Page 60 of When It Burns

I haven’t cried since the last time I was here fourteen years ago. I convinced myself at sixteen that if I put on a good enough act that I could pretend this didn't happen. I thought if I could block out every emotion I felt, I couldn’t get hurt again. I realize now how wrong I had been, and once I feel the first tear hit my cheek, I can’t stop.

I cry for the teenage boy who thought he had to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders. I cry for my parents who would have been devastated by the way I chose to live my life, shutting everything and everyone out. I cry for my brother who should be changing lives as a high school coach, helping boys just like the ones I work with discover their potential. I cry for the future I should have had before a tragic accident changed the course of my life. I cry for my sister who had to grow up without the comfort of her mother.

After I have cried and screamed and hollered enough to make my throat hurt, I look at the headstones in front of me and blow out a breath. “Mom. Dad. Jake. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry I quit living when you died. I’m sorry you aren’t here to kick my ass. And I love you. I love you so damn much it hurts. But I can’t live in the past any longer.

“I met this girl. She’s funny and sweet and way too damn good for me. But, by some miracle, I think she might love me. She looks at me and sees more than the broken man I’ve seen every time I’ve looked in the mirror. She looks at me and sees someone worth loving, And I know if you were here like you should be, you’d love her as much as I do.”

I feel a light breeze hit my face in the dark night as the lights of the cemetery shut off. Taking that as my cue to leave, I stand and say, “I’ll always miss you. But I’m gonna do my best to live for you instead of wishing I’d died with you.”

Shuffling toward the truck, I walk slowly, since it’s pitch black outside without the overhead lights. After a moment, I turn back for one last look at the grave and stop dead in my tracks. As I had walked, a swarm of fireflies had descended, and through the darkness, they take turns lighting up the black night as their lights flicker. I wipe a stray tear as it slips down my cheek at the view and shake my head.

The weight of shame I have been carrying for years lightens, and I feel like I can take a deep breath. I know I still have a long way to go, but tonight feels like a good step in the right direction.

When I first met Caroline, I remember being afraid that the darkness inside of me would one day overshadow her light. But tonight is a reminder that even the darkest night can’t overtake a glimmer of light. And Caroline Tyler is so much more than a damn glimmer.

CHAPTER FORTY

CAROLINE

By the time Friday afternoon arrives, the school is abuzz with excitement about the game and pep rally. I had given up trying to hold the attention of my afternoon students, and I felt like I had run three miles around the campus by the time students started entering the gym for the pep rally.

I nervously pace the gym and straighten the mats for the hundredth time as the girls make their way out of the locker room and begin to stretch. They begin warming up their stunts, while Hannah and I take turns making sure the signs, flags, and spirit sticks are all where they are supposed to be. After checking everything for what feels like the millionth time, I lean over to Hannah and whisper, “I am running to the bathroom before everyone gets here. That one is packed with the band getting changed. I’ll be right back.”

She nods at me as I make my way out of the gym and head towards the restroom. As I leave the small staff bathroom, I think about the changes we need to make to our routine for next week until I hear a voice say, “Hey, Sunshine.”

I turn to see Theo leaning against one of the lockers outside of Will’s room. He gives me a smile that makes my heart stop before I respond, “Hey Cowboy. What are you doing here?”

“Well, I know this may come as a shock, but every once in a while, we have a super slow day at the station. I’m so damn bored. We’ve had exactly three calls in the last month, and not one of them has been an actual emergency. I was going stir-crazy, so I figured I would come watch the pep rally. I’m just waiting on Will and the other coaches,” he says before reaching out and grabbing my hand.

“Well, aren’t you just Mr. Springside, Chief Johnson?” I tease, and he lets out a laugh. “Wow, you’re in a good mood.”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he says.

“Hmm, I like it. How was yesterday? I texted you but I never heard back, so I wasn’t sure if something was wrong,” I ask, not wanting to sound insecure.

“Oh sorry babe. I didn’t mean to ignore you. I just got busy. Forgive me?” Theo asks, rubbing his thumb up and down my hand like he is trying to settle his nerves.

“Of course.”

He smiles at me before he pulls me to him and kisses me. I kiss him back for a moment before I remember that we are in the hallway at the high school.

“Okay, calm it down. We don’t need to do this here. My girls are waiting on me. I need to get back,” I tell him, the disappointment in my voice obvious.

“Okay, Sunshine. Go ahead. Just know after the game tonight, you’re all mine,” he growls before dropping a final quick kiss on my lips.

“I told you I’m always all yours, Cowboy,” I say with a wink just as the classes in this hallway are dismissed to the pep rally and the students flood the hall. “I’ll see you in there?”

“Yep! Go Saints,” Theo says with a smirk.

I shake my head as I hurry back towards the gym. I don’t know what’s gotten into Theo today, but whatever it is, I have no complaints. He seems happier than normal, and I can’t help but smile at that thought.

As I walk back into the gym, I see the girls already huddled up in the corner with Hannah. I hurry over to them and say, “Y’all have fun out there ladies. Remember the counts for your baskets, and make sure you hit your ripples hard. Y’all got this!”

A few of the girls on the squad smile and nod at me before Maggie calls out our pre-performance chant. “1-2-3. Saint’s on me! 1-2-3…” The girls and I yell back “Saints” before Hannah and I walk back to the bleachers to take our seats on the first row.

“Why am I always so damn nervous?” I whisper to her as the girls get into their stunt groups for the football players to walk through.

Hannah just grabs my hand, and we take turns holding our breath as the girls flip and fly through the air. Theo and the rest of the coaches walk in with the team as our girls show spirit, working to get the crowd on their feet and cheering. Once the team is seated, the girls move into their position on the mats and fold their heads down, waiting on the music to start.

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