Page 17 of The Lucky Escape

‘Yes?’

‘Obviously we know you loved him.’

I balked. ‘I mean, yes. That’s why we were getting married …’

‘I think all Bri is trying to say,’ Jo offered, softly, ‘is that … he was lucky to have you.’

Bri smiled, but it was a forced one. ‘And look, whatever makes you happy – that’s all we want for you …’

Jo cleared her throat. ‘He was just a bit of an idiot sometimes, wasn’t he?’

My jaw went slack. ‘I beg your pardon?’

She slurped from her bottle, buying time so as not to answer me right away. ‘It’s only that we think you’re amazing.’

‘And sometimes it was like he didn’t realize that,’ finished Bri.

What they were saying was a knife to the heart. A betrayal. How long had they wanted to say all this? Were they telling me I’d been an idiot to think he’d ever make it to the church at all?

‘You didn’t like him.’

‘No!’ said Jo. ‘It’s not that we didn’t like him.’

Bri shrugged. ‘I didn’t,’ she said, plainly. ‘I don’t.’

The others gasped.

‘We said we’d try the gentle approach?’ Jo whispered, lighting a fire in my belly.

‘Is this some sort of mediation?’ I asked. ‘Are you kidding me? I’ve just been shat on from the greatest possible height and you’re all gathered here today to tell me … what? That you’re pleased about it?’

‘Hey,’ Bri said, her tone sharp. ‘We’re your girls. We suffer when you suffer, okay? So you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to act as if we’re the ones who hurt you. We didn’t. Your boy Alexander did, and we’re beyond mad about it.’

‘Furious,’ said Jo.

‘I’d cut his dick off,’ muttered Kezza. ‘The little prick.’

Jo changed tack. ‘But maybe this is a chance to see that you’re worth so much more than he gave you. If you’re at the place where you can hear us.’

I glanced up at her from under my eyelashes. ‘Go on,’ I said, sulkily. My heart beat in double time and my cheeks flushed. I knew what she was going to say before she said it, but I knew I had to hear it, too.

‘There was definitely a star of the show in your relationship,’ she said. ‘And it wasn’t you. I can’t speak for everyone else, but that made me sad for you! It was so obvious that he was your world, but it wasn’t as obvious that you were his …’

‘He’s very dreamy, but he’s not the sun – you are,’ Bri added, citing one of our favourite quotes fromGrey’s Anatomy.

I swallowed hard.

‘Goddamn it,’ I said. My eyes welled up. ‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what happens after this. I thought this was my life sorted out. I can’t go back to having nothing. I’m too old to start all over again …’

I dropped my head into my hands and let it wash overme. Did I have to be strong? How long could I let myself feel weak? Was there a formula for moving forward? A secret ‘Jilted Brides’ handbook I could buy with next-day delivery?

The three of them let me take a moment to find the courage to admit I knew they were right. Alexander always came first in our relationship. That was true. But I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to get the promotion, and go out with the boys to let off steam when work was hard, and to relax at home because home should be a place where a person can do that. I never nagged him, because I didn’t want to play that role. It was worse to ask him to repeatedly do something – unload the dishwasher, or put together the new drawers for the spare room, or take the laundry out of the machine – than it was to just do it myself. Anything to avoid an argument.

He told me he loved me and said I was the best thing to ever happen to him, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore: for a decade I’d pushed away the thought that I’d prefer him to show it rather than say it. I never told him that, though, because it sounded too much like an emotional burden. I didn’t want to be an emotional burden to my partner. I wanted to be his respite, not his problem. I thought that was what everyone did for their person. I thought that was how you showed love to someone.

‘It must feel horrible right now,’ Bri said, kindly. ‘I said to Angus: if the secret to happiness is having someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for, he’s just robbed you of two of those things.’

‘No,’ said Kezza. ‘We love you and you love us. The only thing he’s taken is the hope. But that will come back. You can hope for other things, eventually.’

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