Page 42 of Forever After All

"I don't know, but I am a fucking wreck and I can't drag Carter into it. It isn't fair." I twist my hands together in my lap. "I like him, I really like him." I admit this out loud for the first time, and surprise myself. "But I know that I'm going to fuck it up. I just know I will." I wrestle with myself, trying to search for a solution, knowing deep down what I need to do. "I need to go back to England for the funeral. I don't think I'm ever going to get closure unless I do."

"Well, let's go then." Autumn pulls her phone out of her pocket.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"I'm asking Sawyer to find my passport. You're not doing this alone."

The love I have for my best friend gets stronger the longer I have known her. She would drop everything in her life for me, as I would for her. Autumn has her own demons attached to our childhood hometown, and as much as I would love her to be there, I just can't do that to her.

"I need to do this by myself, I want to go alone. Ineedto go alone. I want to look at his coffin and know that he'll never getto hurt me or anyone else again," I say, and Autumn nods once, understanding completely. "I was supposed to be seeing Carter on Friday night, we were going to set some boundaries, but I know that I need to go—probably as soon as tomorrow."

"Look, you do what you need to do, okay? Just tell him, because I'm telling you, that man is in love with you, Ali."

I shake my head, shrugging off what she says. "He's in love with the good stuff between my legs." I laugh a little, and she shakes her head.

"I'm serious, Alice. Don't break his heart on the way to fixing your own. As much as he is a pain in the ass, he ismypain in the ass. Don't hurt him, Al." Her protectiveness for her new brother-in-law is coming out.

"I won't, I promise." I pull Autumn into a hug, and Jed nudges my leg once more.

It's nearing midnight and I yawn.

"Look, I'm going to go, okay? But I’m here, whenever you need me, I'm here for anything. Please send me your flight details." Autumn squeezes my thigh a little. "Let me know when you land and where you're staying."

Autumn and Jed leave the apartment, and I'm still wrapped in my blanket.

I pull out my phone and shoot Brenna a text.

Me: Hey, girl, I'm sorry it's late. You know what you said about taking a few days off? Well, can you cover for me for the rest of the week? I need to go back to England; I'm going to fly tomorrow if I can.

Brenna: Sure, Alice. Not a problem at all. Want me to speak to Anna tomorrow??

Me: That would be great. Can you just tell her that I'm going back home for a funeral? I don't want the questions.

Brenna: Spit on his fucking grave, Alice. You hear me?

I drop my phone, and drag the blanket over me, not even bothering to go to bed. I close my heavy eyes and drift off into a deep sleep.

Chapter 21

Alice

Grey sweats tucked into my high-tops, a black tee, no makeup, hair in a messy side braid, and a beanie hat pulled down over my ears completes my travel outfit. Slamming the trunk of the cab shut, I haul my luggage over the cobbles, and stand at the shuttle stop, waiting to be taken to the departures building.

Looking at my ticket, I do my mental checklist. I confirm I’m flying to London Heathrow, I have the right day and right time, I’m not carrying a weapon, I haven't got a homemade bomb, and I don't have cocaine stuffed up my ass.

I’m sure we all have these discussions with ourselves when flying, but I convince myself every single time I fly, that I am going to go through the body scanner, only to find that I have drugs stuffed in a body cavity.

Luckily for me, that is yet to happen, but the fear is still there regardless.

I planned to message Carter last night. I planned to call him. But I honestly didn't know what to say.

Saying,Hey, I am absolutely crazy so I'm going to England to make sure my abusive ex-boyfriend is actually dead, so I can dance on his grave and learn to fix myself,didn't seem like a wise idea, so I ignored it all together.

As soon as I get my bearings and I'm through the gate, I am going to let him know that I need to reschedule Friday. I don't need to be specific. He just needs to know I'm not coming. Carter has dealt with enough of my drama over the last couple of weeks.

I really fucking care about this guy and I need to stop repeating the same patterns over and over and expecting a different result.

I drag my luggage onto the airport shuttle, and try my hardest to find a seat—to no avail. It must be a busy time of day to be catching a flight. As the shuttle flies around the airport perimeter, I clasp the handle and bump my knees several times into the metal bars, trying to steady myself and stop myself falling over.

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