Page 55 of Ellie 1

“Make peace with the fact you messed up wasting time on someone toxic and manipulative. Don’t get down on yourself. We’ve all done it. None of us is perfect. This isn’t a pity party or another way to tear you down. That bastard did that enough already. This is you maturing and reaching a new level to understand you want it in the past.”

“And getting rid of the lingerie I used to wear for him will do that?” I hedged, not thinking that it was really logical.

She was quiet for a moment. “Yes, because you just referred to it as lingerie you wore forhimand not your lingerie, Ellie. He has ownership of those items in your mind. Those items are in your home and condo. You don’t want him there anymore, right?”

“No, no, I do not,” I said firmly, shocked how easily she laid it out and how much it made sense. I rubbed my chest and realized she was right. So much of Tommy was in my house even if we’d never been real.

He’d been something big in my life.

Something toxic I wanted gone.

Once she put it in that perspective, I realized there was a lot I wanted to get rid of and flinched. “How much is going too far?”

“How long were you with him?” she hedged.

“Almost a decade, but it wasn’t—the second and fourth Saturday isn’t a relationship, Renee.”

“Yes, it is. Just not a boyfriend/girlfriend one we see as normal. He was your lover for almost a decade and you had routines and patterns. I wouldn’t blame you if you sold your damn condo and moved to start over, Ellie. Almost a decade? And it was toxic and abusive?”

“I don’t know I’d go that far and—”

“What sparked you into reaching out for help tonight?” she pushed. “What did you see that made you want to move forward? There was a catalyst to this.”

I told her about the flowers but not that they were at my door or who they were from. The rest though and what it made me realize.

“Ellie, he was emotionally abusive if you saw supportive flowers and immediately thought what you did. Please trust me that Tommy Fitz was abusive even if he never hit you.”

“Okay, I hear you,” I sighed, scrubbing my head. “I do. It’s just a lot.”

“It is even when you don’t have ASH on your shoulders and everything you’re going through. I will say you should ask more of the department heads. We’re paid well to handle what we should and you’re just such a rock star that we let you do your thing. We can and should help more. I personally sat in on all the HR lectures and training.

“I made it clear that if people didn’t start getting in line and acting professional that they didn’t have to just worry about HR but me and my wrath. That I would get them blacklisted from just transferring to another job like they were a victim and shaming ASH. We all need to step up.”

“Can you give the other department heads that lecture?” I chuckled. “Right now, I’m drowning too much and trying to handle the mess. The department heads standing up to the board was a huge help, but it’s all been…”

“I know. I know it has, Ellie. That’s why you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re doing well. And it doesn’t have to be all today.” She was quiet a moment as if considering her next words carefully. “Clean out the lingerie tonight. Say goodbye to the woman who wore that for him and say hello to the new Ellie who wears lingerie forherself.”

“Okay, I’ll start there,” I agreed.

And she was right. That was exactly what I’d needed. I felt lighter after clearing out that part of my closet.

Unfortunately, it was thewhole sectionof my closet. That dresser was just empty and all of the pretty robes or nightgowns gone.

This is my life without Tommy.

No! No, that washimtalking. Not me. I hadn’t missed him at all.

What didIreally feel about this?

I wanted the answer so badly that I plopped down and didn’t let myself get distracted. So what did I feel?

Embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I’d fooled myself that what we’d had wasn’t a relationship and was fine between two adults. Clearly, it wasn’t fine. It was more like Renee said. It was more to Tommy since he planned to mate me in the end. I was embarrassed how it all turned out.

Tired. I was tired of having Tommy and his bullshit on my mind. I was tired of thinking about him and all of this. It was exhausting. It made me feel old.

Something sparked with that last thought as I stared at the lingerie that was visible. It was probably four or five years old.

Was that the last time I’d bought lingerie to have fun with Tommy?

---