Page 15 of The Truth of Loving You

I nodded emphatically.

“I do think you have submissive tendencies, but that isn’t something someone else can decide for you. I should’ve asked you some easier questions, but I can’t always think straight when it comes to you.” Again, Cole scrubbed his hand over his face. “Please don’t take offense to anything I’m about to say. I’m not judging you.” He drew in a deep breath. “You always look like you’re calculating something. Your brain is working all the time, and you’re in constant motion fidgeting. When I use a certain tone with you or demand something, you respond immediately and physically slow down. And sometimes your eyes dilate like you’re turned on.”

“That makes sense.” I forced myself to stop drumming my fingers on my thigh. He’d observed things I’d felt, some conscious, some not. “I should learn more about being a submissive. Maybe I should join a club for that sort of thing.”

Cole growled and clenched his jaw. I shrugged; we were at an impasse.

Cole cracked his neck and said, “What else is going on in your head?”

I understood Cole’s guilt and pain regarding Paxton, so I made an effort to keep my thoughts generalized. No need to scare him off with my lust for him. “I’m worried that I want something theoretically.”

Cole huffed out a sound between a grunt and a laugh.

“I never gave dicks much thought beyond my own, but when I did, well, I’m interested. I mean, in theory, the thought of sucking a guy’s dick is a turn on, but what if the attraction is only in my head. What if I try to suck a dick, and in the moment, I find it repulsive?”

Cole shut his eyes. “Please stop saying ‘suck a dick.’”

“Sorry, was that too crude?” After I asked the question, I noticed Cole had started to get hard. That should not thrill me but it did. Ignoring his growing erection, I continued, “If my question bothers you, we don’t have to talk about it.”

“It’s fine. I said I would help you, and I meant it.” Cole opened his eyes but repositioned himself so there was more space between us. “Has that ever happened before? You thought you’d like something sexually but didn’t?”

“No, but I’ve never been adventurous in that area.” A blush crept up my neck.

“I don’t think it’s something to worry about too much.”

“You’re right, and if I go to a professional, they would understand my predicament and not take offense if it didn’t work out.” A lightbulb went on in my head. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own revelations, it would have occurred to me sooner. “Are you a Dominant? Is that why you asked about me?”

“I’ve never been a Dominant before.” Cole sounded like the admission was dragged out of him.

“So maybe you have questions, too.” I bounced forward. “We should go to a sex club together. I’ll learn about being a submissive and confirm that I’m attracted to dicks, and you can figure out if you’re a Dominant.”

In this plan, I wouldn’t have to give up Cole completely. Maybe we could be friends. Conceivably, it was possible to be friends with a guy I wanted to have sex with.

“No!” Cole bellowed, shooting to his feet, and I instinctively shrank back into the couch.

My brain had made a serious miscalculation.

Cole

My reaction was primal, vicious. Immediately, I regretted it. I’d scared Shane and also had no intention of acting on my feelings. The thought of another man’s hands on Shane, teaching him, pleasuring him, and getting to have Shane’s mouth had triggered a homicidal rage against a nonexistent guy. Some remote part of me howledmine.

I couldn’t go there with Shane. I’d lost my soulmate, and Shane deserved more than a night of dirty sex. Shane deserved more than me.

“Sorry,” I said, hanging my head and forcing my fists to unclench. “It’s not you—it’s me.” I refused to look at him and see the fear I’d put in his eyes.

“Fuck you,” Shane spat. “You promised.”

My head snapped up in reaction to his anger. He was furious, an avenging angel ready for battle. Shane should be carved in stone to capture his beauty. And fuck, anger was hot on him.

Shane pointed a finger at me. “You insisted I come here. You wanted to talk about what happened. You said you wanted to help me. And YOU askedmequestions about my sexual preferences. Then, you dare judge me for wanting to explore my options!” Shane’s chest swelled with every breath. “You don’t want to help me, you just want to feel superior. Would you like me to list all of the ways you’re a hypocrite? I have a list a mile long.”

“That’s enough,” I demanded.

“Do not use that dominant tone with me and think I’m going comply like a good little boy. I’m not your experiment.” Shane advanced a step and halted. “I’m not your anything.”

“Stop.” I hated myself for making him feel less than.

I hated that my past chained my ability to be what Shane needed. I hated, even more, the images of him as my very good boy. He’d be so fucking good.

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