Page 15 of When It Burns

“Let’s do it,” she says.

“Okay ladies, let's hop on up and get ready to run our routine for the first game next week,” I instruct the squad that’s still recovering from the run. They slowly rise to their feet and walk over to the bleachers to place their water bottles out of the way and grab their pom poms before taking their place on the mats to prepare for the routine.

“Music’s on!” I yell, pressing play on the “High Hopes” mix.

The girls lift their heads and are synchronized as they complete a triple toe touch sequence, and they execute the dance portion perfectly before moving to their tumbling formation. Maggie executes a flawless back handspring full combination she spent all summer working on and I resist the urge to squeal in excitement. The girls keep going, walking to their stunt formation with big smiles on their faces. There is an energy in the gym that feels magnetic, like everything we’ve worked for all summer is finally at our fingertips. They hit the rippled heel stretches perfectly, and I look over to share an excited look with Hannah. Finally, Maggie flies through the air and flips over from the pyramid to land safely in her bases’ arms before shooting back up to the ending liberty. The squad calls out “Go Saints” and the music cuts out. I jump up screaming alongside Hannah. They’ve hit the routine before, but the girls are starting to hit their stride, and it’s mesmerizing to watch.

I know it's most likely due to the day I’ve had today, but I feel tears start to sting my eyes. I blink them back quickly, not wanting the girls to tease me about being emotional. This program has come so far since I took over, and I am just so proud that I can finally see the work and planning I’ve put in come together.

“Oh my gosh girls! That was incredible! I am so proud of every single one of you,” I scream as they jump around, unable to stand still due to their excitement. “We’re gonna run it a few more times because I want to make sure it’s perfect. Make sure y’all hit that triple toe touch hard and point your toes during the entire jump sequence. Great job! Once this is perfect, we will run the Bruno Mars routine again for tomorrow night. This routine is pretty close to perfect already, but I want to save it for the field.”

As the girls take their places and get ready to run the routine again, Hannah leans over and whispers, “See I told you, better days.” In that moment, I realize she’s right because, despite the shitty day I’ve had, I can’t keep the smile off my face.

* * *

After runningboth routines a few more times, we call the girls in to end practice. They are sweaty and look exhausted, but they are smiling so big it hurts my cheeks to look at them. “Great job today girls! You have all worked so incredibly hard, and I cannot wait for everyone to see what I saw tonight.”

The girls cheer, and I turn it over to Maggie to close out practice, “Okay, y’all I’ve talked to Miss Caroline and we are going to wear our white uniform with the vintage lettering. Make sure your hair is up with the blue bow. Meet the Saints starts at seven, so we can warm up around six-thirty. If y’all have any questions send them in the group text. I am so proud of how far we’ve come this season. See y’all tomorrow!” There are a few hoots of approval from the other girls, and then everyone is gathering their things to leave.

As most of the other girls make their way to the door, I notice Maggie fidgeting nervously a few feet away like she doesn’t know what to say. Hannah and I make eye contact, and she nods at me whispering, “Go see what’s going on. I’ll hang right here.”

I give her a grateful smile and make my way up to Maggie. “Hey, what’s up?”

She’d been so deep in her thoughts I think I’ve scared her, but she grins and says, “It’s been three years today since I lost my mom, and I just wanted to say thank you. This day always makes me sad, but right now all I can think is, she would be so damn proud of me.

“I miss her so much, but today she doesn’t feel so far away. When she died, I didn’t think I would ever cheer again, but you didn’t let that happen. And it’s making me realize that I don’t want to stop feeling the way I do right now after I graduate. I know I told you no when you asked me if I was interested in pursuing cheerleading in college, but I’ve changed my mind. Do you think you and Miss Hannah can help me?”

My eyes are full of tears but I attempt to blink them back. “Oh my goodness, of course I will help you. I didn’t know your momma well, but I know she would be so incredibly proud of the woman you’ve become. There’s been no better joy than getting to coach you and the rest of this squad and watch y’all make a name for yourself. Let me talk to Hannah and see who all we need to contact.”

She rushes me with a hug before backing up and replying, “Thank you so much! I’d better go. Dad and I are going to Maracas, and I don’t want to be late. But really Miss Caroline, thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself.”

I don't really have words to say but manage to choke out “Of course” before turning back and walking over to where Hannah is waiting for me. I collapse onto the seat beside her and after ensuring the gym is empty except for the two of us, I burst into tears.

I’ve always been a bit on the emotional side, but these are the parts of teaching that I wish everyone saw. The extreme highs and lows. Feeling like nothing I do will ever be enough. Feeling like I have to hold the whole world together. Knowing I can’t fix all my kids’ problems, but still feeling guilty when they’re struggling. The way it feels when I think I’ve made a difference coupled with the shame I feel when all my attempts at help are met with negativity. Between the events of this morning, practice, and Maggie’s speech, I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster today. I’ll be ready to face tomorrow head-on in a second, but first I need a minute with my best friend to process all of these emotions.

Hannah rubs my shoulder comfortingly and says, “They tell us all the time we can’t save them all, and they’re right. But I’ll be damned if you didn’t save that one.” I let out a small laugh because she’s right. I might not be able to fix whatever Michael is struggling with, and I may not have all the answers. But in this moment, I can cling to the fact that I’ve made a little bit of difference and right now that’s enough.

* * *

I’m coveredin sweat as I swipe away on Instagram while leaving the gym almost two

hours later. After practice, I stayed behind and used the weight room to work out some of the remaining pent-up energy that felt as if it had been vibrating just under the surface of my skin since this morning. Between a few rounds of circuits and my run at practice, paired with a smutty audiobook, I feel more relaxed than I have all day.

I’m exhausted, and all I can think about is showering and curling up on the couch. I have big plans to watchLove Islandwrapped up in my fuzzy pink blanket with a large glass of Moscato and my favorite snack–melted M&Ms. Hannah always laughs at the fact that I have to microwave my M&Ms, but I will forever stand by the fact that it’s the only way to eat them.

As I walk outside, I notice that my SUV is the only car left in the parking lot, which isn’t surprising since it’s after seven. Making my way closer to my vehicle, I see a box sitting on the hood. I can make out my name written across the top in a messy scribble along with what looks to be a piece of copy paper sticking out of the top.

Grabbing the piece of paper first, I flip it open and read it.

Miss Tyler,

I heard about your day and thought you could use a pick me up. Consider this my attempt at an olive branch. I know I was a dick about your candle on Monday, but here’s a replacement.

See you Saturday,

Chief Johnson

Shaking my head at the note, I open the box and find a pink oil diffuser and a couple of scents in the box. I feel a smile take over my face as I repackage the oils and throw the box in the car with my bag. I have to admit, Chief Johnson is full of surprises.

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