Page 31 of One Night With You

‘Anyway. There definitely used to be a man in my past whoonly ever called after the sun had gone down, yes,’ I admit. ‘But it probably wouldn’t be ladylike to give you the details.’

‘Hmmm, I see,’ he broods. And then: ‘For what it’s worth, though. I’ll be dead soon. So if you did want a confidant, I wouldn’t be a bad pick.’

‘JP!’ I exclaim. ‘I’ve already told you not to talk like that!’

‘Oh, stop it,’ he bats back. ‘You sound like my grandson. Like it isn’t inevitable.’

I sit with his truth.

‘Well, shit,’ I say, finally, and my swearing makes him hoot out a laugh. ‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I don’t mean to swear.’

‘No, no,’ he agrees. ‘Oh shitis the ticket. And for what it’s worth: any man messing you about isn’t a man at all. I hope you know that.’

‘I try to remember that, yes.’

‘Good.’ He drains his glass. ‘And now?’ he says. ‘Anyone on the go now? A pretty girl like you, I’m sure you must be fighting them off with a stick.’

I pull a face at him. ‘You flatter me,’ I suggest, and he grins.

‘I always knew how to flatter a lady,’ he sparkles, and I believe him.

I drain my glass as well, considering how much to reveal to him.

‘I’ve decided something,’ I settle on.

‘How exciting,’ JP retorts.

I roll my eyes. ‘I’m going to tell you every gory detail, and if it gets too much you can just say … toffee sauce, okay?’

‘Toffee sauce?’

‘Toffee sauce is lovely, but if you have too much you start to feel a bit sick,’ I clarify.

He winks. ‘Gotcha.’

And so I regale him withmyhistory: The Abe Thing, howwe were on and off again for years, my Year of Me – celibate, no dating, no casual sex, nonothing. I tell him about Nic, about spending one night with him that was actually pretty amazing. And then, when JP presses me about what’s really keeping me from staying in touch with Nic or developing a friendship, I tell him something that nobody else knows – not Jackson, not Candice. Nobody.

‘I miscarried,’ I say, plainly. Relief floods my system to finally be talking about it with somebody. ‘With Abe. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and then I wasn’t, suddenly, anymore … it just made me think …’ I turn my empty glass over in my hands so I can look down instead of at JP.

‘I see.’ He nods, solemnly, when I’ve finished. ‘I’m so sorry. My granddaughter miscarried too. I know how deeply it hurts.’

‘It’s okay,’ I say, softly. ‘I totally don’t have my shit together enough for a baby. Abe certainly didn’t. But when something like that happens, it changes you. It changed me, anyway. Made me realise that I need to go after what I want, even if I’m not sure what that thing is exactly. That’s why I left London, joined this course. And it’s why I have been clear with Nic that I’m not interested in anything more – I won’t let anything jeopardise this chance I have to find out who I really am and what I really want. I’m so embarrassed by this but …’ I trail off.

‘Go on,’ JP encourages.

‘The night with Nic? We slept together three times, but only used protection twice.’

‘Hmm?’ says JP.

‘I just think … well, isn’t that messed up? I had a miscarriage and then in a one-night stand I take a stupid risk? I’m on the pill, but I know three different women who gotpregnant despite being on it. So I’ve always used condoms too. Then Abe said he didn’t like them, that they didn’t feel as good as without – and so we didn’t, and bam. I got two blue lines. After everything that happened, you’d think I’d never risk it again and I did. It’s so pathetic. Like I say I’m too young for kids, that I probably don’t even want them at all, and then I test the boundaries just one last time? Am I really so void of character that I’d let life make the choices for me instead of making my own? It scared me. I scared myself. So I gave myself a talking-to. I feel like my life could be panning out a whole different way in some alternative universe where Ididn’t …’

I can’t actually say it out loud again. I take a breath. God, I didn’t think it would all still make me this emotional. ‘All this to say,’ I conclude, ‘this feels very much like where I am supposed to be. Getting my answers. Being in charge. Not being a risky little bugger, but being strategic and purposeful about my life. I can’t just be carried by the current.’

‘Oh, kid,’ JP says. ‘You’re not the first person to get too caught up to use protection. You won’t be the last.’

I issue a weak smile. He’s right, but, well … That’s just notme.Or rather, that’s not the me I want to be. A baby would ruin everything. My stepmum, Dee, never wanted kids and I grew up being aware of the vague inconvenience we were, that she didn’t really want us around every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. I could never do that to a child. I can’t believe my dad stayed with her, when he saw how she treated us. Not mean, or horrible, just … distant. Detached. Like, but not love. Children deserve to be drowning in love. Sometimes I wondered if Dee would have ever even throw us a life raft.

‘Interesting that documentaries are your thing,’ JP notes.

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