Page 23 of Forever After All

"My mum sent me a text this evening." I begin telling the story that nobody else knows, aside from me, my dead ex, and his friend that saw him hit me once. "She told me that my ex-boyfriend died." I say it so coldly without realising.

"Oh, shit, Alice. I'm so sorry. Are you okay? Were you still close?" Wrapping a hand around the back of my neck, he gives it a gentle squeeze before stroking my hair again.

"Here's the thing. I've been keeping this giant secret since I left England, and I've never told another living person." I wriggle a little in the seat.

"Well, you can trust me." He states it as a fact.

"I know," I whisper. Sitting up on the couch, I pull the blanket around my shoulders and turn to face Carter. "I didn't just move here for Autumn. I moved here because my ex, Danny, used to abuse me." Saying that out loud felt like swallowing a brick of lead. The sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach became more apparent as I was able to form the words.

"Alice, what the—"

I cut him off before he can say another word. "Please, let me speak, because if I stop I might not start again." I try my hardest not to let my voice shake.

Carter nods at me, then I continue. "Nobody knows. I couldn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed." I start to spill my best kept secret. "It started when I was nineteen. Things were so good for a while. He did everything for me, made me feel like I was the only person in the room. Looking back on it now, I realise that his behaviour was less than ideal." I wring my hands together a little, trying to zone out as I speak. "He isolated me from my friends without me recognising that he had, but everyone who met him loved him. He was charming. Still to this day, my parents think he was a saint."

"They always are fucking charming." Carter rages at what I'm telling him, but I haven't even got to the bad bits yet.

"Carter, please." I reach out and squeeze his thigh and hepresses his hand down on top of mine, enveloping my fingers in warmth. "It started small, like these things usually do, I suppose. We would be watching a movie together, and out of nowhere he would pinch me so hard it would bruise immediately." I rub a patch on my arm, remembering a time when he hurt me. "But he'd laugh it off and pretend like he was playing. Then, after a while he would trip me up. Again, under the guise of it being funny." As I talk, I relay the details of my relationship, I always remember saying to myself when I was younger,I would never stay with an abusive partner. Why do people stay?Then it happened to me. These people don't just start battering you from day one. They grind you down until you think you aren’t worthy of time, love, or affection. Then, they make you feel like you have nowhere to go, so you're at their mercy.

"Things started to really ramp up once he knew he was getting away with it. To be honest, the physical pain never bothered me as much as the things he said or did to me, to try and make me hate myself." I hate remembering these things, but fear I have no choice now. "I have always been a tall, plus-sized girl with long hair. It's almost my trademark, you know? I was always so happy with how I looked, and he hated that. I woke up one day and he'd cut my ponytail off to my shoulders as I slept, because he knew I loved my hair. Of course, I told everyone that I wanted a change, and because I was an impulsive teen, nobodyeven questioned it."

Carter begins to look horrified as he realises the depth of the information I'm telling him. He reaches out to touch my hair, and twirls a curl between his fingers as I continue detailing the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex.

"He started telling me that nobody else would want me because I was a ‘fat cunt’ and I should be lucky that someone like him was giving me the time of day." It’s such a struggle to get the words out, but I try my hardest anyway. "He belittled me and succeeded in making me start to hate myself. I would starve myself and diet compulsively to try to make myself better for him." Carter rubs his hand up and down my arm as the words continue to flow from my mouth. "I remember being so excited that I'd lost five pounds and I couldn't wait to tell him, hoping it would make him love me more. But all he said was ‘Hahaha. Five pounds? Only another ninety-five to go.’ I honestly cringe at this now, because like fuck would I ever make myself smaller for a man's approval ever again."

"Alice, no woman should ever make themselves smaller for a man, ever," he butts into the conversation, and I let him this time.

"As soon as he started to drink excessively, it got worse and worse, yet I carried on making excuses for the reasons he was like that. There was no excuse. He was just a terrible human."

Gripping me by the hips, Carter pulls me into his lap. Opening his arms, Carter enables me to lean against his chest, he wraps me into a hug, lacing his fingers over the top of my thigh, and he presses my face to his chest so I can feel his heart beating underneath me. His familiar orange spice scent makes me feel safe as I completely relax into his body.

"When I'd reached my lowest point, the physical abuse escalated further. He would slap me across the face for making dinner wrong, he tripped me in front of his best friend once when I was carrying a tray of drinks. He laughed at me, and his best friend did nothing." A single tear rolls down my cheek and Carter swipes it away with his thumb as my lip wobbles.

"Fucking scumbags.” His chin is resting on top of my head, and I feel the words vibrate through my skull. His fingers dig into my thigh a little.

I almost forgot he was here for a moment as I recount everything that happened to me. I could just as easily have been talking to an empty room and feeling the same sense of relief, because I have never, not even once, talked about this out loud. It is cathartic, but so scary all at the same time.

"The day I left is the day he punched me so hard that I flew across the room." I feel Carter's entire body stiffen beneath me and he hooks his arm under my knees, pulling me a little closer to him, not that I thought that would be possible. "I will neverforget how lucky I was that he didn’t break my face. I'll never know to this day how I didn't end up in the hospital. I think it was life warning me about what was to come." I stay silent for a few seconds, thanking whatever gods are out there that I am still alive. "I fell to the floor, twisted my ankle and wrist, and felt my face blow up like a balloon immediately. I took my stuff and I just ran." I feel my breathing fasten again as I talk about the final day of abuse and panic starts to rise in my voice.

"I knew to my core that if I didn't leave that day, I would die at the hands of Danny. I was hurrying to leave and he threatened me for the last time. He initially begged me not to leave, but when he realised I was really going, he became monstrous again. I will never forget the look in his eyes until the day I die, he glazed over, and I'd never been more terrified of him. He said, and I quote, ‘I'm going to find you, Alice. I'll always find you, you little cunt.’ I slammed the door as hard as I could and I just fucking ran. I always believed he would find me eventually…and now he's dead. I've struggled to maintain a meaningful relationship since that day. I'm such a fucking mess." I talk so fast, getting out the last sentence and a full-blown panic attack takes hold and I tremble in Carter's arms, desperate to get up.

"Help me, fuck, I feel like I'm going to pass out." I’m hyperventilating, and the concern in Carter's face horrifiesme. He follows, after I push away and run to the panoramic windows. Trying to regulate my own breaths again. I push my palms into the large pane of glass.

Things I can feel. 1. The cold glass. 2. The rug beneath my feet. Oh, fuck I don't know.

Carter rubs my back and grabs a chair to sit me in. He eases me down into it as I hyperventilate.

3. The leather chair.

He rushes to the kitchen, bringing back the first drink he finds. A cold beer.

4. The beer bottle.

"Alice, you need to drink this, and I promise I will never say this to you again, but you need to calm down, honey." He kneels in front of me, and I take a long drink then drop the bottle, desperate for something else to feel. Shaking, I reach out, take hold of his face and pull him in to kiss him.

5. Carter's lips on mine.

Oh no, what did I just do?

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