Page 27 of Love Legacy

She cuts me off. “Let me finish, please?” I nod, sitting back. “Sage, that kiss was…unexpected, to say the least. It was nice. Exciting even. It was a great kiss, even if I was three sheets to the wind.”

I blush, rubbing the back of my neck. “You weren’t so bad yourself, Naomi.”

She gives me a small smile. “And I think that’s a big reason why I’m confused. I’ve never had feelings for a woman. I’ve certainly never kissed a woman before. I’ve spent my whole life knowing that I was straight. Believing that that was the only way to love and spend your life.

Do I buy into the whole ‘gays face eternal damnation and they are the devil incarnate’? I don’t believe I do. But it’s still jarring to consider that maybe I might share those feelings,” she explains.

I stay quiet, mulling over Naomi’s words. I would be lying if I said that hearing her moral conflict didn’t hurt a bit, but I couldn’t blame her. It was her upbringing. She grew up hearing that gays were bad and she couldn’t possibly be gay. It’s hard to reconcile your own feelings and emotions with what you think you should be.

“Your conflict isn’t entirely unique. Sure, you have the added element of your religion, but I also struggled with my sexuality when I first came out.”

Naomi’s jaw drops. “You? I find it hard to believetheSage Carpenter struggled with her sexuality,” she says.

I laugh. “I wasn’t always out and proud. That’s come with time and finding a great support network that accepts me and my sexuality. But when I first came out, I was scared shitless.

I didn’t always know that I was a lesbian. In fact, it took me a while to realize that I was emotionally, and later sexually, attracted to women. I did know from an early age that I wasn’t interested in the male species. I’ve always found boysicky. Originally, I thought it was just age-related. I mean, after all, most girls find boys gross at one point or another.

For me, however, those feelings never went away. As I got older, I started to realize I wasn’t interested in men at all. While my friends and classmates started chasing after boys and dating, that desire never came to me. It wasn’t until I was well into high school that I started actually feeling attracted to women.

At first, I couldn’t distinguish those feelings. I hadn’t had a crush on anyone, so how could I differentiate between a strong friendship and a romantic connection? But then came along my first crush, Delilah Walker. I was hooked, fixated on her.

I couldn’t get enough of her. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her. I felt lighter when I was around her. Delilah made my days brighter. When I talked to an old foster sibling of mine, they helped me figure out what I was feeling was aromantic connection. Delilah and I dated for a brief moment, our relationship ending because I was unwilling to come out of the closet just yet.

Since I was in foster care, I feared coming out would have the worst outcome—that my foster parents would decide they didn’t want a lesbian in the house, and I would get placed with a nightmare family or go back to the group home. Theia’s parents were amazing, and in hindsight, I should’ve known they would be supportive. But I had finally found a family that accepted me. That wanted me, baggage and all. I wasn’t ready to risk losing that yet.”

“How did they find out that you were gay then?” Naomi interjects, her eyes wide as she follows along with my story.

I smile softly to myself, remembering the day vividly. “Because of my ‘friend’ Katie. Katie was the girl I started seeing after Delilah my junior year of high school. As I did with D, I spent a ton of time with Katie. Even more so this time around, and I brought her home, something I never did with Delilah.

I thought we were being very discreet. Keeping things strictly platonic when my parents were around. But my parents quickly put two and two together. Late night phone calls with the door closed; constantly going out just the two of us, to the mall, to the movies, out to eat; deciding to go to prom together, just as friends, but color coordinating our dresses. Nothing about our friendship was platonic.

So, about one week before prom, my parents sat me down and asked about Katie. I initially denied it, said she was just a friend. But they knew. They asked me what ‘me and my girlfriend’ planned to do after prom, and I just spilled everything. They were extremely supportive, even offered to get us a limo so we could have the ‘proper prom experience.’ One thing Melody, Theia’s mom, said really stuck with me. ‘When you find something that feeds your soul and brings you joy, love yourselfenough to make room for it in your life.’ I’ve tried to follow this every day since.

Katie and I broke up around graduation, but I’ve lived out and proud since the day I came out to my parents. They still tried to adopt me, and my worst fears of being rejected never came true. I’ve put my happiness first. That means pursuing what I want, dating who I please, and living life to the fullest.”

Naomi sits back, chewing on her cheek, mulling over my words.

“I know you have the whole religious element to consider too, but you deserve to be happy, Naomi. You’ve already started down that path by leaving High Valley University and coming here. Alex told me about your ex. You might not have been fully interested in him because you might not be interested in men. Or maybe you are, but you’re interested in women too. Sexuality is fluid.

I don’t want you to feel any pressure, but I like you, Naomi, a lot. And it scares me, if I’m going to be honest.” I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. I debated whether or not to tell her. On one hand, I didn’t want to influence her decisions as she worked through her emotions. On the other, I knew if I didn’t say anything, she’d be unsure of what that moment meant, even if she did come to the conclusion she does have feelings for me. I was being vulnerable right now, telling her about my coming out story, might as well lay all the cards out on the table for her.

“Why does it scare you?” she says softly, leaning toward me to take my hand in hers.

My eyes open, meeting her soft brown ones. “I’m scared because I’m afraid of being rejected. It’s easy to brush off someone declining a one night stand. But opening up my heart to someone, being vulnerable and hoping that they want me for me? I’ve been burned before. My birth mom left me, she decided I wasn’t worth it. And then things ending with both Delilah andKatie, not that expected to live happily ever after with my first girlfriend, it all builds on each other.”

I look down at our joined hands, her thumb stroking the back of my hand. “I guess I just want someone to choose me for once. To put themselves out there and say they want me, that they need me. So I’m not always getting left out in the cold when I put myself out there.”

Naomi sighs, resting her head on my shoulder. We sit in silence for a few moments, the only sound the muffled music coming from behind Alex’s closed bedroom door. Her soothing strokes on the back of my hand, working magic on calming my nerves.

“I can’t give you what you want, Sage, at least not right now.” Her voice gentle, softening the blow. “I’m still trying to work through this mess of religion and what I want in my head, and it wouldn’t be fair to drag you along for that, especially if I come out the other side and nothing’s changed.”

She sits up and lifts my chin with a finger before cupping my cheek. “What I can do though, is promise you that you are worth it. Whether my feelings are romantic or not, I am deeply connected to you. I choose you, Sage Carpenter, as a friend, as a partner, whatever it may be in the end. You’re stuck with me, because I do need you. You’re part of this little family that I’ve found here at Pinebrook, and y’all have shown me more love, compassion, and empathy than I could ever have asked for.”

Even though it’s not quite what I was hoping to hear, my heart feels a little lighter, the tension melting from my shoulders. It wasn’t a profession of love, but it wasn’t a rejection either, and this is next best thing. Naomi Williams is open to the possibility of me, of us. And that gives me more hope than I had when I walked into her apartment with.

“I’m stuck with you, huh? I don’t think you realize what you’ve just signed yourself up for.” I laugh, trying to lighten the moment.

Naomi gives me a little smirk of her own. “I knowexactlywhat I’m getting into.”

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