Page 132 of A Soul to Embrace

Where he sat was once his throne room – the place where his rule had ended.

Perhaps another would be upset by the state of the mess, but Jabez was unbothered. He had other things on his mind.

He didn’t like that once he immediately left Zylah’s presence, the only place he could think to go was Fayren’s. The little fox Demon had fretted upon finding him nearly passed out in front of her cottage, but his exhaustion and mana-depletion sicknesshad finally taken its toll on his body.

She’d annoyingly cooed and mothered him as she dragged his weak body to her bed, and then he passed out immediately. Fayren had attempted to help with the fever racking his body by dabbing a cold compress against his forehead. She’d stopped when she realised it only woke him whenever she approached, and he’d grabbed her wrist to prevent her from touching him.

She left him be, seeing that he didn’t want nor need her help, and she was only disturbing him from finally achieving rest.

For weeks he’d been suffering from a lack of sleep.More like years.His mind had never truly felt at ease – always alert for danger, always whirling with dark and unwelcome thoughts.

As much as the ookmanik had ensured he suffered, he’d managed to gain at least twelve hours of rest – which was more than he could say for most of his life on Earth.

He’d hidden all this from Zylah, of course. He wasn’t one to admit to his weaknesses, especially not in front of someone clearly upset. It was partly the reason he’d left. If he’d continued to stay and argue with her, he likely would have collapsed.

He also did truly believe she needed time tothink.

I didn’t expect her to offer to come to Nyl’theria on my behalf,he thought as he picked up a small chipped stone and inspected it. He realised he should have, but he’d just been foolishlyhopingshe wouldn’t.

He’d considered her offer idiotic, not that he would say that to her bony face.Her emotions were just high. She had no idea what she was saying.Not the weight of it, nor the repercussions.

She’d forgiven him far too easily, and he found that to be rather absurd.She cares for me a lot more than I thought.As honoured as he felt about that, the issue remained that it was making her foolish. No one’s heart should be this set on a personto the point they’d completely disregard the horrible things someone had done in the past.

But that’s what Mavka are like.Once they had their heart on something or someone, they were hard to dissuade. They didn’t think nor act like a human and were emotional creatures.

Now that he’d slept, finally recuperating enough mana that expending it shouldn’t lead to any more problems, he sighed at his behaviour. He tossed the stone aside in annoyance at himself.

I should have just kept my fucking mouth shut.It would have been much easier had he not stupidly blurted out his own fucked-up, confused, and insane feelings. Feelings he had no idea how to dissect and assess. None of it made sense, yet they were obviously present, and he had no idea if they ran deeper than merely surface level.

They could be nothing but infatuation and curiosity. Maybe even loneliness eased by the contentment he found near her. They could even be more than just simple desire – but one thing he did know for certain, lust did not make him act like an explosiveidiot.

Sure, it could blindside him like anyone who was obsessed with another, but it shouldn’t make him act irrationally. It shouldn’t make him stand in a cave and shout at a crying female pouring her heart out to him, just because seeing her damn tears wounded him.

With his elbow stabbing into his folded knee, he shoved his fingers into his clenched eyes in frustration at himself.What is wrong with me?

His thoughts were unravelling more than usual, chaotic and intrusive in the worst way possible. Where was his hyperfixation for his revenge? Why was he sitting on a pile of rubbish instead of heading through the portal hidden away by a garden just on the other side of the wall in front of him?

The answer was simple: it was because he didn’t want to, and the reason lay over a thousand kilometres away in a fucking cave. Probably crying, wondering if he actually did not intend to return because of her foolish jab at him.

Perhaps she didn’t want him to.

That would make things much easier for him. A clean cut was always easier to mend, rather than the mess he’d torn between them.

I know I don’t love her.Love was just not an emotion he was capable of. He was too ruined inside, too broken. He’d removed his tender heart when he’d been a mere boy and made sure to never transplant another one within him. What sat in his chest was an empty hole no one could fill.

Not the female Demons he’d attempted to court, all of whom failed to gain his full affection. Not Katerina, who he thought may have been a good fit for him, as she’d been toxic in all the ways he was – manipulative, cunning, broken.

Unfortunately, they were also traits he disliked in himself.

But I would be an idiot to ignore that Zylah loves me.At least, to some degree. Enough to shed her own morals and join him in his war like a lovesick woman chasing after a careless man.

He doubted he’d ever be able to return such affection. He didn’t believe someone had to love themselves first to be loved, but the person just needed to seek it in some form. Jabez definitely lacked the first part of that sentiment, and he didn’t give a flying fuck about the second part.

He wanted nothing from anyone, unless it was to fuel his own bloodthirst.

Those had been his thoughts for the past three centuries, so why did he feel himself wavering now? For a fucking Mavka, no less.

She should hate him. In retrospect, she should have attempted to kill him for what he admitted. He was an atrociousperson, and he’d leaned on that his entire adult life. If he admitted to that, then anything he did was born from something wrong and evil within him. He’d used that as a way to shed any guilt, putting it up to being a cruel, unfeeling, self-orientated person.

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