Page 85 of Penalty Zone

The thought of going back to my empty apartment alone guts me. I’ve lived alone for well over a decade, but last night my apartment was desolate and depressing. Caleb makes everything brighter and alive.

I bring up my contacts and realize I haven’t made friends outside the team. At first, I split my time between Montreal and New York with my focus on Mason. Then my focus was on Caleb. As I scroll, I stop on a former teammate, Derek, who moved to New York.

I send him a text to see what he’s doing. Can’t be worse than spending the night alone.

The outing definitely keeps me busy as I end up chasing three kids, ages seven, nine, and ten, through a maze of a two-story play area with my former teammate.

Caleb

Everything hurts from missing Leo. It’s physical and emotional, but I’m determined to do the right thing for him. I don’t know how I’ll get out of bed, let alone live in a world separate from him.

At least the bed is comfortable with soft sheets and firm pillows. I’ve got the duvet pulled up to my neck. It’s not terrible. The hotel has a small shop with a few food items I bought: sports drinks, water, ramen, and protein bars. The TV keeps me company as I stare at the screenshot of Leo’s text messages telling me he loves me and he misses me.

The half of a protein bar I ate earlier sits in my stomach like a rock. I should get healthier food, but it’s so much work.

My phone rings and I jump, tossing it in the air so it lands on the floor next to the bed. The decision whether to pick up my phone or not seems monumental. It stops ringing, and I sigh with relief, but it rings again.

My arm is long enough to snake out from the covers and snatch it up. Oh no.

“Hi, Mom.”

“What’s wrong? Your energy is so off I can feel it from Vermont,” she says as if every mother does this to her child.

“I’m fine. Recovering from a tough practice,” I lie.

She harrumphs, clearly not believing me. “Do you want me to guess what kind of crystals to use and healing energy to send, or are you going to tell me? If I had to guess, this has to do with Leo. What did you do?”

“W-w-what did I do?” I sputter.

“Little Bear, that man loves you, and you can’t get out of your own way to see it.” She drops that bomb, and my head goes static-y.

“Mason hates me,” I confess.

“Oooh,” she says, understanding the situation. “He’ll get over it.”

“You didn’t see him. Leo can’t be with me if it costs him his relationship with Mason.” The truth hollows out my chest, leaving a gaping black hole and self-hate.

“Did Leo say that?” When I don’t answer, she offers more mom advice. “Leo is a grown man, and if you take away his ability to make decisions for himself, you’re not the right man for him. He gets to decide how to navigate his relationships with you and his son.”

“I’m doing what’s best for him,” I cry indignantly.

“Or are you deciding for him because you’re afraid of the future?”

“Mom.” I throw my arm over my eyes.

“I’ll do work on my end, but you have to do your work as well.” She clicks off the line.

Only my mother would tell me I’m not right for Leo in the middle of my heartbreak. One time, I’d like her to say “He’d be a fool to let you go.” Or “You’re better off without him.” My mother should be on my side, dammit.

I turn up the volume on the TV and try to sleep. But after hours of tossing and turning, I give up. We haven’t been together that long, but I already miss the weight of his body on mine. I hate knowing I won’t wake up to him kissing my neck or bringing me tea in bed.

They say time heals all wounds, but right now, that sounds like bullshit. I’m not crying, I’m exhausted and frustrated, so my eyes are watering. The lies I tell myself keep piling up.

I do what any self-respecting guy does when his heart shatters—I stalk Leo’s social media to see his pictures.

Leo

I know I’m putting off the inevitable sitting in the conference room instead of facing Caleb. Fighting for a relationship is hard, but I can’t fight for something he doesn’t want.

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