Page 79 of The Truth of Loving You

1999-2010

Beloved son, brother, friend

Our angel

The right side was engraved:

Shane Reynolds

1999-

Cole cursed and his arms wrapped around me, preventing me from falling to my knees.

“I asked my parents to put twin on it.” Cole released me as I traced my fingers over Shep’s inscription. “They said no. They blamed me. I heard them say they wished it was me who died. I think it’s the only thing we’ve agreed on since it happened.”

Nothing accurately expressed the pain of losing my twin, my literal other half, but a decade and a half had numbed the pain to a dull ache.

“Pretty Boy, baby.” Cole tucked me into his body, and we sank down on the leaves and long grass. “Never again say it should’ve been you. I am so thankful you are here with me.” His lips pressed to the back of my head.

“A couple weeks before Shep was hit by a car, he told me he was going to be a CEO or CFO and make tons of money, so we could live on a beach where he’d support me because I’d be a poor librarian or a writer.” A humorless laugh escaped his lips. “Through therapy, I’ve realized that I’d adopted his goals. We were both whizzes with numbers, but I loved books more. The boy in me thought I could win back my parents’ love if I was more like Shep. I got lost along the way.

“It was my fault. The day he was killed, the new book in the dragon series we’d been reading had just been released. They were the only books he’d read with me. We were going to sneak to the bookstore after school to buy it, but I wanted to stay after school for chess club. A nerd activity that Shep wouldn’t do with me. I convinced Shep to go without me, so I’d have it when I got home. He didn’t care, but I begged him to go get it for me.” The confession felt foreign on my lips as if it belonged to someone else.

Someone who wouldn’t recklessly send their twin to his death. Years later, I still had a hard time letting go of that guilt.

“That’s the dragon in your tattoo,” Cole surmised and bent his knees like last night, cocooning me.

I nodded and rested my head back on his shoulder. “Shep loved dragons because they’re brave and resourceful. I loved them because they symbolized intellect and protection. I wanted him over my heart, and I loved the triquetra as a symbol of endless family love. It has the three swirls for me, Shep, and Sara.”

Cole squeezed me tight and hummed an appreciation for the symbols. “What the fuck is that about.” He gestured to my name on the stone. “That is next level crazy. Your name is on a grave. It’s hard for me to look at. Why? How could they do that?”

I lifted one shoulder. “My parents are fucked up. They could not fathom a life where I got older and wouldn’t be with Shep. I think they assumed I’d die alone, and this was their way of keeping us together. Or they’re dicks. Honestly, it’s a tough call.

“They’re the reason I don’t celebrate our birthday. It was a day of mourning in our house. My mother called me on our birthday. She always gets drunk, and calls me to cry about missing Shep, and calls me by his name. My father called right before you came over, to cuss me out for upsetting Mom on his birthday. It’s not the day I was born too—it’s his.”

“I’m so sorry they hurt you,” Cole murmured in my ear.

Hope spread in my chest that he didn’t see me as too damaged.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I never believed you could love me, and I assumed you would discard me like my parents. The grief screwed up the wires in my head. I’m working on my skewed perception of things.”

“You’ve been through so much. Your twin was taken from you, and your parents abandoned you to their grief. They forced their grief on you. No one deserves that.”

I shivered, and Cole held me tighter. I had a lifetime of scars that hadn’t healed yet.

“I love you and I hope you’re my future,” Cole said, his voice breaking with emotion.

“I should tell you the extent of my depression. I was hospitalized the summer after he died. My parents couldn’t bear the pain of seeing Shep’s things around the house, so they threw everything in his room, our room. And if I tried to organize it, they’d freak out. I had to live in the chaos. Not only that, but seeing me reminded them of him, so they often sent me to my room.

“Remember I told you about not going to summer camp and having an epic meltdown. It was going to be my escape, but they were trapping me in the house with his things all summer. I went out to our firepit and started burning his things. It’s how I burned my leg.” I lifted my pant leg to expose my beautiful tattoo that covered my scar.

“You’re so strong.” Cole kissed my head. “I’m so in awe of you.”

“I’m a goddamn mess. I’ve been hospitalized twice, and you know how bad my anxiety gets. I’m on a ridiculous amount of medication. You need to know what you’re getting into with me. I’m not the pretty boy you think I am.” I tried to keep the resentment out of my voice.

“Are you trying to scare me away?” He nuzzled beneath my jacket and bit my neck. “I know exactly why I’m in love with you. I don’t care about your hospitalizations or your medication. The meds aren’t new info. The hospital gave me the rundown when they discharged you. It’s why I went to your apartment. I didn’t give a fuck if you had your computer or clothes. If I had my way, you would have been in my bed naked or wearing my clothes.”

“But I use you to manage my anxiety,” I argued with him because I was an asshole and had to own up to my issues.

---