Page 174 of A Soul to Embrace

Unlike those who had occupied the village beforehand, he needed youth, and he needed those who were instinctually violent. He needed people who were hungry to feed and would be ravenous for red Elven blood.

If it hadn’t been for Zylah...

Had he just been fucking alone, this night could have been the start of a rebellion against the Elven city. His goal could have been in his grasp, and he would have fed off the glee of it for ages. He would have had a small army already, and just needed to grow it.

I fucked up.His fuckingfeelingshad gotten in the way!This is why I don’t care for anybody.This was why he kept everyone at arm’s length, refusing to allow anyone to seep beneath his skin and ruin him.

Had it been anyone else, no matter who they were – Fayren, Katerina, fucking Goldie – he would have carelessly thrown them to the Demons as a sacrifice to get what he wanted. What was one more death of a companion if it meant success?

How could I let this happen? Why?

She was supposed to be able to take care of herself, so why thefuckhad she needed saving?! She was more formidable than him!

He’d brought Zylah because he hadn’t foreseen this happening, and he’d let his heart and dick get in the way of everything. This had never happened to him before, not this blatantly, and that knowledge was hard to swallow.

And yet, if he had to do it over again, Jabez knew... he knew, with every fibre of his being... he’dstillchoose Zylah in that moment. Even if he knew the outcome, her pain had just been too great against the will of his selfishness.

Somehow, she had become something greater to him. She’d burrowed into his chest, and he didn’t know how to stomach that either.

As much as he resented this outcome, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. It wasn’t her fault, and the decision had rested squarely on his shoulders. It’d been risky to begin with – he just hadn’t expected this turn of events. Then again, anything involving Zylah was unpredictable.

So what now?

I’ll have to face the Demons once more.This time with the knowledge that they likely knew his damning secret. He could bear that.

What he didn’t know if he could bear...I will have to take her back to Earth.He’d have to leave her behind if he wanted to move forward with this.

She was a liability.

She had become a glaring vulnerability for him.

He’d be incapable of thinking clearly should she be in such danger again. His enemies could try to use her as a way to control him.

When Lueka had told them to break her skull, without even knowing that was the one way to destroy her, something coldhad spread outwards from his sternum. Although he hadn’t registered it then, it had been intense fear, all for her sake.

He hadn’t felt fear like that since he was a young adult fighting for his life. It reminded him of the day the humans had cut off his ear and had been moments from bleeding him dry just for the possibility he held magic in his blood.

Irrational terror. The kind of horror that could warp one’s thoughts.

Just as it had this night.

I can’t... choose her.He didn’t know how to do that. He didn’t know how to get what he wanted and keep her.I can’t watch her be in pain because of me.

Just witnessing it once was enough to make his eyes crinkle and bow with anguish. He’d fucking grown a heart when he’d never wanted one!

But the idea of letting her go left him feeling hollow inside for some stupid reason. The emptiness in his chest that he’d been carrying his whole damn lifeachedat the prospect, and it was worse than when he’d killed his heart as a child.

When he’d been rotting away in his prison cell, he’d painfully gouged out the soft, calm, and submissive child he’d been. The boy who wanted to be nothing but a scholar in the hopes that gaining knowledge and becoming a valued part of society would make them see him differently. Would stop them from looking at him like he was aneyesore, something to disdain and fear.

But it’d never mattered.

I should have walked away weeks ago.Before it was too late. Before she could sink her pretty, glossy claws into him.

Jabez smacked the back of his head against the column in outrage, only to groan at the way he hurt himself like a moron. He cupped the back of his head, feeling his own drying blood caking his long hair as his knees knocked inwards from the pain.

Idiot.He wasn’t used to calling himself one.

But his feelings were, truly, making him stupid. And like a festering, infected wound, he should cut them away before they could kill him. That would be the wisest choice.

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