Page 58 of One Night With You

‘If you’d answered any of my texts, I was going to tell you about that,’ he says.

‘Classy,’ I snap. ‘Making it my fault I didn’t know. Really classy.’

‘Don’t be mad, darling,’ he says. ‘Please. I’ve left Carly. It’s over. I told her I want to be with you.’

‘I don’t want to be with you, Abe. Sometimes I can’t believe we were ever even together. Do you know that?’

‘We made a baby!’ he cries down the line. ‘How can you walk away from somebody you made a baby with?’

‘A baby we lost,’ I shout, and a girl fiddling on her phone looks up as she passes, forcing my voice into a low hiss. ‘And where were you when I found the blood in my pants in the toilets at work? Where were you when I texted and said I needed you? Where were you when I had to visit the doctor, and then go home to justlet it happen, with nobody in the world to hold my hand? Where were you then, Abe?’

‘I’m here now,’ he says. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘No,’ I spit. This is everything I ever thought I might want to say to him, before I decided he wasn’t worth the oxygen. Well, since he’s tricked me into talking to him he can have my speech. I don’t care. ‘You don’t get to be sorry. You don’t get to be absolved from guilt. Ido notforgive you. Listen to me very, very carefully,’ I seethe. ‘Because we are never going to speak again after this. Okay? Do not text. Do not email. Do not slide into my DMs, and certainly do not call me. Forget you know me. I’ve already forgotten that I know you.’

And with that I hang up.

It’s only then that I realise that I’m crying. Tears arestreaming down my face silently and a bloke passing by reaches out a hand to my arm and says, ‘Hey, are you okay love?’

‘Yeah,’ I say, wiping my face. ‘Yeah, I really am. Thanks though,’ I tell him. He frowns but says okay and carries on walking. I pull my scarf closer around my neck, shake my head clear, and keep on with the walk home, my eyes fixed on the pavement.

Being abandoned by Abe as I miscarried was the loneliest and the lowest I have ever felt. But thank God, I think, that I did not have his baby. That I have not been tied to him indefinitely, that our lives have not been inextricably linked forever. I knew for a week before it happened that I was pregnant, and I hadn’t even told him. I didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to feel. And then I went for a wee and the blood was already there and it was all over before I’d decided what to do andI felt relieved.I knew, as I lay in bed for a whole weekend when Jackson was away and Candice was working two twelve-hour shifts, that not only was I thankful not to have Abe’s baby, I was thankful not to have a baby at all. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to feel bad about not having kids. I want my freedom and intend to use it now I’ve come so close to losing it.

And then it hits me.

With Abe, I didn’t know how to stand on my own two feet. But with Nic, it’s different.

You can trust him,I think to myself as I arrive at my front door.You can trust Nic. He’s not Abe.

I consider it. I promised I wasn’t going to mess him around. But … I’m okay, now. I’m the strongest and happiest I’ve ever been. I need to seriously consider the possibility that Nic in my life might actually be a positive, instead of worryinghow it could become negative. He could be an asset. Letting somebody in could actually begood.

I will not be held hostage to who I used to be.

I am moving on.

I think I needed one last have-it-out with Abe to understand how different what’s in front of me is. I don’tneeda man, but when a great one wants to take you out, it’s stupid to turn him down because the last one was awful. I want to change my narrative; it doesn’t have to be about how hard love is – or can be. Everything else about The Year of Me still stands, just with added romance.

I’ve thought about it,I text Nic when I get inside.Let’s go out.

He texts back a gif of a little kid jumping up and down in excitement.

Or should I say,he texts,excellent. Not to be too enthusiastic but how’s this Friday?

This Friday is perfect,I reply,because I leave for Paris on Saturday. We’ve had a JP breakthrough!and I’m not crying anymore. It’s safe to be happy.

I let that sink in.

It’s safe to be happy.

26

Nic

‘Just don’t fuck it up, that’s all I’m saying,’ Ollie insists with his typical diplomacy, the news of tomorrow’s date with Ruby out there for all to comment on. He’s barely out of breath as we hurtle from one end of the dodgeball pitch to the other, warming up. Since the party, where he met everyone, he’s come three times to play. He seems to love it. I never anticipated it would be his thing – but then therearea lot of girls here. I perhaps overlooked that part.

‘Have you ever considered a career in motivational speaking?’ Jackson asks, as we touch the end line and switch directions again. I can’t be sure, but I think he’s mildly competing with Ollie, trying to stay a tiny bit in front, just to let him know who the boss is.

‘All I mean is,’ Ollie contends, ducking to touch the line right before Jackson does, leaping ahead. Over his shoulder his continues: ‘You’ve played the long game, and so whenyou finally get what you’ve wanted it can make you nervous. And nervous people drop the ball.’

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