Page 74 of One Night With You

‘Hey, you,’ I reply, nuzzling into his neck. I stay there, suspended in time, enjoying the solidness of him, the fact that he said he’d show up and did. And then it feels safe to have a little cry, in a way that felt wrong and inappropriate in Paris, in front of JP.

‘Was it shit?’ he said. ‘It’s so sad.’

‘It’s awful,’ I say. ‘He missed her by a day. More than seventy years of waiting and we were a day late. It’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all.’

He strokes my hair.

‘Ruby,’ he says, then, and his tone has changed. ‘Do you think we could go and sit down somewhere? I know you’re upset, but there’s something I need to tell you. And it can’t wait.’

I pull away. ‘Are you breaking up with me?’ I say. ‘Not that we’re official yet, I know, but – just say …’

‘Let’s sit down,’ he insists.

‘Just say it,’ I counter. ‘Say it.’

‘It’s Millie,’ he tells me, right there in the train station with a hundred people moving in a million different directions around us. ‘My ex. She’s pregnant. By me. But … can wetalk about it? Because I really hope that doesn’t change anything.’

‘Change anything?’ I say. ‘Nic.’ I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Thoughts of tears and cramps and blood and loneliness engulf me.I don’t want kids.‘That changes everything.’

32

Nic

Ruby blinks rapidly. It reminds me of when the little wheel comes up on my computer when I’ve asked it to do too much and it needs time to think. I wonder if that’s how I looked when Millie dropped the bombshell. If it is, I need to be as gentle and slow with Ruby as Millie was with me.

‘Let’s sit there,’ I say, pointing to an empty bench by the station’s communal piano. I take her by the wrist. She’s still blinking. I try to read her mind, find clues for how this is landing. I need to hold on to hope that this can all work out.

‘I didn’t want to go a second longer without just coming out with it,’ I explain. ‘I didn’t know. It happened in the summer. We’d broken up, but …’ I don’t want to give too many details. She doesn’t need to know the date and time and what position. ‘It happened before I left,’ I settle on, deliberately vague. The details probably don’t matter that much to be fair. The fact is: a baby is imminent and it’s got my DNA.

Ruby narrows her eyes, crinkles her brow. She’s beautiful. I want to hug her and take her home. I don’t want to be saying any of this. Or, at least, I want to skip the part where it’s a shock and get to the bit where it’s awkward, but we figure it out. She’s worked so hard to be happy. I know that. I hope this can add to the happiness, somehow.

‘I know it’s not ideal,’ I say. ‘But I don’t want this to change anything. Millie is seeing somebody already and doesn’t want anything from me. I haven’t sorted out any details or anything, but even if I lived next door I’d still just be co-parenting. I’d be able to have a life, you know?’

‘You’re moving next door to her?’ Ruby asks, coming to.

I shake my head. ‘No, I didn’t mean …’ I trail off. ‘There is no plan yet. I just meant that even if I did, I’d hope we could still do … this. Us.’

‘Hmm,’ Ruby muses. Her face is impassive. I can’t read it. If Ruby thinks I show every emotion that channels through me, she’s the total opposite. I haven’t got a clue what she’s feeling. I’ve never seen her look this vacant, though. It’s not ideal that I’m telling her all this right on the back of what happened in Paris.

‘I know you’ll probably need time to process all this,’ I say. ‘I found out two days ago and still feel like … whoa, what?’

I’m trying to get some sort of reaction. A smile would be nice. A comfort.

‘I mean,’ she says, closing her eyes briefly. ‘I’m, you know, I’m having a big reaction to what you’re saying here. Erm …’

I don’t speak. I wait for her to put how she’s feeling into words.

‘I don’t want kids, Nic,’ she says plainly.

‘No …?’ I say. ‘Well, that’s okay. You don’t have to like, be a stepmum or anything. I wouldn’t ask that of you.’

‘But youshould,’ she replies. ‘That’s exactly what a dad should ask of his partner. You should want me to be involved, and to love your kids like you love your kids.’

‘Okay,’ I agree. ‘It’s just, we’re not even together-together yet, so I don’t want to sign you up to something when I don’t even know what the deal is. But yeah, I suppose you’re right. This baby, she’ll need a good team. If you think …’

‘She?’

‘Yeah. Millie says it’s a girl.’

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