Page 47 of 12 Gays of Christmas

“Yup.” He puts his coffee on the table and grabs the chalk. He marks outKicker, which just leaves the beginning part:Football Team.

“The entire team? Ambitious.”

He turns around and grins, and for a second, I get lost. “Haven’t you ever had that dream? You’re in the middle of a circle jerk with the entire football team? No? Just me?”

My mouth drops open. He’s teasing me, I know that. But confident Gil is sexy as hell. And I can’t keep the heat from flooding my face because I have had that dream. Thatfantasy. Gil is always the last one. The one that pushes me over the edge. It’s the only way I let myself fantasize about him because then I can pretend it’s the football players I want and not just him. My deflation from a moment ago is history. Done. Over. I was already in a fight with my body not to react, but picturing Gil in the middle of that circle and taking it all… In this scenario, I’m part of the team. But that reminds me, I’m not part of the team. I’ll never be what Gil wants.

I try to shake off my mood change. “Have you been watching porn without me?” I ask, trying to hide all these stupid feelings with a stupid joke. I’ve had my crush under control for the last two years, but now, after kissing him, touching him, it’s hopeless.

He turns away. Is he embarrassed? Then I realize what I said and how it sounded. Like I want him to only watch porn with me. And while that is one hundred percent the truth—

“You’re still going, right? To the party tonight? I have some stuff to take care of today…” He pauses. I glance up and realize that’s what he has been waiting for. He nods toward my packed bags in the corner. “Please don’t be gone when I get back.”

“I’ll be here.”

His smile makes all the future pain worth it, at least for now.

After cleaning the entire apartment, I can no longer put off the video call to my sister. “Hey, squirt.”

Nat gives me the stink eye. “You should be on the road right now.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Gil has a party tonight, and he asked me to go with him.”

“Really?” The disbelief in her voice stings a little.

“You’re surprised Gil asked me to go?” I try not to sound defensive, but I’m probably failing. Nat doesn’t miss much.

She barks out a laugh. “No. I’m surprised you agreed to it.”

“Anyway,” I say, waving my hand to indicate we’re moving on, “Gil is coming home with me. We should be there on Christmas Eve. The football team has to return early to prepare for the playoffs, so we can’t stay the entire time.” But she’s no longer listening. Nat dances around with the phone in her hand, and it’s making me dizzy. “I’m hanging up.”

“No!” She settles back on her fluffy purple saucer chair. “I’m just so happy.”

“I get it. You like my roommate more than me. Can we move on?”

Her smile slides off her face. “I celebrated too soon. You’re still fucking this up.”

“Hey, watch your mouth.”

Nat rolls her eyes. She’s a pro at that—able to express all manner of emotion with one roll of her eyes. “I’m sixteen.”

“Still too young.”

Nat loves purple, and her room is an explosion of color. Gil would know the exact shade, and I remember last summer when he went over color samples with her. Gil stayed with us for a while before spending a week with his mom and then returning here.

I realize she’s gone quiet, and I glance back at the phone. She’s watching me and chewing on her lips.

“What?”

She shrugs and looks away. “There’s this guy in my chemistry class I sorta like. He’s cute. Smart. And funny.” Again, a shrug.

It has been a while since Nat’s asked me for advice since, as a teen, she knows everything. “What’s the problem?”

She sighs, and her eyes meet mine through the phone. “I’m not sure he likes me. I mean, why would he?”

What the fuck?“Because you’re awesome. How does he act around you?”

“We’re friends. He tells me stuff. He does nice things for me,” she says, smiling at the memory, “just to make me happy. And…” She chews her lip again and stares at something off-screen. Something about her confession seems off, but I can’t figure it out. Teenagers are just weird.

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