Page 66 of The Truth of Our Past

My fingertips smooth out his brow. I can’t speak because my voice will break, making this harder for him.

“He was my best friend,” he repeats. “We told each other everything.” Von pauses, but I can tell he has more to say.

“Boe lovedfotboll. He didn’t understand why I thought it was a grueling job. Boe thought traveling the world and kicking a ball around for money was stealing. He’d do it for free, but he was getting paid to see the world. His attitude was infectious. Every team tried to buy him because he was a one-man savior of bad morale. He was there for me anytime something went wrong.” Von’s eyes fall closed and I rub circles on his back.

When his eyes reopen, his pain steals my breath. I force my mind to stay focused on what he’s saying and not jump to conclusions. Von rarely speaks, let alone in a monologue, so I pay attention to every single word.

“Unfortunately, I needed him a lot. My first serious boyfriend was a lawyer. He was older and said he wanted to take care of me.” His look acknowledges we have that in common.

“After he moved in, he asked me to put his name on my bank accounts so he could pay the bills while I traveled the world. My agent advised me against it. And when I said no, my boyfriend left and sold stories to the tabloids saying I’d kicked him out, leaving him homeless. That I’d told him to quit his job to manage my career and then dumped him. They fired him from his job.”

Sorrow comes off him in waves and I dread this is leading to a bigger hurt.

“The English tabloid press hounded my entire family and Boe, who’d always been an optimist, became jaded. He told me he was also bi but wouldn’t come out because of all the terrible things the tabloids said about me and my sexuality. I hated that my experience changed him. Before he died, he told me he was thinking of coming out. There was someone in his life that might be worth the risk.” Von buries his head in my neck and whispers his next sentence.

“I’ll never know if the prospect of coming out caused him to kill himself or if it was the thought of losingfotbollor if it was an accident.”

I roll us so I’m on top of him and bury my face in his neck. Von has been an open book, but I don’t think he’s ready for me to witness the full impact of his pain.

Words can’t console him, but I do my best to comfort him. I can’t believe Von’s eyes are dry.

He must read my mind because he says, “I cried an ocean and stopped when I realized he wouldn’t want me to be miserable. He’d kick my ass.”

I bite my tongue, wanting Von to tell me because he wants me to know––not because I asked.

The fixation to be his person hits me hard. I’ve never had a person who was mine before. Didn’t understand what it would mean to be the one someone confides in. I’ve always been a loyal friend, but it’s not the same.

I didn’t know it was missing from my life until this moment. How fiercely I crave it. How hard it’s been for me to trust someone and let them close enough that I’d need something from them.

Want is a fleeting desire. Need is necessary for survival. I thought they were interchangeable. I need Von in my life, and I choke on the fear and consequences of my feelings.

This is not the time for an epiphany.

Von’s thumb sweeps away a tear that has leaked out of my eye. “Tonight was hard,” he confesses, and I wait for him to decide if this thing between us is important enough for him to tell me more.

Chapter twenty-nine

Von

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Alec’s glassy eyes blink, full of empathy and patience. They also have unasked questions, and I wonder if he’s nervous I won’t tell him.

I’ve never told anyone the whole story. Lars knows part of it, and I ran away from the rest. I shielded my parents and protected myself.

It was easy to tell Alec he wasn’t responsible for someone else’s choices and that he wasn’t responsible for his ex’s overdose. Theburden isnoteasy, knowing the weight of it could kill you and be incapable of setting it down.

Alec reminds me of Boe. Charming and full of life. Being around Alec put the pain in the background. My personal sunshine. That’s why I tried to avoid him in the beginning—being sun-deprived, I was terrified of getting burned.

Alec is a lifeline. He sauntered into my life with a smirk, dimples, and an I-dare-you-to-not-like-me attitude. I more than like him.

The desire to share this part of myself with him overcomes me.

“Boe tore his ACL and didn’t tell anyone. You are generally out for the season with an ACL tear and his team was at the top of the points for the Premier League. They only had a few games left, and he was determined to help his team win.” Alec’s brow furrows, so I explain. “There aren’t playoffs in a regular season. You win the league with the most points. Three points for a win, one for a draw, and none for a loss. There are 380 games a year.”

Alec whistles with wide eyes. “Fuck, that’s no joke.”

“Boe told me he tweaked his knee and had to wrap it and take some painkillers. I was playing on a different team and thought nothing of it. We get hurt all the time and push through. No one wants to be the guy who can’t take a little pain.”

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