Page 67 of Love at First Sight

I trail off, considering whether I am truly prepared to say what I think it is I need to say. I don’t want to, but I might have to.

‘Then what?’ Ali says.

‘Then I’ll leave,’ I say, letting the words pour out of me before I can even try to hold them in.

Ali nods. ‘You’ll leave?’ she says, evenly.

‘Yes.’

She takes a long pull from her wine glass, gulp after gulp until it’s empty. She doesn’t speak. I hate it. In this moment, I hate her.

‘Do you know what?’ I continue. ‘I think it’s better for everyone if you consider this my one month’s notice. It breaks my heart to say that, but this has all got very toxic and unhealthy.’

Ali raises an eyebrow, and it is, quite frankly, terrifying.

‘That’s fine,’ she says, calmly. ‘We don’t need a month’s notice. I’ve just found out I have a schedule gap now anyway, something about changing the order of shooting. I can manage Henry until you’re replaced. Thank you, Jessie, but you can go now.’

My chest rises and falls dramatically, like I’ve been running. My breath is short and shallow, fight-or-flight mode fully engaged. We stare at each other, and my heart cracks that this is how it ends. Years, I’ve been with Ali. And just like that she’s pushing me out of the door. I’m not family to her, am I? I never have been. I’m staff, and staff can be let go with immediate effect.

The realisation forces tears into my eyes.

‘I’ll go and say goodbye,’ I say, turning to go to Henry upstairs. I want to hug him tight, to say I’ll see him soon, to tell him that I’ll always love him, even if I don’t get to see him every day.

‘I don’t think that’s appropriate right now,’ Ali says. ‘I’ll give him your best.’

‘You’re not going to let me see him?’ I say, astonished. Ali can be cold and unreasonable, but surely she won’t let somebody Henry sees more than his own mother leave without saying goodbye?

‘Not before bedtime, no. He’ll struggle to settle if he’s upset. We’ll be in touch.’

Gobsmacked, yet again, I leave in a daze. When I get home, I vomit.

‘I quit my job,’ I say to India down the phone, hands trembling.

‘Yay!’ she replies, without missing a beat. ‘How do you feel?’

‘Awful,’ I say. ‘She wouldn’t let me say goodbye to Henry.’

‘What a cow. Do you need beer?’

‘Yes.’

‘Indian food?’

‘Yes.’

‘Roger that. I’ll be at yours in ten minutes, okay?’

‘Okay,’ I say, and honestly, this is the worst I’ve ever felt.

‘I’m proud of you,’ India tells me for the millionth time. We’re four beers and two pizzas in. The wait time for delivery from the Indian restaurant was over an hour, and I was starving. I’ve not eaten all day, so we got a couple of artisan pizzas from around the corner, the ones Henry won’t eat because they’re made ‘with love’.

‘I’m proud of me too,’ I say, because two beers allow one to see that it’s okay to want things, and for other people not to get your vision or try to stop you. Fuck Ali and the horse she rode in on. I have no idea if she’ll payme for the next month, considering she’s told me not to come in, but India and I have gone over my accounts and I’ve got enough money to see me through the next few months – and India is determined for me to make money from Stray Kids. She has it all figured out.

‘It can be a community venture and still pay you a living wage,’ she insists. ‘You give it an affordable price point, have an option for people to either pay-what-they-can or have more well-off parents buy extra spots that can be given to the people who can’t afford it. Look at all the yoga studios around here, that’s what they do. Women are allowed to make money, Jessie. It’s proven, in fact, that when women make more money, the whole community benefits, because women tend to spend more within their communities. So you’re doing Stoke Newington a favour by making this profitable! And you could run multiple sites eventually, or even franchise if you wanted to! Honestly babe, the opportunity you have created for yourself is amazing. Being able to focus solely on this opens up so many avenues for you. It’s incredible!’

We clink beer bottles in cheers and I let what she’s saying sink in. I can do this. Iamdoing this.

The thing is, I quite desperately wish I could tell Cal about it. Did I really upset him that much? And if he were here, would he fight for my Health and Safety approval after what I can only think is a miscarriage of justice?

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