Page 18 of What I Should Have Felt

The one thing I loved about having no issue waking early was how peaceful and still everything was just before the sun woke every sleeping creature. Throwing a leg over, I kick-started the motorcycle and took off.

The roads were empty as I cruised through town. It had yet to rise from its slumber. Small towns were like that. Something I absolutely adored because, in this moment, as the bike’s engine rumbled beneath me, I was free of every burden that consumed even my nightmares.

I’d been surprised that the Harley I’d rebuilt with my dad still worked when I dragged it out of the shed yesterday. But I was grateful for it. and as the wind bit at my cheeks, I twisted the throttle a little more.

My pawpaw would hold the answers I was looking for.

Turning off the road, I slowed as the cemetery entrance came into view. Gravestones littered the clear and beautifully manicured lawn. He’d passed away when I was just a kid, and I’m pretty sure his family was the reason that we had this shitty rivalry with the LeBlancs in the first place. Whichmeant he’d never had the chance to share with me why. I also doubted my mawmaw ever really understood it either.

Cruising beneath the arch that readWillow Roux Cemetery, I wove through the narrow one-way paved roads and pulled off to the side. The engine died just as the sun broke the horizon.

The last time I’d been to a cemetery was Duncan’s funeral. Tears made my nose tingle as I bit back the grief. He never had the chance to go home like I had. A part of me still argued how that was fair. Was I grateful? Yes. But of everyone who should’ve made it home, it should’ve been him and not me. I’d given that idea up when I’d left the first time.

At least most of the gravestones weren’t white, but that failed to provide me any reprieve. Closing my eyes, I turned my face toward the warm, rising sun. I wouldn’t waste this chance; it had been far too long since I’d visited my pawpaw. Even if I came without flowers or a bottle of whiskey, at least I was here.

Right?

I swung off the motorcycle, leaving my rucksack and duffel with the bike, then wandered between a row of gravestones. Some were older, and I recognized them despite the faded inscriptions. But other ones were newer, sharper.

I moseyed along, taking time to at least read the names of who had become companions with my pawpaw since I’d left. My feet jerked to a halt as my eyes slid across a photograph embedded into a headstone. I would always know Colette when I saw her, whether in person or an image printed on stone.

About facing, I squatted down. There she was, smiling brightly, wearing a beautiful white dress with her hand resting on the chest of the very man I’d seen her walking with that day I visited.

His eyes were bright and sharp, blue as the sky, with plain brown hair. Nothing about him screamed unique, but he wasn’t ugly either. He was a simple man, it seemed, and clearly everything to her. But as I scanned the date, my stomach dropped to my toes, and I fell to my knees.

Six months?Liam Hamilton. The man who had won Colette’s heart and hand had died only six months after I last visited. She hadn’t been protected all these years. She hadn’t been safe like I’d imagined.

I’d failed her, and she’d been alone all this time.

If only I’d kept better tabs on her.

I closed my eyes and tipped my head back. “Of course,” I muttered. Just like I’d expected, my pawpaw had held some answers. Not everything, but he at least provided me with clarity.

I wouldn’t repeat that mistake. She wasn’t going to have to be alone anymore. Whatever it took, I would win her heart again and give her the life that she deserved. No longer about closure, it was my turn to protect her.

Not just for her sake, but to honor Liam. I was grateful for him taking care of her, for however little time it may have been. At least for a moment in these past fifteen years, she’d found happiness.

Rising from the ground, I nodded once at Liam’s headstone. It was time to go get my girl. Time to let go of the past. Time to rebuild trust with her, no matter what it took.

Back in my hiding spot within the shadows of the forest, I waited as my amazing parents, who deserved nothing of the woes and heartbreak I’d given them, hobbled out the front door. With a wave, they bid my mawmaw goodbye for the day.

I tipped my head, a little confused. She always went with them to the restaurant. It was more her baby than theirs, and in all the years I’d grown up in the same house with all of them, she’d never missed a day of work.

Maybe she felt comfortable taking a day because O’Connor had backed off for the time being. But something in my gut said that was a load of bullshit. It was a temporary state of affairs, because once he found out who I was, and what I was capable of, I knew violence would rain like hell upon my family and their damn restaurant.

Once my parents were in the van, my dad reversed slowly down the driveway. As my mind raced a thousand miles a second, two of the people I cared for most dearly steadily drove in the opposite direction. As they did like clockwork, as they had every single day of my existence, they headed off to a place that tomorrow might not exist.

I always wondered why they fought so hard for it. What was it about the restaurant that fueled them to literally risk their lives to keep it going? Same with Colette and her family. I mean, I understood protecting your family and community, but why a restaurant? And why at the risk of lifeand limb? My father had already suffered a couple of broken bones, as had Colette’s father.

These guys were ruthless and willing to stop at nothing. And the more I learned about this O’Connor fucker, the less there was to like about him.

“All right, Ford, sweetie. Get your ass over here, I bet you smell like shit,” my mawmaw called out.

Remaining tucked against the massive tree trunk, I watched Mawmaw tighten the shawl around her shoulders and purse her lips.

“Honey, I know you’re lurking out in the forest, and I know you’re waiting to sneak into the house to shower since you weren’t able to yesterday. So, either you get your behind over here and give me a hug, or I guess I’ll tell your—”

I quickly ducked into the street and wrapped my free hand around the strap of my rucksack. “Hey, Mawmaw,” I gently said. Damn, I was a softie, because all it took was a fucking offer for a hug… and I really wanted a hug from her. As tears misted my vision, I clutched my duffel tighter and jogged down the road as she took an unsteady step off the porch.

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