Page 67 of Misconduct Zone

“No.” I choose my words carefully. “Not that you purposely said things you don’t mean, but it’s easy to let the endorphins override our thoughts.”

“I have never said anything to you I do not mean. Not as a friend, a teammate, or a lover. Never.” The storm clouds surge in his eyes as if they’re capable of sweeping me away.

“Okay,” I say lamely, trying to catalog every word I dismissed as too good to be true and bring them back to me. To give me the courage to say what’s in my heart.

To surrender even if he rejects me.

Lars sputters a bunch of Swedish words.

“That doesn’t sound like dirty talk.” My voice breaks instead of sounding breezy.

“Fine. In English.” He steels his spine. “You are a goddamn idiot. I have done everything in my power to show you with my actions and my words, but you do not see it. I have done my best not to overwhelm you with my feelings, but you still ran away. I chose you, and you chose to push me away.”

As he speaks, I formulate responses, but I’m stuck on him choosing me. He chose me? My mouth asks a different question. “I’m an idiot?” It’s not that I don’t agree, but I’d like some clarification.

Lars sighs and stifles a yawn. “I told my therapist my feelings for you are so strong and I’m afraid of repeating past mistakes. I worry about my ability to recover if I lose you, and playing hockey would be impossible.” His eyes droop closed. This is more activity and talking than he’s had in almost a week.

“You won’t lose me,” I promise.

“You cannot promise that. The world is cruel and terrible things happen. Some we bring upon ourselves, but many are out of our control. And you ran away from me as soon as you had doubts. How do I know you will not do it again?” he asks, opening his cloudy blue eyes.

“You’re right, but I will not willingly walk away. Where does this leave us?” I’m terrified of his answer.

“Your lie devastated me, but you’re right, it was a lie of omission, not blatant. I can forgive you, but it cannot happen again.” His tone softens. “I am impressed by your strength and resilience in overcoming a dysfunctional family and addiction. You’re an inspiration.” He holds up his hand when I try to speak.

“I carried the weight of secrets for too long, and the guilt consumed me. Secrets and partial truths cannot continue, and I won’t tolerate them.” Despite his words, Lars reaches for me, and I embrace him, breathing a sigh of relief. “I want you and will not give up, but promise you will talk to me when you are having doubts or a problem.”

“I acted like a total asshole, selfish and self-absorbed. I knew running from you and testing myself wasn’t right, and I doubled down on my bad decisions instead of apologizing. My brain went into flight mode, and I let my negative thoughts hijack me rather than man up and face you,” I say, and his understanding expression makes me brave enough to say the things that could change our relationship forever.

“It eats me up that I hurt you and let you down. You avoided me for two days, and I’ve never been so lonely. If I were you, I’d hate me for ignoring you when you didn’t know if I was okay or not. Using my sponsor as an excuse was a shitty thing to do. I’m so sorry I put you through that. I swear on my skates that I will never do something like that again.” He huffs and tangles his legs with mine.

“But the real truth is that I’m a swan.” I summon my courage. “Swans mate for life in bonded pairs. It’s common for black swans to have male-male pairings. They build nests together and are territorial and aggressive in protecting their breeding territory.”

Lars raises an eyebrow.

“All this time, we’ve been courting and building our nest, and I was a fool to let my insecurities blind me to our pairing. To our lifelong bonding. I hope you’re my swan.” Looking into his eyes, I’ve never been more certain of my heart.

Lars tries to pull me into a hug, about to speak, but I need to say those three words first.

“Lars, I love you.”

Chapter 34

Lars

Those words careen around my head, sending me skyrocketing to the heavens. Happiness and joy are a part of the buoyancy lifting my spirit, but it’s so much more. My body might burst trying to contain the love, but then I let go and soar.

Dylon loves me.

His eyes shimmer with the truth of his love.

All my fear and panic fade into the background. He is not perfect, and there is more to work out but we will. We will have a lifetime to figure out the best way to love each other.

Lunging forward, I cradle his face. “I love you with all that I am.” My lips hover over his, but then I release him and cover my mouth. “I cannot get you sick.”

“Sugar.” He removes my hand and crashes our lips together. “I told you,” he says into my mouth, “at this point, you’re not getting me sick, and I’m not letting you go.”

I crawl into his lap, craving his touch and attention. My heart fills and overflows.

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