Page 20 of 12 Gays of Christmas

“I thought you were going to help me.”

I take my glasses off and set them on the coffee table before rubbing my eyes. “I am helping you.”

“You’re ignoring me.”

“I’m talking to you right now.”

“Look, he’ll be back any minute.” He’s talking in a fierce whisper, and my body shudders at the husky sound. I need to get a date or a hookup or some fucking perspective.

“I don’t really see the problem.”

“He’s vegan. I ordered meat.”

“Gil,” I say, putting as much command as possible in my voice. “I’m sure Kein is used to that. He doesn’t expect everyone he meets to be vegan.”

He sighs. “I know. He told me.”

For fuck’s sake. “Then what’s the problem?” I’m yelling now, an—wait for it—a thumping noise comes through the floor. I seriously am going to break that broom in half and beat him with both pieces. If he wants to know what loud sounds like, I can turn Taylor Swift up to ten. Remi is not a fan of Taylor Swift or any happy music.

I tune out my annoying nemesis and tune back into my annoying roommate. Gil is tapping his fork against something. Probably the table. I smile. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m closer in personality to Remi, my nemesis, than I am to the cinnamon roll I live with.

“I’m not just everyone,” Gil says with a pout. “I’m his date. Like, what if he doesn’t like that about me?”

“Then it won’t work out. It’s not like you’re attached to this guy already, right, Gil?” There’s no response. “Right, Gil? Tell me you aren’t already attached to this guy?” A pain right behind my breastbone competes with the pain in my head. I rub the spot in annoyance. Stupid hangover.

“I’m not attached,” he finally says, sounding defeated. “I’m just tired of always feeling like a loser.”

Gil is one of the most popular guys on campus. Everyone loves him and wants to date him. But not the real Gil. Because he won’t show that part of himself. How can this man make me so angry one moment and the next…I don’t even have words to describe my emotions. I want to pull him into my arms and hold him. I’m not a hugger, but for Gil, I could be.

“Listen, Gil. You’re not a lo—failure. Just be yourself. If it isn’t meant to be, you don’t want to pretend it is. Then you’d be putting all this energy into something that’s not going to work out. It’s not fair to you, and it’s definitely not fair to him. Just be yourself.”

“Okay.” He pauses. And I wait for it. “What if myself sucks?”

“I’m not doing this, Gil. I’m not telling you how wonderful you are while you’re on a date with a s—swimmer.” Telling him Kein is a self-centered, arrogant asshole won’t serve anyone. “If he doesn’t like who the real Gil is, then he’s not worth your time.”

* * *

GIL

Kein reaches for my hand,and I let him. My heart beats a little faster, but I don’t have a panic attack on the spot. It’s…nice.Is that what you want? Nice? When Colin touches your hand, you almost come in your pants.“Shut up, dick,” I mutter.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m good.” I nod and shake my head, making this weird circular motion, and… What the heck is wrong with me?

Kein is nice. I shake my head at that description. He’s also pretty with dark hair and a perfectly symmetrical face. Unlike the gym guy, he asks me about myself. “What’s your favorite movie?”

This is my chance. I can show him who I am.The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I repeat the words in my head, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out. Why is this so hard? I wipe my hands on my jeans. Sweating isn’t sexy. He tilts his head at me, and his eyes sparkle. But not like he’s laughing at me. Like he thinks I’m cute. I can do this.

“Die Hard.” It is one of my favorite movies, but disappointment settles in my stomach. So close. If I can’t admit to liking a nerdy movie, how am I ever going to admit I’ve never been with a guy. Or anyone?

“Dude. I love that movie. Bruce Willis has his shirt off through half the movie. What’s not to like?”

I smile. “Right?” And then pretend Gil comes out, and honestly, it’s easier to let him take over. Be the life of the party. Say what everyone expects him to say.

And it works. Kein leans closer. Smiles a lot. I can tell he’s into this date and me. But not the real me. Afterward he drives me home, and we say our goodbyes. The moment sneaks up on me. He leans in, and I know he’s going to kiss me. All I need to do is let it happen. Kein would take the lead. And I can follow like the best of them. Easy-peasy. No problem. His lips are right there, and I close my eyes. My heart tries to make a run for it and my dinner threatens to do the same. His breath flutters across my lips, and a burst of panic has me turning my head. His kiss lands on my cheek, and I can tell it would have been a good kiss. He smiles, but I can see the hurt in his eyes. I hate that I put it there, but the relief is automatic.

Kein leaves soon after.

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