Page 48 of The Truth of Our Secrets

“We’re not sure he’s into that.”

“Right, but we need to figure out if being with him is right for us. He specifically said, ‘Get back to me when you decide.’ We need to think about it as a possibility.” I’ve never forced Jayce to face situations he’s not ready for, but he will use his indecision to avoid the subject of Emmet. Then he’ll blame Emmet for not choosing us when it’s our job to decide first.

I turn in his lap, cradling his face. “If you don’t want him in our lives, I’ll drop the subject.” He opens his mouth, but I cut him off. “But who else in your life do you trust with helping you through your panic? You usually get aggressive and drive people away so they don’t see what’s happening. So before you answer, tell me what happened with Britt.”

“I was losing my shit when Emmet walked in and I barked at him,” he admits.

“But he didn’t leave?” I prod.

“No, he came right into your office as if he owns the place.” He lifts an eyebrow in question.

“He’s never been inside the gallery.” I run my hand up his arm.

“But he’s been there before?”

“When you were out of town, he came to the gallery to make sure I got home okay. He waited for me outside and walked me home. He never touched me or came inside either place.” I wave my hand to indicate our apartment.

“And he’s the guy from your past who was off-limits, it was him?”

My face cringes before I can stop it. I’m afraid of his jealousy, but if I want the truth from him, I have to be honest.

“Yes, but he was my student and too young. I never crossed that line, and I never would have.” There was a huge power imbalance, and he was emotionally unstable. I was trying to figure things out and wasn’t in a place to be what he needed. “But it’s different for you.”

Jayce sighs into my hair and holds me tight as if I might slip away. “It’s his smell.” His admission is rough and reluctant. “It calmed me and turned off my panic. I was more focused on him than the fear. When he leaned in, touching me to read the press release, the fear vanished.”

I straddle him, smoothing out his frown lines. “Don’t ever feel bad about where your comfort comes from. I’ll never shame you for that. If I had told people that an eighteen-year-old student freed me from my fears when I was his teacher, the backlash would’ve been horrible. Don’t you see?” I ask and his cloudy blue eyes don’t see the truth.

“No one, not even me, has ever in your life, reached that fear and made it go away.” I can tell he wants to argue, but I keep talking. “I help ease it and can bring you back from the worst of it. But I’ve never made it disappear. He did.” I get up from his lap.

“So before you tell me you don’t want him in our lives, think about what you’re giving up. You’ll remove the one person who’s ever truly diminished your fear. Really think about that. I’m going to make dinner.”

Jayce

There’s an excellent chance that I’ll lose them both. If I tell her I want Emmet in our lives, he’ll eventually tell her what I did. If I ask her to let him go, she’ll accept it but resent me forever.

With my hands clasped behind my neck, my head hangs between my knees. I’m glad she’s facing the stove and can’t see me.

I’m fucked either way. If I lose Madyson, I’ll lose my mind.

Love shouldn’t be toxic or based on threats and coercion. My mother tried her best but had three kids to feed and a psychotic ex. Love was a luxury. She spent all her time in survival mode.

My father knew how to hit and not leave marks. Worse, his words left permanent scars.

Madyson opened my eyes to how I’d fallen into a relationship with Peter as toxic as the one with my father. Tragic because I chose Peter.

She’s my heart and soul. And everything she said is correct. I’m attracted to Emmet. More than I want to be. When he’s near me, the smart part of my brain shuts down and primal urges take over.

Smart decisions are impossible. My brain solely focuses on fucking.

My desire for Madyson is red hot, but Emmet is an entirely new level. When I think of never seeing him again, something in me revolts. Rage builds in me at thinking of him with someone else.

I can’t deny that.

I must find out what happened before he was photographed covered in blood and handcuffed in the back of a cop car. He’d have been in an ambulance if it was his blood. The instinct to protect my secrets is strong, but Madyson’s safety comes first. Always.

Neither of us brings it up again until we’re in bed and I’m wrapped around her.

“I need rules,” I whisper in the dark.

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