Page 70 of Enemies to Lovers

He shakes his head. ‘It was only the three of us. I still have Mum’s dad – my grandad – and my dad’s stepmother is still alive, and there’s some aunties anduncles and cousins who we’d see a few times a year. But under our roof, in our house, it was simply us. And I didn’t need any more, I never longed for a brother or anything like that. I was just so, so loved.’

‘I wish I could have met them,’ I say. ‘They sound like they knew what life is all about.’

‘Yeah,’ Jamie nods. ‘I keep trying to find that feeling somewhere else, you know? That feeling of being safe. You asked what it’s like – sailing – and it’s amazing. I love the physicality of it, and obviously all the different places I get to see. It’s awesome to see your brother and Kate doing so well, but after Mum and Dad had their accident, I couldn’t see the point of giving my life to the law. I have the opposite problem that most people in their twenties have, I think. I don’t need to prove to my parents what a great job they’ve done, by being a good workhorse. I know what they’d want for me is to be free. To follow what feels good for as long as I enjoy it. But I want both: freedom and safety.’

I nod, contemplating that.

‘I’m envious,’ I tell him. ‘My world is the two square miles from my flat to campus. I don’t do much adventuring. I think I’mtoosafe.’

Jamie pours us both more coffee. ‘You’ll get there,’ he says. ‘I believe in you.’

‘Thanks,’ I reply. ‘I’m a very anxious person. I feel like you don’t have all the answers, but at least you know how to switch your brain off and be in your body. The only time I’ve done that lately is—’ I pause. I cannotbelieve I nearly said:the only time I did that lately is when I had sex with you.

‘What?’ he asks.

I shake my head. ‘When I’m running,’ I lie, and he accepts my conclusion.

‘A lot of people think the opposite of anxiety is calm,’ Jamie says. ‘But I don’t think it is. I think the opposite of anxiety is trust.’

‘Trust sounds a lot likesafetyto me …’ I comment.

He nods. ‘I think you’re right. Tomahto, tomayto.’

‘And so that’s what you meant the other morning, when we went for a run? That you thought I – out of everyone – would understand how you feel?’

‘Yes,’ Jamie says. ‘It’s weird. The safest I’ve felt lately has been—’ He stops himself. I swear to god, I get a flash that he might allude to feeling safe when he’s with me, but exactly like I did, he reins it in.

‘Yes?’ I say, throat dry.

‘When I’m running,’ he settles on, and I feel like there’s an elephant in the room with us, but neither of us is going to acknowledge it.

‘Here’s to running then,’ I say, holding my coffee cup aloft in cheers.

He holds his cup up, too.

‘To how good it feels to run,’ he says.

We sit in companionable silence then, drinking our coffees and looking at the sun shimmering off the pool, and I think:God!My preconceptions about Jamie really have been all wrong. I made myself think he was anarse, a womaniser and unserious about anything that matters, off on his boats and never settling down. And then the second I gave him a chance, he blew it – confirming that my instinct was right. But it wasn’t. That isn’t who he is. Jamie is thoughtful and loyal, and is just trying to get through a day as best he can, like the rest of us. He’s reassuringly human. I don’t know how I missed that.

Kate comes home then, and we become a three. I don’t mind the interruption actually. If Jamie and I were alone for much longer, I get the feeling we’d have started to say things that really would be best left unsaid. He’s got me all up in my feelings, now that I see the real him.

‘Okay,’ Kate whispers to me as we float on matching swans next to each other in the pool, shopping unloaded and more coffee consumed. Jamie is inside, washing the breakfast plates. ‘I’m going nuts over here, babe. You’re going to have to fill in at least a few details. I beg you.’

‘Kate,’ I say, my voice low. I don’t want Jamie to hear, but obviously I don’t want anyone else in my family to hear, either, should they arrive back earlier than planned. ‘I cannot emphasise this enough: it was a moment of madness. I don’t know what we were thinking, and I’m sorry you had to see it.’

I scoop up a bit of water with my hand and pour it over my tummy to cool me down. It ishottoday.

‘An eleven a.m. hump-sesh in the middle of a familyholiday home?’ Kate whispers back, her voice incredulous. I have to note that her whisper is more of a stage-whisper, so is not very discreet at all. It’s a good reminder not to tell her everything.

‘Like I said: madness.’

‘I don’t buy it.’ She lowers her sunglasses and peers over their rim. ‘Jamie has fancied you foryears, Flo.’

I look in the opposite direction to where she’s floating, because my face will give too much away. ‘Hmmm …’ I say, knowing anything else is too dangerous.

Kate keeps talking. Nothing will deter her. ‘Something happened at Christmas, didn’t it? More than you’ve told me?’

I keep examining the trees over at the far side of the garden, near the steps to the beach. I know I’m blushing, a hot rash of embarrassment creeping up my neck to my cheeks.

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