Page 88 of Enemies to Lovers

I wait for him to smile, or laugh, or say something to cut the tension, but he doesn’t. He pulls his own knees to his chest and looks up to the sky. Sadly he says, ‘I’ve fucked it.’

‘No, you haven’t,’ I say. ‘Jamie …’

‘I have,’ he insists. ‘Everything I was worried about has come to pass, all because I followed my bloodypecker.’

‘Nobody sayspecker,’ I tell him.

‘I’m trying to be polite,’ Jamie counters.

I bash my shoulder gently into his. ‘There’s no airs and graces with me,’ I say.

‘I know,’ Jamie nods. ‘That’s why I …’

I hold my breath. Is he going to say it? But no, he doesn’t. He doesn’t finish his sentence, just leaves it to hang between us. But it’s unfair of me to expect him to properly get into his feelings when I haven’t. I needto lay out my feelings for him, first. And tell him what happened.

‘I didn’t write that note to you at Christmas. Laurie did. And he sent me the same thing. So I’ve spent this whole time thinkingyouchanged your mind at Christmas, but I assume you thought the same about me?’

‘I did,’ he nods. ‘I can’t believe Laurie would do that. That’s … awful, for both of us. To make me think you were playing with me, blowing hot and cold.’

‘Laurie’s mission was well and truly accomplished.’

‘But why would Laurie do that?’ Jamie asks. ‘I’m hisfriend.’

‘You can talk to Laurie about that,’ I say. ‘But for now, Jamie, canIsay some things?’

‘You can,’ he replies. ‘I’m listening.’

‘Can I tell you some things from under the shade of that tree?’ I press on. ‘Because I don’t have lotion on and I am burning up right now.’

And that’s it – that’s the thing that makes him laugh. He chuckles and gets up, holding out a hand to pull me up, too. Even when I’m upright, he doesn’t let go, and it feels promising that we can walk hand-in-hand to the shade in this way. It makes me think that I want this. I always want to be holding Jamie Kramer’s hand. It fits so well.

We settle down on a big piece of driftwood, in the shade of a tree. And it’s then that I begin my speech.

‘I remember the first day we met, too,’ I say. ‘Nobody in the world had ever asked me questions and actuallylistened to the answers. You smiled when you talked to me, and made eye-contact like you couldn’t believe what you were looking at. And I was an idiot, because I was eighteen and I didn’t know how rare that look is. How special. I should have fought for it, not listened to the banter of my brothers.’

Jamie looks at me, and because we’re seated side-by-side, it means our faces are close. Not close enough to kiss, but closer than a friend’s should be. His eyes roam my face, and it’s that exact look I am talking about. He looks at me like he’s worried it might be the last time, so he has to drink in every detail.

‘Over the years I think I convinced myself I hated you. It just became easier to say that because I could tell you were keeping your distance. And I couldn’t bear to think I might have these feelings that you didn’t. That would have been humiliating – especially if my family found out. And then at Christmas I suddenly realised I had no idea why I’d ever tried to stay out of your way, or deny what I think has always, for me, been there. It’s made me feel insane. Truly bonkers. And then after I thought you pied me off … I egged your car.’

‘Wait. You egged my car? I thought that was kids from the village!’

‘I was mad – it just sort of happened.’

‘Well, I was too busy being upset that you’d pied me off to care.’

‘I would never. No! And I’m glad you weren’t upsetby the car – I was humiliated and tipsy. Not my finest hour.’

‘Nothing a car wash couldn’t fix,’ he says.

‘And then you showed up on my family holiday,’ I continue. ‘And I was determined not to feel a thing. But I do. And I thank god you kissed me that night, because it turns out everyone has known this for a while and I am only just catching on.’

‘To what?’ Jamie says and he’s closer now – an inch, max, between our noses – and his gaze flickers to my mouth, and I want to launch myself onto him, right here, right now. But first I have to say the thing I am no longer terrified of being true.

‘That I am head-over-heels for you, Jamie Kramer, and it’s been that way for a very, very long time.’

Tears fill his eyes. He says, ‘Really?’

‘Yes! I had to tell you before you left,’ I whisper, tears filling my own eyes now. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And I can’t hold it in any more.’

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