Page 71 of Resilient Love

I reach over, turning off the lamp before settling back against his chest. Several moments pass, my mind drifting in and out of consciousness, but before I can fully doze off, Rafael’s soft voice falls around me.

“Baby,” he whispers. “Are you okay?”

My ears perk, worry niggling at the edges of my heart. I turn over so our chests are pressed together, sliding a hand up his, resting it over his heart. “Yeah, of course I am. Why? What’s wrong?” I ask.

Maybe he’s overwhelmed by how quickly we’re moving. I feel like I might be if I allow myself to think on it too long, but everything with him just feels soright.

He captures my hand, resting his over mine and squeezing gently. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m second-guessing taking you to the church,” he admits.

My chest suddenly has a boulder sitting on it.Regret.God, I hate that emotion. It’s arguably my least favourite of them all and something I’ve worked diligently to overcome in therapy.

“I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head, Elise,” he says with a chuckle. “I don’t regret taking you or writing our names on that wall, or any part of the experience. I’m worried that it was too much with your fear of heights.”

An audible breath leaves my lungs, and my rigid muscles melt back into the bed. “No, Rafa. I hated the heights, so don’t do that shit again, but I don’t have any regrets. It was romantic in a twisted and annoying sort of way.” I let out a soft laugh, the corners of my mouth curling as I speak, amusement dancing in my voice.

He chuckles, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “Deal, but only if you promise not to spank me again. That got me hard for no good reason, and as much fun as it proved to be, I think I’ll stick to being the one doing the spanking.”

My cheeks flush with the memory. “Sounds good to me. It was fun, but I don’t really have an interest in being a switch. Sex is one of the only times I’m okay relinquishing control.”

He strokes a thumb over my cheekbone, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

“And why is that?” he asks, his tone soft again.

I take a moment to think, reluctant to answer something like that without putting thought into it, and after a brief pause, the answer is clear “Having bipolar disorder has taken a lot from me, I think. Sure, there are worse things, and I’ve been very fortunate that with medication I’m usually pretty stable, but the fear of slipping into a manic or depressive episode is something that just ruminates with me at a baseline. It’s not at the forefront of my mind, but it sits there like background noise.”

He runs his hand along the back of my head, pulling my cheek to rest on his chest, but he says nothing, letting me speak and get the thoughts out at my own pace.

“It feels like there’s always this little piece of me that could make me lose myself if I’m not careful.” My cheeks flush as I recall my most recent manic episode, one that he helped me find my way back from. “I try to have as much say in my life as possible to repress that feeling of being out of control. But with sex, I’m able to dissociate from it a little and let pleasure override my thoughts with endorphins and the knowledge that my partners are all consenting, willing participants who want me to experience pleasure almost as much as they do. Even knowing that, I’ve never been able to fully let go even with sex, at least, not until you.”

“Why me?” he asks, his words sounding thick on his tongue.

“Because,” I say, cupping the side of his neck and pressing a soft kiss to his plush lips, “I trust you, completely, with every part of me,even my heart.”

Admitting that has a knot of vulnerability tightening in my stomach. I’ve never wanted to allow anyone else to see this raw and unprotected side of me before, but it’s true. I trust him in every sense of the word.

“Thank you,” he chokes out, pressing his forehead to mine. “You’re the only person I’ve ever even wanted to trust like this, and fuck,I do.I want you to have every piece of me.”

“Why?” I ask, like the idiot that I am.Why?Really, Elise?

He chuckles, unfazed by my apparent inability to read the room. “Because,mi vida, with you, I feel whole.”

Butterflies swarm in my stomach, my throat tightening as I repress the sob that suddenly threatens to take hold of me.

I’m not capable of words, so actions will have to suffice. I grip his cheeks in my palms, pressing my lips to his again, allowing his warmth to radiate into me. I fall asleep in his arms and have the most incredible dreams.

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

SATURDAY, MAY 24

I feellike one of those lovesick idiots you see in the movies. The ones that wake up before their girl does, only to stare lovingly at them until theyfinallygrace them with the gift of their beautiful eyes landing on them—the first thing they see when they wake up each morning.

I’d definitely never envisioned this for myself, but I can’t say I don’t like it.

Waking up with Elise in my arms, and the knowledge that she feels the same way I do, is nothing short of liberating.

A warm, comforting feeling trickles through me, and my blood hums as my fingers trail through her silky roots, brushingthe flyaways off of her forehead to avoid obscuring my view of her. She’s beautiful.

Elise is easily the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever known in my life, and it feels like a privilege to have her like this. To know that we’ve both lived through horrible and traumatic experiences, and we’re able to trust someone else completely in spite of them.

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