Page 16 of The Truth of Our Secrets

“You can tell me anything. I’m never going to stop loving you.” I promise.

“You can’t be sure,” she whispers.

“Trust me,” I beg, willing to do whatever it takes to erase tonight and start again.

To be better. Stronger.

Madyson

The scope of it starts long before the night it happened. The backstory of how terrible my parents were is only partially relevant. Jayce doesn’t like them and we don’t have a relationship, so I decide to skip that part.

“I went to a party. I didn’t have many friends, but a boy invited me.” Jayce stiffens behind me but stays silent. “I knew he liked me because I’d gained a reputation. The boys competed with fake stories about having sex with me.” I shudder, shaking off my past stupidity.

“I figured I could hang out, drink for free, and leave before the guy expected me to do anything with him. Classic dumb girl. I’m uncertain if I drank too much, or he spiked my drink, but I got tipsy fast.” Jayce inhales sharply and I’m so glad he’s behind me, so I can’t see his expression. This is hard enough to say.

“I woke up half undressed with his hands and mouth on me.” Swallowing hard, I continue, “I froze. My brain snagged and couldn’t get past an internal freak-out.” My breath hitches and the tears start again.

“I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t even move. I was terrified of what would happen if he knew I’d woken up.” Jayce’s mouth opens against my neck, but I squeeze his arm. This story is now or never.

“Right before total panic set in, Alec found me. He threw the guy off me, redressed me, and carried me out to his car. I pretended to be passed out the entire time. He doesn’t think I know what happened.” My stomach heaves, but Jayce’s strong embrace settles me.

“How come you didn’t tell me?” he asks softly.

“You can’t change the past and even after all these years, I can’t admit I was a victim. Another statistic of a stupid girl putting herself in a sketchy situation and paying the price. It was my fault.”

“No!” Jayce buries his face in my hair, his grip as tight as a python. “It’s not your fault some piece of shit assaulted you. Consent isn’t negotiable. It’s either given or not. You obviously weren’t in any condition to give it. Fuck.” He loosens his grip so it’s easier to breathe.

“Thinking it was my fault wasn’t the worst part. It proved my parents were partially right about me. I’m weak. I didn’t fight back or tell him no.”

My voice shakes. “I thought I was a fighter. I’ve been told my entire life that I’m a fiery redhead, a spitfire. But when it was important, I just lay there like a coward. Afraid. Too scared to call for help. My parents lectured me about being weak in the eyes of God and in the sins of the flesh. I hated they were right. That I wouldn’t even defend my body when taken against my will.”

“I want to kill that guy for making you doubt yourself.” Jayce’s fury comforts me. “You did what you needed to do to survive. Like you said, he could’ve hurt you worse, and you protected yourself. There’s no shame in that. And fuck your parents. They’re assholes.” That’s a huge understatement.

“Alec told the guy if he ever touched me again, he’d kill him,” I say, and Jayce lets out a humorless laugh. “And a couple weekslater, the guy was beat up so bad he had permanent damage to his arm and couldn’t play sports anymore.”

“He deserved worse.”

“I’ve always wondered if it was Alec.” I pick invisible lint off the comforter. “But there was a rumor that he slept with another girl. A ninth grader.”

“Did he touch you again?” he asks, and I shake my head. “Then it probably wasn’t Alec, but some other guy who loved a girl he hurt.”

“Probably,” I concede. Alec was with me the night it happened.

“But the point is, I owe Alec. That guy could’ve…” I trail off, refusing to think about it. “Alec pretended to be my boyfriend so guys would leave me alone. He was the psycho outcast, hockey player, and no one wanted to fight him. I’ve been trying to pay him back ever since.”

Jayce rolls me on top of him. Usually, he’d roll me under him, but I appreciate the illusion of being in control tonight. “I thought you were in love with him,” he admits.

“It’s not like that with us. He’s literally like my brother. He’s a better brother than my blood brother who never stood up for me to my parents. I told you this.” I rest my chin on my hand below his breastbone so we have eye contact.

“You told me you love him. Remember the night you called me at one a.m. to pick you up at the bar? You were out of your mind, drunk. You said you wanted a guy, but he was off-limits. He could never know how you felt. I assumed it was Alec.”

“I’m so embarrassed I did that. It wasn’t about Alec. I hardly knew you. You should’ve ignored my call.” My face heats with the memory.

Telling him Emmet is that guy would not make this better. That at the time it seemed impossible, but Emmet’s meant to be in my life. I explained away my initial feelings as he’s a person I could trust. And his gentle, caring soul made me believe not all men would hurt me. Now I’m certain beyond anything rational or reasonable that Emmet belongs in our lives. With us.

But I won’t force them together. If my estrangement from Alec has taught me anything, it’s that people need to make the choice for themselves. But maybe I can give fate a helping hand.

Jayce runs his fingers through my hair. “I couldn’t ignore you. From the moment we met at your school, I was hooked.”

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