Page 22 of Misconduct Zone

Lars’s exhale fans my cheek. “Sit up,” he demands, and I immediately do as he asks, even though it’s the last thing I want. “Dylon, I’ve been your friend for a few years, and you have never had an interest in men. It’s a real thing to recognize that in another person. This is new for you, and you should take your time to figure it out.”

“But we’re not new,” I insist petulantly.

“I would never add another burden on top of your goals to stay sober and play hockey. Once you made the commitment, you worked your program and have not faltered. This is your time to become your best self, and I am selfish for not leaving your room tonight.” He runs his hand through his hair.

There’s a pang of guilt because I’ve never told him about the temptation and cravings. That would be the opposite of helpful here.

“You’ve been my rock, and I want you to be more.” I reach out to hold his hand, and when he laces our fingers together, they fit perfectly.

“You’re not out of the first year of your program. It’s not recommended you start a relationship yet,” he argues.

“I’m only forty-three days short, and if you tell me to wait those days until we can kiss again, I’m going to beat your ass,” I argue back. Of course Larsknows the protocol of the program and presumably the days of my sobriety. He requested duplicate copies of the literature and researched everything online, as if he was going to become an addiction counselor.

His eyes burn my lips right before he kisses me, taking all the air from my lungs. I drown in him, not needing air as long as he’s here to breathe for me.

“I am too selfish to stop kissing you. Not unless you ask me to,” he says as he continues to kiss me. “But.” He retreats and I chase his lips. “We need to take this slow.”

As I’m about to protest, he says, “For our friendship and the team. I will not risk losing what we have, so that means being clear and intentional. And we cannot let our personal life onto the ice or in the locker room.”

“Do I get a say in this?” He’s so sure, but if we’re doing this, he can’t dictate the terms of our relationship. “Don’t make me feel less than you because I have issues. That’s not fair.”

His eyes soften, and he presses his firm lips to mine in our first chaste kiss, causing the hair on my nape to stand up.

“You’re right. But I want you to be sure this is right for you.” He searches my eyes for uncertainty. He won’t find any.

“Fair,” I concede, only so he’ll listen. “But for this to work, it has to be a partnership. Otherwise, there will be a power imbalance, and I’ll always be trying to prove my worthiness to you.”

The rest of what I’m about to say is cut off as Lars attacks my mouth with a growl. “You are worthy of everything. Don’t doubt that.”

“Noted,” I say breathlessly. “First of all, you will never be a burden. Friends, lovers, more, it doesn’t matter. You lift me up, and I don’t think you’re capable of weighing me down. It’s not who you are.” I cup his jaw and relish his stubble under my thumb as I stroke his face.

“And you make me a better person. You showed me a different life than I’m used to. I never knew how ingrained drinking was in my everyday life. It’s what my family does, work all day and come home and relax with alcohol. Yoga and meditation were for other people, not me because I can’t sit still. You showed meI can and drinking isn’t relaxing.” It’s so hard to unlearn bad habits. I thought everyone had a few drinks daily.

“I would do anything for you.” His arms sneak underneath me, and he binds me in a reassuring hug.

“I know. You make me want to be the best version of myself. A version that can have fun and play pro hockey and not drink so when I wake up in the morning, I’m ready to tackle the day. To do all that for you.”

Lars murmurs in Swedish, and his face burrows into my neck. “Do not aim too high as to be a morning person.” He becomes serious. “Be that person for you. You deserve the best, with or without me. I cannot be the reason. What if something happens to me? You must do it for you.”

“Nothing will happen to you,” I say with surety, yet unease slithers along my spine.

“None of us knows the future. I could live to be a hundred or have a life-changing injury tomorrow. The people you signed up for the WCHL, most of them were not born unable to walk. It happens.”

“I would take care of you like you’ve been taking care of me.” I hold his head tighter.

“I know,käraste, but you must care for yourself too. Never forget that.”

I love the nickname, and even though I don’t know what it means, my breathing slows, soothing my doubts as we lie in silence.

Before Lars, I could never sit in a room with another person and not fill the void with mindless words. To me, silence was the equivalent of rejection and had to be attacked and eradicated. Which usually meant I would do all the talking and no listening.

“Are you willing to give us a try?” I whisper into his hair with my eyes screwed shut.

“Yes, but—”

“No buts. ‘Yes’ is a complete sentence.” Lars huffs because he often tells me “No” is a complete sentence.

“We cannot go from friends into a serious relationship after our first kiss.”

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