Page 79 of One Night With You

‘What if almostdoescount?’ he says, eventually.

‘Uh-huh,’ I reply, eyes narrowed. ‘Go on.’ How can almost count? That’s the very definition of almost … that it doesn’t quiteget there.

‘You started afresh here after a bad break-up. Right?’

I get defensive. ‘I started afresh to start afresh,’ I begin, my tone harsh.

‘You didn’t run away from something, you ran towards an opportunity, yes, yes, yes, I know,’ Harry retorts. ‘But essentially, Abe was the catalyst. Correct?’

Begrudgingly, I agree. I’m not putting more details onto camera than I need to, so I leave it at that.

‘I thinkyouare the story, Ruby,’ he offers, then.

‘Me?’ I balk.

‘Yeah.’

I wait for him to explain, but when nothing is forthcoming add: ‘That’s why you’ve been filming behind the scenes so much, isn’t it? Have you been thinking this for a while?’

‘To be honest, yes.’ He nods. ‘I just didn’t realise how right I was.’

I wait for further explanation. A cosy, hand-holding couple traverse the corner nearest to us. She’s gazing up adoringly into his eyes, and they’re laughing but not really saying anything in a way that means either the joke is private and they don’t want us to hear, or they’re so in love that even the mere presence of the other is cause for ebullient, fizzing laughter. My eyes flick up to catch theirs as they mutter ‘Excuse me’ and ‘thank you so much’ and ‘lovely day for it, isn’t it?’.

‘So, what do you say?’ Harry prompts. ‘Do you get my point?’

‘Erm …’ I falter, suddenly painfully aware of the camera.I’m sure he’s just caught me literally gawping, double and triple chins galore. Me as the story? But how?

‘I think you’re making me out to be a lot grander than I really am,’ I begin. ‘I don’t think I’m the interesting one, here …’

‘It’s interesting to me – the pursuit of love after an almost. There’s bravery to it. JP is great, but JP’s effect onyouis even better. You could interview me as well, since JP’s effect has been that I’ve opened myself up to love too. But that’s a neater resolution. You and Nic have decided not to be together, even after it took you all that courage to give it a whirl. I still don’t understand what happened – I know there’s something you’re not telling me, and that’s fine. But the idea of JP so closely missing out, me getting a relationship, and you trying but …’

‘Failing,’ I supply.

‘Not in a horrible way. I’d much rather you be happy. I’m sorry you aren’t yet.’

I scoff, cheeks pinkening. ‘You feel sorry for me?’ I ask.

‘The opposite,’ Harry insists, his voice gentle. ‘That you admitted how you feel for Nic is remarkable after the heartache you had …’

‘Yeah, and look at how that turned out,’ I say.

‘Do you feel braver in love though? Even though it didn’t work out? Did JP make you realise it was worth the risk, even though …?’ Harry trails off, but it’s such a good prompt. I’m tempted to give him a pithy one-liner, but when I open my mouth, I find I can’t. Jesus. It’s so bloody terrifying. It’s so out ofmycontrol. I think of everything I thought I’d pushed myself towards – letting it be okay to bend the rules of the Year of Me, taking a chance with somebody new. And still knowing, now Millie is pregnant and Nic is about to bea dad, that joining him on that journey is absolutely not right for me … it’s not ended up how I thought, but oddly, magnificently, despite the heartache, standing in my own truth has made me feel more myself than ever before. Do I feel brave in love?

‘I do,’ I say, nodding, letting the pride wash over me. ‘I took a chance, but it didn’t break me.’ I remember what JP said to me, that time I went over his house for port. ‘The heart is a muscle, and we have to use it.’ I start smiling, and embarrassingly tears well up in my eyes too. ‘It’s pretty badass that I did, even if it didn’t work out.’

‘Bingo,’ says Harry. ‘So almostdoescount, after all.’

‘Holy shit,’ I say. ‘Almost is the whole friggin’ point.’

Harry nods. ‘Exactly.’

34

Nic

I have dreams about her. The sofa is always there. Sometimes Millie is sat on it, holding a baby and smiling, but I never hold it. I just observe. I watch Millie cradle it, sing to it, stroke its tiny cheek with tenderness and love. Ruby stands behind her, watching her too, or sometimes reaches out a hand to me and pleads with big, wide eyes:Come with me, Nic. Come with me.In our dreamworld the baby cries and I don’t know what to do, how to help. Millie looks at me and says she doesn’t need me, she’s got it under control.Why don’t you go and take a bath?she says, but she doesn’t look at me when she says it. She can’t keep her eyes off the baby. My mother appears then, and Millie hands our blanket-wrapped child to her. Then she walks with her dressing gown unfastened towards Ruby. They kiss, and then Millie opens her mouth so wide that Ruby’s head disappears inside of her throat.

Millie’s bump is growing by the day.

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