Page 22 of The Gloaming

I laughed. “Yes, just a friend.”

He took a minute to process this. “And you dinnae have any other… friends?”

The question caught me off guard. I placed the last cup in the cabinet with extra care. “No, not really.”

He didn’t reply, and I didn’t break the silence. It hadn’t occurred to me to think about it that way. My circle had been small for so long… and now it was just me and Tom.

After a few minutes, he paused, dish towel in mid-air. “Is everything alright? I didnae mean to upset ye, lass. Only, ye seem… sad, now. Not that I’d assume my presence would light upa room of course, but…” A wolfish grin crossed his face. “It usually does.”

“Oh yeah?” I shook my head, shaking off the feeling and holding back a laugh. “No, I get that a lot. Resting bitch face and all that.”

He didn’t seem convinced. “You’re sure?”

I wanted to tell him my secrets. I wanted to get to know him, and for him to know me. Maybe it was because he was a stranger, or maybe I was tired of holding it all in. Either way, it didn’t matter. My secrets were secrets for a reason.

“I’m going to a funeral this afternoon,” I said. “So yeah, I suppose you could say I’m sad.”

“Ah. Someone you were close to?”

I swallowed. “My best friend. And the whole place will be full of people who think he killed himself.”Stop it, Erin.

“Did he?” His tone was innocent enough, but there was real curiosity there. Suicide seemed to bring that out in people.

“No. He wasn’t capable of it.” Why was I telling him the truth? “There was too much life in Jon for that.”

Cole didn’t respond, slowly drying the inside of a cup and placing it on the counter beside the others.

“I don’t mean to bare my soul or anything. I’m just pissed about the whole thing.” I pulled the plug from the sink with more force than was necessary, splashing water all down my front. “And I miss him,” I added quietly.

When I went to grab a towel, Cole was standing close behind me. My fingertips barely brushed the sleeve of his shirt, but it was enough to set my skin alight. I was suddenly veryaware of how his height made me feel small, how his presence seemed to fill the narrow space between the counters, the cool air between us charged with something I didn’t want to name yet.

“Aye,” he said, voice low. “I can tell.”

I tried to shrug it off and faced the sink again. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do without him. This place—” I gestured to the huge espresso machine, the mismatched tables and the bookshelves pressed against the walls. “It wasours, all of us, and now he’s gone and I’m supposed to do it on my own. It’s too much, and all I can think about is the stupid bloody dress…” I knew I was rambling, but the words held back my threatening tears.

“A dress?” The corner of his mouth twitched as I glanced up.

I shook my head. “I got a dress out to wear, and I feel like Jon would laugh at me for wearing it, but I don’t know what else to do.”

Cole’s chuckle reverberated in the small space between us, and I fell into its contagious rumble, laughing with him and marvelling as it filled my heart with something beyond heaviness and grief.

“Aye, well that’s one thing to focus on,” he said when we finally quieted down. “But think o’ it this way: your friend, Jon, you said? Would he truly mock you?”

I snorted. “Honestly, he wouldn’t give a shit what I wore.”

“Then there you have it, love,” Cole tilted his head, a mischievous glint in his eye. “Wear the damn dress.” He paused,then added, “Sometimes the best tribute is showin' the world you’re still here, dress and all.”

???

The wake was unbearable from start to finish.

“Such a waste…” I had no idea who said it first, but it was on everyone’s lips as we walked from the graveside, the cloying perfume of coffin lilies lingering in the cold air. I searched for Tom, hoping to find his hand and some comfort, but he was already at the gates, making polite conversation with Jim. I caught the end of their conversation as I got closer.

“… young. I can’t imagine what he must have been feeling. So lost and alone and with no other way out.”

I grimaced, and for a second, I thought Tom was trying to catch my eye – I’d been surprised to find him already dressed and ready to leave when I returned from the shop, but even now he was still keeping his distance. I mean, I wanted to grieve in peace and everything, but that peace included Tom. Instead, we were ignoring each other while we made idle chit-chat with strangers, all the time perpetuating the lie.

As the wake drew to a close, I peered around to see where Tom had gotten to, knowing what had to come next would be easier to deal with if he was there with me. Almost everyone was gone – just a few staff clearing away trays of leftover food and rearranging chairs remained.On your own again then, Erin.

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