Page 75 of Enemies to Lovers

‘I like talking to you, too,’ I continue. ‘In fact I actually quoted you to my dad earlier, so I think you’re making quite the impression on my brain.’

‘Aww, that’s nice. I wonder what he’ll say when he finds out …’

‘Oh my god, don’t!’ I squeal. ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about.’

We have this weird moment then, champagne flutes suspended halfway to our mouths, staring at each other – the air between us doing that thing it did on the boat, getting all still and loaded and … complicated. I briefly wonder how many women he’s been with in his life, how many have felt this special.

‘What?’ I say, when I can’t take it any more.

And Jamie blinks and tells me, ‘I don’t think you understand how beautiful you are, do you?’

‘Put your drink down,’ I reply, because I’ve decided to do something. I’m not the most experienced woman on the planet – I haven’t ever actually given anyone a blow job before. And I feel like I want to, with Jamie. He’s not asking for it, and I don’t feel any pressure or anything like that. It’s just that suddenly I want to give him pleasure. And I want to be in charge of that pleasure.

Jamie lingers with his glass, as if he doesn’t understand what I’ve asked him, so I take it from him and find a wooden beam on which to put it. I kiss him, revelling in the fact that I can. I don’t have to worry about rejection or mixed signals because we have our agreement – it’s all out in the open that we both want to do this. I rub my lips from his mouth to his neck to hisfirm shoulders, my tongue on chiselled pecs, and I only pause once I have to kneel, my face looking up to the waistband of his trousers. I look up at him, and Jamie stares down with an earnestness I’ve never seen before. He reaches out a hand, rubs a thumb over my lips, and then I tug down his shorts to see that he is ready –very ready –for what comes next.

He lolls back his head and says my name, and the power of it, of being the one to make him lose control in this way, is heady.

I start slow but get faster, following the lead of his moans to figure out what to do next. He rests a hand lightly on the back of my head, and I suddenly realise I’m going to have to make a choice between spitting and swallowing, but then I hear, ‘I want to finish inside you.’

I decide I want that, too. I’m more turned on than I’ve been in my life.

I stand up, and we end up stumbling backwards as we embrace, so that somehow we tumble down to the blankets that he’d laid out earlier. I straddle him, grabbing a nearby condom and sliding it on as Jamie half lies and half sits, taking my nipple in his mouth in that way he is so good at. I push against him, and then his mouth is on my earlobe and my chin is over his shoulder, and I find myself saying his name over and over. We’re slick with sweat and our rhythm gets faster and faster. I can’t imagine it ever feeling this good with anybody else, not if I practised with somebody for a million years.

‘I want to do you from behind,’ Jamie instructs, and so I hop off, turn round and feel him enter me, pawing at my stomach, my boobs, panting once more as he doubles over to lay his front across my back. ‘God, you feel so good, Flo. So, so, good …’

It’s enough to make me climax, feeling him that way, feelingmyselfthat way: empowered, desired, desiring. Jamie follows not long afterwards. It seems we’re pretty good at the mutual-pleasure thing.

We stay still, once we’ve finished, collapsing so that Jamie holds me from behind and the moment sustains itself for as long as we can make it last.

‘That was …’ Jamie murmurs.

‘It was,’ I agree.

We lie side-by-side, stomach-to-stomach and chest-to-chest. He holds me gently. I take in his grey eyes and angelic eyelashes, the single bead of sweat still lingering at his temple. It hits me that I really,reallylike being looked at by Jamie in this way. And that’s not the plan. Realising this makes me feel claustrophobic with my own heart, my own feelings. If he keeps looking at me like this, any crush or fondness or hotness I feel for him won’t quell, it will swell. I thought, by getting to know Jamie better, I could get him out of my system, like the poem said. Exposure therapy. But I might be getting in over my head here.

I move away from him, wrapping myself in one of the blankets. The privacy of the barn brings a wholenew level of intimacy. I reach over to the cool box and am grateful to see some water in there. I grab a bottle and drink half of it in one gulp.

‘Four more nights of the holiday left anyway,’ I say. ‘So what do you reckon? Eight to ten more spectacular shags?’

I mean it to sound light, to steer us into jovial, cheeky territory. But Jamie doesn’t laugh. He just says, ‘Well, four nights and then … everything after.’

‘Everything after?’ I say.

‘Yeah,’ he replies. ‘Obviously, once Laurie knows …’

‘You’re telling Laurie?’ I say, surprised.

‘I kind of have to?’ Jamie says. ‘Like we agreed.’

I’m confused. ‘So wearegoing to tell Laurie we’re – you know – fooling around?’

Jamie narrows his eyes. ‘Fooling around,’ he repeats.

‘Wait,’ I say. ‘I don’t get what’s going on here. This is a fling, right? A holiday fling?’

Jamie opens his mouth and then closes it again, choosing not to speak. He moves to cover himself up, reaching for his boxers and pulling them on. He’s beautiful, in the candlelight. A feeling swells in my chest, and it reminds me of what I felt at Christmas, when I thought something was happening and it wasn’t. Except it actually was. And I don’t know what made him change his mind, or why he has changed his mind again on this trip, but I start to pull at the thread of a thought I’ve been pushing away ever since we talked about trust. It’s actually a thought that’s been growing allyear. Anger. I am angry at Jamie, for never saying sorry for what he did. And if I thought I could level the playing field by having some quick hook-up and walking away, I was wrong, because … because … Well, I don’t know why. Only that I can’t.

‘Why did you leave me hanging at Christmas?’ I say suddenly. I’ve done it. I’ve said the C-word, the thing we’ve danced around this whole trip.

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