Page 108 of Shiver

A gnawing feeling eats away at my sternum. I rub my hand over the spot, trying to soothe the ache as if it were physical. “I may not be able to understand your personal experience with infertility, but I can imagine that that would be really upsetting. Especially working with parents every day who actually do know their children and need to fight to keep them.”

“That definitely didn’t help,” she agrees, but her lips pinch and her glossy eyes only add to the soreness I feel. “But then when I looked into you and found that article, coupled with the endless stream of beautiful women you were photographed with, it made me feel even more like you weren’t deserving.” The look on her face is so pained I want to do anything in my power to wipe it right off.

“To tell you the truth, every day that I get to see my gorgeous little girl, I feel undeserving. Imposter syndrome has threatened to strangle me practically my entire life, and it’s no different with Gia.” I shake my head, squeezing the bridge of my nose as the burning in my nostrils subsides. “Just like when I blame myself for every loss in the rink and hold myself personally responsible even though I know it’s a team sport, I do the same with Gia. And when I realize something isn’t working or I’m not at my best, I work for it. I strive to be the father she deserves, and I’ll work toward being the partner you deserve too.”

She bites the corner of her lip before she says, “I see that now, Luca. And I’m not just saying that. I’ve seen you grow as a father and a prospective partner every day. You always put the needs of others ahead of your own, but you aren’t too caught up to forget to ask for help when it’s what’s best for both you and Gia.” Her words are like a warm, tight hug, and my heart sings with her praise. “I’m proud of you and the way you and Cici have managed to co-parent so beautifully,” she admits. Tears stream down her cheeks, and I kiss them away, clutching her to my chest.

“Thank you, princess. That means more than you know,” I say into her hair. “Now lay it on me. What else do we need to cover before we agree to really be together? Why did you pull back from me after we got back from our vacation?” I feel my muscles tense. I know I’m the one asking for this, but it’s a unique kind of self-inflicted torture as if I’m reminding her of all the reasons she may still choose to leave me.

But I’d rather know now.

Her sniffles quiet. “I was jealous,” she whispers, and the embarrassed way she says it has me coughing to cover up my laughter.

“Sorry, sweetheart. What was that? You were what?”

Her dark eyes shoot up to pin me with a glare. “I said,” she answers dramatically, “I was fucking jealous.” She swats at my chest, and the fiery look in her eyes sends tingles through me. I love it when she gets all riled up like this. “I was jealous of the women flirting with you at baggage claim.”

I snort, and it’s loud and obnoxious, but she doesn’t bother trying to hide her amusement. “You know, I don’t think you ever mentioned them, but I had barely noticed them. Unfortunately, it comes with being a professional athlete. I’m so used to brushing people like that off that I rarely pay attention anymore. But I want you to trust me when I say that I will continue to fend them off, and I’ll even wear a giant sign telling everyone that my body and my heart belong to Samara Perez-Allen, and anyone who dares to try you will suffer a great deal.”

“You’re absurd,” she says with a laugh.

I reach over to the nightstand and grab my phone, typing my name into the search bar.

“What are you doing?” she asks, confused.

I move the phone in front of her face and watch as it registers for her. I slowly begin scrolling through the images. “I know you wouldn’t ask me to do this, but I just wanted to make absolutely certain that you knew. I haven’t so much as looked at another woman since Gia arrived at my home and haven’t wanted to since meeting you.”

Her eyes begin to well with tears. “Arielle explained what really happened in that photo,” she tells me.

I smile at her. “I know, princess,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “There’s nothing that happens in my family that we don’t all know about. You better get used to it.” I smirk.

“But I need you to understand why it upset me so much,” she says.

“You can tell me anything, Samara,” I answer, though I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle it if she’s dealt with even half as much as Arielle has firsthand. It’ll crush my heart, and I can’t be held liable for the things I’d do to whoever hurt her.

She peers up at me with glossy eyes pooling with tears. “When I was in law school, my best friend, Cora, still lived here. She had gotten married at the courthouse after her boyfriend got her pregnant,” she says, her voice cracking.

I lean into her, kissing a fallen tear off her cheek.

“I didn’t even know what was going on with her until it was too late,” she says, her words breaking on a sob. Guilt flows freely through her voice, and the familiar constricting feeling of my throat closing and eyes burning with unshed tears hits me like a tidal wave.

I continue rubbing soothing circles along her back, allowing her the time she needs to find her words. “Her daughter was only two at the time, and when she finally got up the courage to leave him, he used it against her. She made it to the shelter and wasso damn close, but then he convinced her that if she didn’t come back, he’d take her to court. And as a Black woman with no job, she was too terrified to take the chance.”

She blows out a breath, shaking her arms out to recenter herself before continuing. “When she returned, he killed them both and then himself.”

Her words leave me stunned, and rage rips through me. I wrap my arms around her, clutching her to my chest as she continues to sob.

“I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult that must have been for you,” I whisper. “But I’m so goddamn proud of you for everything you do for the women at the shelter and just for being you.”

“I’m sorry, Luca,” she says once her cries have stopped. “I misjudged you so much, and I shouldn’t have put all of that on you.” Her voice is strained and quiet.

Kissing the top of her head, I roll her on top of me so I can hold all of her. “I’m not sure what you’re apologizing for, but there’s no need. I’ve been reckless in how I’ve let the media portray me, and that’s no one’s fault but my own.”

I press another kiss to the top of her head.

She brings her lips to mine, kissing me slowly. Every emotion she’s felt in the last twenty-four hours sinks into my skin as she does.

“There are things I don’t know how to do. Things I’m not very good at yet. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else in my life and that means something to me. Iwantto put in the effort, for you, and forus.I might need a little direction sometimes, but I’m good at making corrections. My career depends on it.”

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