Page 39 of All Summer Long

‘Crème de menthe,’ he said, curling his lip at the smell as he handed Hazel the sherry schooner of emerald green liquid. ‘Sure you wouldn’t like something in it? Domestos, maybe?’

‘You boys just don’t know what’s good for you,’ Hazel said, arching her eyebrows and sipping it with a little mewl of pleasure.

‘Whisky for you, Stewpot, no rocks.’ Dessy slid the neat scotch over to Stewie.

‘And a fruit-based drink for the ladies,’ Jase said, appearing behind Dessy waving a bottle of icy white wine and a clutch of glasses.

‘Sorry, kiddo,’ Dessy said to Ewan as he slid him a Coke, then leaned over and whispered ‘there’s a double rum in it,’ out of earshot of Hazel and shot the teenager a cheeky wink.

Alice looked around the collective, gathered there by Niamh for an ‘invitation only, highly confidential’ meeting, if the sign taped to the door of the snug was to be taken at face value. Once they were all inside, Stewie had conducted a completely unnecessary headcount and then shoved a chair under the handle to ensure they wouldn’t be interrupted by afternoon drinkers from the bar.

Taking Alice’s lack of answer as a yes, Stewie shoved his chair back and stood up, clearing his throat to garner everyone’s attention, even Pluto’s, who looked up from his bowl of water by the table leg and regarded Stewie sombrely with his good eye.

‘Ladies … gentlemen … and pooches,’ he said, embroidering his words with as much drama as he could muster. He attempted to throw in a bow too, but only tipped a fraction forward before his luxurious dark curls, brought in homage to Kevin Keegan in the early eighties, started to slide forwards so he shot back up hastily.

‘We seven gathered here today, henceforth to be known as the Borne Seven Society, or the BS Society, have been bestowed with a great responsibility. But as a great man once said, with great responsibility comes great power.’

Dessy frowned and took off his Stetson. ‘Shouldn’t that be the other way around?’

Stewie ignored him and carried on. ‘We,’ he gesticulated in a circle around the table, ‘have been appointed as the protectors and guardians of the greatest secret ever to be bestowed upon this village.’

A silence settled on the group and they all looked at Stewie, who looked around at them each in turn and nodded gravely, rubbing his silk-shirt-encased gut in circular motions like it was his food baby.

‘As we all know, Brad McBride departed Borne Manor in a cloud of flashy suits and light bulbs.’ He patted Alice’s shoulder. ‘Nasty business, my darling, nasty business.’

Alice could only agree.

‘And he left behind this poor, defenceless creature to fend for herself,’ Stewie said, and Alice looked up at him in alarm and went to stand up.

‘Err, I’m not exactly defenceless …’she started, then stopped speaking again when Stewie applied enough pressure to plop her back down into her seat and spoke over her.

‘And so it came to be that she has fallen on hard times, and has had to move out of the big house into the servants’ quarters, and the house has a new master to serve.’

Niamh started to laugh and muttered ‘Cinderella’, and Alice reached for her wine in resignation. Everyone in the room knew the general truth of what had happened with Brad anyway, thanks to the press coverage at the time, and trying to stop Stewie in full flow was about as pointless as throwing yourself in front of a moving train and expecting to survive.

‘Stewie, are you sure this wasn’t the plot of one of your movies?’ Jase piped up.

Stewie narrowed his eyes as he thought about it for a second. ‘Now that you come to mention it, Jason, I did take the part of a rather dashing young lord of the manor in 1973. Similar building, actually. Lined all the servants up and rogered them senseless over the kitchen table,’ he said, nodding at the memory with a faraway smile.

Ewan batted his mother off when she tried to cover his ears and Dessy rocked back on the legs of his chair and grinned. ‘Hope you’re doing your maidly duties, Alice, my darling.’ He raised his glass in her direction. Niamh stroked Pluto’s silky nose and caught Alice’s eye but said nothing. For her part, Alice wondered why she’d ever thought this meeting would be a good idea.

‘Some hush so I can continue, if you please, children,’ Stewie said, brimming with bonhomie and whisky, flapping his hands until he had everyone’s attention again.

‘The fact is that we’ve got ourselves what you might call a delicate situation here, team BS. Robby Duff has chosen Borne as his home for the next few months and he wants to live here in privacy and seclusion. The moment it gets out that there’s a superstar in the manor, he’ll leave, and I for one want him to stay as long as possible.’

‘Didn’t he used to be in Take That?’ Jase said, knowing full well that he didn’t and winking at Niamh, who had dug a pen from her bag and was doodling Alice a caricature of Stewie on a beermat.

‘Actually, I don’t think anyone calls him Robby,’ Alice said, to keep the facts straight. ‘Or Robster, or Robin, or Bob, either. It’s Robinson.’

Dessy raised his hand. ‘Can I say that I think it’s extremely unfair that Jase and I are the only members of the Bullshit Society that haven’t actually met him.’

‘Noted in the minutes,’ Niamh said, writing ‘never gonna happen’ on the edge of the beermat before showing Dessy with an impish grin.

‘The man is a bone-fide, walking talking rock star,’ Stewie said, full of self-importance. ‘If we can keep it under our hats that he’s here,’ he looked pointedly at Dessy and Jase’s matching glittery Stetsons, ‘who knows who else might come to visit him over the summer? Think of the private parties at the manor. I’m willing to bet he knows Hugh Hefner.’ Stewie stroked his curls absently. ‘Had a wild night in the Playboy Mansion with Heff in 1978. Those bunny girls, I can see them now, all big bare bosoms and waggy little tails.’ He sighed, drawing a curvy female outline in the air with his hands and wiggling his backside.

‘In all seriousness, it’s really important that no one finds out that Robinson is here,’ Alice said, shooting Stewie a look that went completely over his curly head as he was still lost somewhere in a Hollywood Jacuzzi in the seventies. ‘He’s come here because he needs some peace, and I for one understand that. And you know what else? He’s a pretty cool, normal sort of guy when you talk to him, just someone who’s had his problems and could use our help.’

Alice wasn’t speaking out of turn; Robinson’s relationship issues had been splashed all over the internet even more than her own had.

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