Page 34 of After the Rain

"I can't wait to see Mr. Mitchell today," Cooper said. "He said yesterday that we might start working on our Mother's Day cards, and I have the best idea for mine."

The innocent excitement in his voice made me feel like a fraud. How could I explain to my six-year-old that I'd kissed his teacher and then ran away like a coward?

Driving to school, I took the long route, delaying the inevitable. When I finally reached the parking lot, I sat in my truck for five minutes, watching other parents drop off their kids with easy confidence. None of them looked like they were having existential crises about their sexuality.

I spotted Ezra through the classroom window, helping a student with their backpack. Even from this distance, I could see the careful way he moved, the patience in his posture. The memory of his hands on my face, his mouth soft and warm against mine, made my chest tighten with want and panic in equal measure.

Cooper was already unbuckling his seatbelt. "Come on, Daddy! We're going to be late!"

"Right. Sorry, buddy."

I forced myself out of the truck and into the organized chaos of morning drop-off. But instead of walking Cooper to his classroom like usual, I hung back by the entrance.

"Aren't you coming to say hi to Mr. Mitchell?" Cooper asked, looking confused.

"Not today, buddy. I need to get to work early. You go ahead."

Cooper's face fell slightly, but he nodded and ran toward his classroom. I watched through the window as Ezra greeted him with that warm smile, as Cooper chattered excitedly about something that made Ezra laugh.

For a moment, Ezra's eyes found mine through the glass. Even from thirty feet away, I could see the hurt and confusion there. He lifted his hand in a small wave, and I felt like the worst kind of coward as I turned away without responding.

At the office,I tried to focus on the Henderson renovation plans, but my hands were shaking too badly to hold a pencil steady. I spilled coffee on my desk, forgot the password to my computer twice, and spent twenty minutes looking for a file that was sitting right in front of me.

"Wade?" Marcus appeared in my doorway, concern written across his face. "You look like hell. What's going on?"

"Just tired. Didn't sleep well."

"When's the last time you ate something?"

I realized I couldn't remember. "I had coffee."

"Coffee isn't food." Marcus pulled his keys from his pocket. "Come on. We're going to lunch."

"It's ten AM."

"Then we're going to breakfast. You look like you're about to keel over."

The Moonbeam Diner was nearly empty at mid-morning, just a few retirees nursing coffee and reading newspapers. Marcus ordered for both of us while I stared out the window, watching normal people live their normal lives.

"Okay," Marcus said when the waitress left. "Talk to me. What's really going on? And don't say 'nothing' because I've known you for eight years and I've never seen you this rattled."

I wanted to tell him. The words were right there, pressing against my teeth. I think I'm gay. I kissed Cooper's teacher and now I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like I've been living someone else's life for thirty-eight years.

Instead, I said, "I'm having some... personal questions. About myself. About what I want."

Marcus leaned back in the booth, studying my face. "This about Sarah? The divorce?"

"Kind of. More about... what the divorce means. What it says about who I am."

The waitress brought our food—eggs and bacon and toast that I couldn't imagine forcing down. Marcus waited until she left, then studied my face with growing concern.

"Wade, talk to me. What's really eating at you?"

I stabbed at my eggs, trying to find words for questions I'd never thought I'd need to ask. "Marcus... can I ask you something? Hypothetically?"

"Of course."

"How do you know... I mean, how do people figure out what they actually want? Not what they think they should want, but what they really want?"

---