Page 92 of The Lucky Escape

‘You’re not mad?’ I asked.

‘I’m not mad that your best friend had her baby, no.’

‘I really wanted to see you.’

‘I really wanted to see you too.’

I couldn’t believe how wonderful he was. If I’d have stood Alexander up he’d have yelled, or made me feel small, or not understood why, on that occasion, Jo was more important than he was. But Patrick got it.

‘I’m not going to Antwerp,’ I blurted out. I couldn’t wait to tell him. ‘I thought you’d like to know that.’

I could hear his smile. ‘Annie, you don’t need to stay for me, you know.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’m not.’

‘Charming.’

‘I just don’t want to put that on your shoulders. I’m staying for me. For Freddie. You’re a bonus.’

He didn’t say anything.

‘I found a flat,’ I continued. ‘Adzo found it for me. Third floor, small but I can afford it. Just down the road from you, actually. Dad is going to help me move at the weekend.’

‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Can we just … did you say you’renotstaying for me?’

‘I didn’t mean—’

‘Whatdidyou mean? Because it feels like you’re always trying to make it clear that I’m not anywhere near the top of your list, but you still say you want this. You can imagine how confusing that is, surely? It doesn’t feel very nice.’

God, he was so clear with his emotions. It was disarming.I was still getting used to acknowledging my feelings, let alone saying them out loud.

‘Look, let’s just wait until we can have that pizza,’ I begged. ‘Tomorrow?’

‘Next week,’ he replied, and I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where I’d screwed up the conversation, but I had. ‘Once you’ve finished packing, and you’ve moved. It’s fine. Maybe we did rush all this, Annie. I don’t know. I can’t do this if you’re not all in. Doubts are normal, but …’

Heat rushed to my face. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I’m staying. This can work. I did have doubts, but not anymore.’

He took a beat to reply. ‘I hope we can work,’ he said. ‘But if we were only ever supposed to work in Australia, at least I helped you move on, you helped me move on …’

I couldn’t believe what he was saying. How had we got here?

‘Do you mean that?’ I asked, praying he didn’t. I hoped I’d misunderstood. I wanted to claw what we had back. I didn’t mean to make him feel like I didn’t prioritize him.

‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Your mother was right – it has all been so fast. I’m scared too, you know. But at least I’m gracious about it.’ He tutted, stopping himself from saying anything that could hurt me any further. ‘Go and see the baby. Move house. If we’re going to do this I need you to be sure, and until you’re sure … well. It’s not my shit to shovel, is it?’

‘I’m trying,’ I said. ‘I promise.’

He sighed. ‘I know,’ he said, eventually. ‘It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. Not yet.’

‘Okay,’ I said.

‘Okay,’ he replied.

I hung up feeling exposed and sad, but I didn’t want totake that into Jo’s private hospital room with me. As I held tiny Estelle Grace – named after Jo’s grandmother – in my arms, I told Jo she was perfect.

And then I cried, wondering how it was fair that life could be so beautiful and feel so hard, exactly like my grandmother had warned, all at the same time.

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