Page 73 of Resilient Love

I might not be confident enough in my own capacity for love to be able to give myself over to him, not completely, but in the same way that he’s fighting his demons, I’ll do the same with mine. He deserves at least that.Wedeserve that.

Fear is the only thing holding me back. Fear of about a million things, but the constant worry that my mental health could nosedive for the worst and he’d be here to witness it, leaving him vulnerable to the ups and downs of my moods—it doesn’t feel fair.

Most days, I worry that I can’t even take care of myself, let alone nurture an entire relationship. At a baseline, I have an unsettled feeling that I’ll lose myself in my mental illness, and with the addition of Rafael in my life, that feeling is threatening to drag me under in the same way I worry it might take him too.

No. That’s not entirely true. When I force myself to reflect on how I’ve been feeling lately, I’m hit with a wave of warmth, like sitting on a beach under a golden horizon. Sure, there are still bad days, but having Rafael by my side has beenrelieving.I just hadn’t wanted to fully admit that until now.

“Mi vida,” he says, speaking in a low tone against my ear as he smooths my hair over my shoulders and drags me back to the present, “you’ve got that cute little line between your brows that you get when you’re overthinking.”

Heat crawls up my neck, pooling in my chest at the thought of him watching me, studying every flicker, every shift, every crack in the armour I’ve spent years building. And in that moment, I feel the weight of it all, the weight of this disorder that isn’t just mine to carry, but his now too. He knew that this waswhat he signed up for the moment it started to feelrealfor him too. And who am I to make that call, to push him away when all I really want is for him to stay? He’s free to walk away anytime, and part of me fears he will. But I know this silence won’t save us. I have to start speaking, even if the words shake. Even if they’re not enough.

Just not right now.

“Sorry,” I say, clearing my throat. “I went off to a different place for a little bit.”

“Do you want to talk about it? Because I want to listen if you do.”

I shake my head. “Later. I promise. I think that right now, we’ve done a lot of sharing, and while Ilikethat, it’s not something I’m used to to this degree. I need a little more time to ruminate with my own thoughts before I share them,” I admit, wanting to be clear in my intentions without jumping into an explanation that might be too hard to sort through given the newness of the circumstances surrounding the thoughts. “But Iwillshare them with you, Rafa.”

“That’s okay. Take your time. I’ll be here when you’re ready.” He rearranges us so I’m seated with my back pressed to his chest. “Tell me what you need right now.”

I rest my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes and settling in. “You.Right now, I just need you and some silence to dissociate for a while.” I twist to face him for a moment, ensuring our eyes are locked before I agree to something that I hope I don’t regret later. “I’ll come back to you in a little, I promise.”

A hint of a smile touches his lips before he says again, “I’ll be here.”

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

SATURDAY, MAY 24

“We’ll be approachingEmbershire Station in three minutes,” the conductor says over the speakers.

It took the majority of the trip, but Elise has managed to dig her way out of the trenches of some of what’s plaguing her.

She shared some of her fears with me about halfway into the train ride, explaining that her father is one of her best friends and she knows he’ll accept us but there might be some resistance. But her biggest worry was about the tollhermental health might take onme,and that the thrill of our new relationship might be clouding her true feelings.

Growing up, I was always looking for a thrill, so I understand the sentiment, but I can tell this is different. I know it as fact, and in time, I hope she will too.

The fact that she says she has more to think about both tightens her hold on my throat and sends tiny sparks dancing in my chest. Because for someone like Elise, for someone likeme, it can feel impossible to share all that’s in our heads. Her taking the time to sit with her thoughts before moving on impulse means more to me than she could ever know, so when I said I’d be right here waiting for her to work it out for herself, I meant exactly that.

And something tells me she could use a bit of a distraction.

A slow smile tugs at the corners of my lips, a thought flickering to life in my mind, warm and promising. “Hey, trouble, have you ever been fucked on a railway?”

She rolls her eyes and sits up, her hands finding the waistband of her spandex shorts, sliding them down her toned thighs. She smirks as she says, “Nope, but I think I’m about to be…”

CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR

SATURDAY, MAY 24

Rafael droppedme off at my house, and the moment he left, my gut started to knot up, but when I hear a mixture of laughter and screams coming from inside, that tension in my gut settles. I’ve never had such a desire to be with someone all the time, and it feels strange to want him nearby so often, but I’ve also missed my girls.

I push the door open, and the sight is definitely something to see.

Chelsea’s sitting on the kitchen counter, eating one of those vile creations she always makes with a fruit winder wrapped around a dill pickle, and her camera is pointed at Letty and Adhira.

Letty’s got Adhira doubled over in a chair as she screams her head off, clutching her robe around her waist.

“What did I just come home to?” I ask, already having an idea thanks to the pot of hot wax sitting on the counter beside them.

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