Page 91 of The Truth of Our Past

Von’s head swivels toward the garage trying to see the progress I’ve made through the walls. His ice-blue eyes return to me. “Go on.” He’s emotionless.

“I’ve always taken care of my friends. A part of me thought that if I didn’t have something to give them, they wouldn’t want me around. It’s a product of being a throwaway kid. When my parents disowned me and actively dislike me, it’s hard to trustthat other people like me for me. It’s been a revelation how much my friends care and what they’re willing to do to help me.” I watch Von’s forehead vein grow but continue.

“Cole gave me space to figure myself out while Shane gave me life-changing advice. Madyson isn’t going to rent your space out to anyone else for a year. I didn’t even have to ask for their help. They were there for me. Cole told me not to come back until I’m ready or Sweden throws me out and made me sign a partnership agreement for Unframed Art.”

Von’s hand twitches as if he wants to reach for me, but he doesn’t. I keep quiet for a minute in case he wants to talk. His forehead vein is pulsing and I wish I could smooth it out for him.

“You have no idea how overwhelming it is to realize that my friends love me. And I don’t have to be anything other than myself. My insecurities told me that I have nothing to offer you, so you couldn’t possibly love me. I believed that to be true, and it took being out here in the middle of nowhere to have the epiphany that my insecurities lied. Too little too late for us.” I swallow hard as Von’s hands flex, almost forming fists, but not quite. I can’t tell if he’s angry or upset. His face gives nothing away. But I can’t give up yet.

“I only saw our relationship from my side, I had very unrealistic expectations coming here, thinking I could apologize and you’d forgive me. I pictured a movie version where you’d see me, open your arms, and I’d run and jump into them. We’d kiss, and I’d say I’m sorry, and you’d say you forgive me, and we’d live happily ever after in my version of our life in New York. Again, I failed to consider what kind of life you want.”

Von’s head jerks. I would give anything for him to say something, but when he doesn’t, I continue.

If this is the end, I’m going to tell him everything and leave without regret, knowing that I gave him my whole heart without reservation or conditions.

“Shane said something I can’t get out of my head.” I hope it sounds as profound to him as it did to me.

“None of us get out of life alive and if we don’t get our heart broken, it means we never loved anyone.” I remind myself to breathe.

“That has sort of consumed my thoughts. I’m already heartbroken without you, so it can’t be worse to be heartbrokenwithyou. If I try and we don’t work out, it’s not going to hurt more. In fact, trying to love you will make it hurt less.

“I had tunnel vision on heartbreak, thinking it could only occur when you left me or cheated on me. But there are a million ways to break someone’s heart: if I deny my feelings for you, or refuse to try in our relationship, or auction off your symbol of love for me.”

Von’s jaw tightens and his forehead vein is ready to explode it’s so big. But he remains mute, and in the oppressive silence, I push on, hoping he’ll eventually have something to say.

“If you’d done those things to me, the damage would be irrevocable. Mortal wounds that wouldn’t heal. I don’t have theright to ask for your forgiveness. So I decided to help you have a better life. Hans said it’s hard to hire workers who won’t sell your story to tabloids. I pretended to leave the country so that you’ll never have to wonder if I’m here for my fifteen minutes of fame.”

That noncommittal hum is back and I press on, handing him my heart, hoping he doesn’t discard it.

“None of us can choose how and when we get our hearts broken, but we can choose who we give the chance to break it. And I choose you, Viking. I don’t know if you’ll break my heart now, in five years, or in fifty years, but I want every single minute you’ll allow me in your life. Loving you has changed me for the better. And being loved by you is a gift and a privilege. I needyouto breakmyheart.

“I need it because I realized the alternative is for me to break your heart. Again. And I can’t bear the thought of that. I can’t live in a world where I’ve broken your heart and not done everything in my power to unbreak it. My heart belongs to you.

“I love you.”

Von leans in slowly, so we’re closer than we were before. His eyes, a storming ocean of emotion I can’t name. I tamp down the urge to beg, allowing him the opportunity to respond. We will only work if he can still love me after what I’ve done. Not because I begged.

His fingers graze my cheek before his palm cups my jaw. My desperation to read his thoughts is blocking me from being able to do it.

His voice is a low murmur of Swedish and I only catch a few words, heart, eternity, and mine. But his tone is sorrowful. I memorize the touch of his hands on my face and the smell of him, in case this is the last time I’m near him.

Von doesn’t stop talking and it might be the most he’s ever said to me.

And I don’t know what’s happening.

Is he forgiving me or telling me it’s over?

With fierce eyes, a soft touch, and a pained voice, it’s impossible to tell.

It’s agony not knowing, but I’ll endure it to the end of time if it means I’ll never have to let him go.

I’m too afraid of what happens after he stops talking.

I lied, saying I’m not asking for his forgiveness. I’m asking with every cell in my heart and soul. My body is begging him to hold me again. I truly don’t know how I’ll leave the barn if we don’t have a chance.

A chance I don’t deserve because it’s one I didn’t give him. It’s selfish and egotistical to want him to give me a chance that I denied him.

Von pulls me into a hug, and I melt into him, wishing I could meld my body to his. Inexplicably, I fantasize magical welding tools soldering an unbreakable bond between us.

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