Page 72 of Notes About Vodka

Later that evening, I’m at Val’s apartment. I’ve been feeling restless all day, and being around him seems to help. We’re sitting on the couch, a movie playing in the background, but neither of us is paying attention.

Val shifts closer, his hand brushing against mine. "You’ve been quiet tonight," he says softly. "Everything okay?"

I hesitate, looking down at our hands. "Yeah, just...a lot on my mind."

“You know, I really am sorry for how I acted last week when I woke up and you were gone. I’m glad you are still putting up with me. Blame it on my ADHD, or maybe I’ve been alone for too long. Because now that you are in my life, I just want to be everything for you.”

“I get that, Val, I’m just not used to having someone care the way that you do.”

“I’ll always care, for as long as you let me.”

“Really?”

“Really, Laura. I’m here, even when the world is flooding, I’ll carry you through the storm.”

“Okay,” I reply.

He doesn’t push or say anything else, instead letting the silence settle comfortably between us. After a moment, I take a deep breath and turn to him. "Val, can I... Can I kiss you? Like you just sit back and let me kiss you."

His brow furrows slightly, but he nods. "Of course. You know your lips are one of my favorite things about you. Kiss me whenever."

Without giving myself time to overthink, I lean in, pressing my lips to his.

For longer than I want to admit, I’ve felt trapped in my own head, weighed down by doubts and fears. Especially when it comes to intimacy and my own personal sexuality. Past experiences have made me hesitant, uncertain of what it means totruly let someone in without fear or regret. I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that vulnerability is a risk not worth taking, that guarding my heart is the only way to stay in control. But sitting here with Val, I start to wonder if it’s possible to rewrite that narrative.

What's in the past is the past, this isn't the same Laura.

But as I sit here with Val, I realize I need to stop running from what feels right. He’s been patient, steady, always showing up for me in ways I didn’t know I needed.

This kiss is different. I’m in control and I’m exploring Val’s mouth. It is a new move, and not just a leap forward—it’s a way to tell him I see him, that I’m ready to let him in. It’s a step toward something I’m finally brave enough to want.

For months since I first met Val, standing there behind the bar like he had always been expecting, waiting for me, I’ve been stuck in my own head. I keep replaying that moment, his dark brown eyes glinting gold as I neared, his easy smile making me feel wanted in a way I hadn’t expected as I walked up to the bar, soaked from the storm.

But as I look at Val, I realize I need to stop holding back. I need to let myself feel something real.

The kiss is slow and careful, yet it feels like breaking through the surface of water after being underwater too long—a breath of life I didn’t know I was missing.

I need this—to quiet my doubts, to remind myself that I can take a step forward without breaking apart. It’s slow and careful, but there’s an intensity behind it that surprises even me. Val responds gently, his hand moving to cup my cheek, and the world seems to fade away for a moment.

When we pull apart, I search his face for any sign of hesitation or doubt. All I find is warmth.

"I’m sorry," I murmur. "That was?—"

"Don’t apologize," Val interrupts, his voice soft but firm. "I’m glad you took control and kissed me the way you wanted. I liked it."

We stay close, foreheads touching, as the weight I’ve been carrying seems to lighten just a little.

"Val, there’s something I need to tell you."

His expression shifts, concern flickering in his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything. He just waits, his hand resting lightly on my arm.

I take a deep breath. "It’s about my mom, why I left you in my bed. She’s... She has schizophrenia." My voice wavers, and I hesitate, unsure if I can find the right words. "It’s hard to talk about because it’s been such a huge part of my life, and I’ve always felt like I had to handle it on my own. Like admitting it out loud makes it more real. It’s been bad for a long time, but she’s finally trying to get help. I’m just... I’m scared, Val. I’m scared I can’t be the person she needs me to be.” I look away, unable to meet his gaze. "She’s had so many episodes, so many moments where I’ve felt like I was losing her. And I’ve tried to be there for her, but sometimes it feels like too much. Like I’m not enough."

Val reaches out, gently tilting my chin so I’m looking at him again. "Laura, you’re not alone in this. You’re not supposed to carry it all by yourself. And you don’t have to be perfect, just be there. That’s what matters."

I blink back tears, his words sinking in. "You’re not going anywhere, are you?"

His smile is small but steady. "Not a chance."

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