Page 83 of The Truth of Loving You

“Shep loves your voice. We should record your voice reading so we can play it in the middle of the night.” I was still in awe of our infant despite the fact that he did not sleep at night. “And the waves. Those calm him too. You can read while the tide comes in, and maybe that will lull him back to sleep.”

“Little man takes after his da.” Cole playfully tugged my hair and then caressed Shep’s head.

We decided Cole would be called “Papa,” and I’d be “Da” after my Irish heritage. Daddy was taken, and neither of us wanted our son to call us that.

“Hmmm, I do love listening to you read, and waves are objectively soothing.” We’d bought an oceanfront house on Long Island to honor my brother Shep and complete our dream for a family. “I’d love to stay here all day.” I melted into Cole and the cushions.

We’d converted the sunroom facing the ocean into a library. After reclaiming my life for myself, I’d begun devouring books. Someday, maybe I’d write one, but for now, my focus was on my son and my husband.

Cole linked our fingers on Shep’s naked back. The skin-to-skin contact was important for him. “I was thinking we should’ve saved ourselves the headache of picking out a couch for this room and just put a bed in here.”

“You love this room too, don’t act like you don’t.” I undermined my stern tone by tipping my head up for a kiss.

Cole still made my heart flutter when he kissed me. We’d overcome so much personal trauma to be together and settle into marital and baby bliss. I gave up trying to achieve my twin’s dreams. I started living for myself and Cole.

We were married on a whim after a charity event at The Artistic Edge benefiting the organization we volunteered at, The Q Solutions. Cole had auctioned off some of his paintings to raise money. He’d proposed and all of our family and friends were there, so Alec had officiated the ceremony for us.

The Q Solutions had given us more than we’d ever repay with our volunteer hours.Shep. One of the clients had struggled with what to do about her unwanted pregnancy. After many meetings and sessions with the center’s social worker, she’d asked us to adopt her son. It was the second time I’d seen Cole cry; the third when Shep was placed in his arms. I’d actually suggested we name him Paxton, but Cole didn’t feel comfortable with someday explaining the baby’s namesake. But Shep would know about his uncles, Shep and Paxton, and how their untimely passing brought his dads together.

We’d known we wanted a place in the city, close to work, and the loft wasn’t big enough for a family. I’d suggested we move into the Greenwich apartment to honor Paxton’s dream of a family with Cole. That was the first time I saw Cole cry.

Ultimately, we sold that apartment for a place in Lennox Hill. Paxton had purchased the place in Greenwich for its proximity to Branson Financial. Our place was closer to Unframed Art, and Cole used half of the loft to paint.

I’d converted the other half into my office space. Everything had fallen into place after I’d quit Branson Financial. Whistleblowing on their OFAC violations was the last thing holding me down. I finished Paxton’s work to expose Donald, and he was sentenced to fifteen years in jail. Donald assumed he’d get off with a hefty fine, but the evidence I’d put together with Pax’s help sealed his fate.

When I told Cole I wanted to open a consulting firm to help small businesses operate efficiently, he’d offered me the money he’d made selling Paxton’s shares of Branson Financial. But I’d taken on an acquaintance of Madyson’s husband as a client, and he paid me an exorbitant amount of money.

The client was an asshole, so I charged him an exorbitant fee. He paid without complaint and bragged to his friends how he’d found the best service money could buy. His friends had a competition with each other to obtain the best products and services while simultaneously spending the most money. I opened my consulting firm without using any of my personal resources or Cole’s.

All the heartache and trauma led us to our beach house with a baby.

“I’m so in love with you,” I said.

Cole brushed my hair back from my forehead. “Are you talking to me or our son?” His lips turned up in a smirk.

Our cat yawned and stretched on the back of the couch. His look made it clear that we’d interrupted his nap. We’d named him “Misha” but Cole said we should’ve named him “King” because he ruled the house. Cole scratched his ears, and I angled my head to look at him while I answered his question.

“You and your ego, but I’ll never leave this guy out.” I shifted Shep as he started to fuss.

“My ego has taken a beating. Usually, around 3 a.m. when I can’t keep my eyes open, but the love of our life thinks it’s time to exercise.” He scrubbed his hand over his gorgeous green eyes.

Our pediatrician had told us babies often get days and nights mixed up, and crying is their only form of exercise, so we should let him cry a bit every day.

I struggled with that. Yesterday, I made it five minutes before I picked him up.

“I can try to restore your ego. If Shep will stay asleep when I put him in the crib, I’d love to have some time withmydaddy.” I waggled my eyebrows at him, but it had the opposite effect I’d been going for.

Cole clenched his jaw and raked a hand through his hair.

“You okay, Pretty Boy?” he asked.

I found the words to soothe his concern. “I’m fine. I was reading that new parents need to get in the habit of napping when the baby sleeps to keep up their energy and be at their best for the baby.” I assured him, “But I’m not tired, so I thought we’d take advantage of some alone time.”

We’d been so focused on Shep that I missed the sexual connection with Cole.

The capacity for the human heart to experience love was infinite, and I still couldn’t believe my life. We were living a fairytale life so far from anything I’d been capable of dreaming. Cole had been correct when he’d said our needs were symbiotic, and it had allowed me to relinquish any lingering anxiety and guilt that I wasn’t enough for him. Our deep connection and sense of rightness bled into all aspects of our life.

“In that case,” Cole tugged at the O-ring on my necklace, “I’m all in.”

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