Page 38 of Misconduct Zone

Me: Can we talk? As friends and former teammates. Not in your job capacity

Jayce: When?

Me: Whenever you are free

Jayce: Carmine’s Café in 20?

Me: See you there

Iexhale with relief but with a new set of nerves. I text Dylon that I’m meeting Jayce and I’ll be back after he gets home. He might worry if I’m not there. We are rarely apart except when he meets with his sponsor.

Jayce has been a great friend and gives solid advice. He greets me with a half hug and thump on the back.

We order and he doesn’t ask, but his face is expectant.

“Do you ever think you have everything you want, but it’s only temporary?” I get to the point, skipping the small talk.

Jayce folds his hands on the table and looks me dead in the eye. “Everygoddam day of my life.”

“Skit.” I run my hand through my hair. I am not sure if his admission makes the situation better because I’m not alone or worse because it’s clear Madyson and Emmet are devoted to him.

“Exactly.” He sips his water. “Is this about Dylon?”

My mouth flops open, and my brain scatters, trying to find words to backtrack. I cannot out Dylon.

“Listen, this is between us, and I’m not asking you to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. But I was there the night he overdosed. I witnessed your terror of losing him and your dedication to helping him get better. It could be a best friend thing, or it could be more.” He shrugs, and his gaze swings around the restaurant.

“Let’s say there are two professional football players on a team in a relationship. That team is light years ahead of others in terms of queer acceptance. Tell me what you imagine would make one of these players nervous about things.” His hands make an all-encompassing motion.

My head bobbles of its own volition, and I put my thoughts in order. It’s easier to speak in hypothetical terms.

“One player kept his feelings locked down, thinking they were inappropriate. His friend was not in a position to start a relationship and identified as straight. The second player is figuring things out and has an enthusiastic approach to new things. He believes the first player is what he wants.” I swallow hard and wipe my hands on my jeans.

“And player one doesn’t think he’s what the other guy wants?” he clarifies.

I release a breath. “He is not sure and feels guilty that it is too soon, not yet a year after.” I don’t state the obvious for Jayce. “Player one is concerned about his recovery. He thinks they are moving too fast and once the other guy has time to reflect, he’ll change his mind.”

“It has to be close to a year, and he’s a grown man. He’s been in relationships in the past, and you can’t treat him like a child. He’s more than one incident,” Jayce says empathetically.

“I know.” The fear of losing him twists my insides. “How do you deal with the feeling?”

The server drops off our coffees, and Jayce contemplates my question.

“I remind myself they love me and choose to be with me. You don’t know all the details, but I lied to both of them, and forgiving myself has been difficult. They’ve forgiven me, and if I don’t get over it, I’ll damage our relationship. My advice is to focus on being the best version of yourself and don’t overthink. You’re creating problems based on perceived issues.” Jayce gives me a sympathetic look.

“Right. If only doing it were easy.” I push away the cup of coffee.

“For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for you guys. I’m not an expert, but I’m happy to listen when you need to talk.”

Our conversation solves nothing, but it eases my mind.

Dylon’s in the kitchen when I get home. “Sugar.” He rushes around the island to kiss me. “How was your day, dear?”

“Are we living in a sitcom with these nicknames?” I could get used to coming home to his kisses and terms of endearment.

“Awww, Sugar, honey, honey,” he sings, and I recognize the tune. “There’s something I need to talk to you about, but hold on a second.” The kitchen is an explosion of ingredients.

“Are you trying to bribe me?” I ask, unsure if I should be nervous or happy.

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