Page 40 of First Verse

She smiles brightly and removes her phone from the tripod. “Sure thing. Are you going to the show, Wilder?”

I start to shake my head but pause. If everyone leaves, I’ll be here alone with nothing to distract me from the craving beating in my blood. I have no idea where Kendra is—she stays away during my detox—but she’s the last person I can talk to about this, anyway. The last person who would tell menotto take a pill… or three. Much more likely, she’d crush them up and snort a line, then offer me the straw.

“Yes,” Jax answers with a quick glance at me. “He’s coming.”

I cock an eyebrow in his direction but don’t object. Do I want to see Evangeline? More than I want my next breath. But that doesn’t mean seeing her is a good idea, especially not in my current state. My impulse control is hanging by a thread. If I see her fingers on a guitar, hear her sing, I’m probably going to do something stupid like weasel my way backstage and use my effect on her to get under her clothes.

Blood flows south at the thought, and I suddenly can’t remember why that’s a bad idea.

The social media woman claps her hands in excitement, shattering my daydream about Evangeline’s tits in my mouth.

“Awesome! I’ve been wanting to see Glow, so this is perfect!” Leaving the tripod, she runs up the basement stairs.

Jax sighs. “Mae is a lot.”

“That’s her name?”

He snorts, then grabs the remote to turn off the TV. Sensing that I’m about to get lectured, I sigh and face him.

“Look, Jax, I’m sorry I worried you?—”

“Let’s do a dry-thirty. You and me. No booze, no drugs for a month. Gym, vitamins, the whole nine.”

I stare at him, floored, as the words cycle through me and incite an uncomfortable blend of fear and yearning.

The last time I was sober for that long was after Evangeline left the band. I don’t even remember why I did it, though it probably had something to do with the shame of all the fucked-up shit I did on tour and what happened after. I’m sure some part of me also thought if I could show her I was changing, she’d come back.

She blocked my number instead, and I got blackout drunk the night I realized it.

“It’ll be good,” Jax continues. “We’ll reset our systems before the tour.”

Without thinking, I say, “I don’t know if I can go that long,” then immediately wish I could take the words back. They make it sound like I’m admitting…

I can’t even finish the thought.

Jax grabs my shoulder, his expression determined. “It’s going to suck for me, too. I don’t think I’ve gone more than a few days without weed for—shit, probably two years. Point is, we’ll be miserable together. But then we’ll be jacked from all the gym time and so healthy our piss smells like lettuce.”

A reluctant smile pulls at my lips.

“Is that a yes?” he asks, grinning.

Yearning briefly eclipses fear, and my chin jerks down.

He squeezes my shoulder, then stands. “Come on. We have time to clear out our stashes and tell Eddie and Zander to lock their shit up.”

Just as fast, fear rises again, this time a monster with fangs dripping venom. Panic curls through me, accelerating my pulse. I stand, locking my knees when they wobble. The urge to take a pill hits me so hard my vision tunnels.

“Jax.” My voice is strangled.

He turns at the base of the stairs, his expression swiftly shifting from questioning to concerned.

I open my mouth, close it, and finally force out the words that don’t want to come. “I need your help getting rid of the pills. Like you’re going to have to do it because I don’t… I don’t think I can.”

His expression softens in understanding. “You got it.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, pushing back against the pressure inside me. “One more thing. The Oxy… Kendra gets it for me.”

He stares at me for several seconds, processing, then blows out a heavy breath. “A lot of shit about your relationship suddenly makes sense.” He pauses. “Do you love her?”

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