I retreat into the quiet of the guest room with Skipper, avoiding Val, retreating into silence and solitude. I’m unable to face him with the chaos of emotions swirling inside.

I can't bring myself to explain what happened, the guilt and anger still raw inside me.

It's only later, as I lie awake in the bed next to Skipper and so close to a man who claims to love me, that I realize how much I've shut Val out. Guilt floods me anew, knowing I left him confused and hurt without an explanation. But I'm notready to confront him, not yet. For now, I need time to process everything that's happened, to come to terms with the choices I've made for my own sanity and peace of mind.I wake up a few hours later, Val’s not home. Giving Skipper another hug, he walks me to the subway and then I head back to Baltimore on a train. By dinner I’m already getting lost in my work and research.

Trying to forget about disappointing Val and how I may not have lost my mom, but at the same time, I just lost my mom forever…and I may have just lost my second chance at a happily ever after, too.

Chapter Thirty-One

VAL

“Stay away from whipped cream vodka, unless you really want to skinny dip in the pool with your friends during the rain on 4th of July.”

I don’t understand the Fourth of July. Fireworks, patriotism, and barbecues don’t resonate with me, but I know one thing for certain: I need to make up for my behavior the other weekend when Laura was home. I’m using this trip to Baltimore to make things right with Laura. I need her to see how serious I am about her, about us.

I can’t believe I called her a bitch.

I immediately begged for Skipper’s help the next morning after the tip when we woke up to find Laura had already left. She didn’t even leave a note. Just a text to Skip later in the day that she was already back at the lab, working.

It took nearly a week of relentless text apologies and constant reaching out to Skipper, just for him to hear me out. He wasn’t having it at first. Said I needed to be “genuine, notjust sorry.” But I was, am, really sorry, and I finally break through when I admit how badly I’d overreacted.

Monday

Me: I really messed up. I know. I shouldn’t have called her that, or even thought that way. It wasn’t fair, or even true. Just—stupid and mean. I see it now.

---