Page 71 of His Hot Mess

Maybe this was all I was going to be—a running fool, dying an old man on the top of that fool hill.

If that was the case, I’d thought, I might as well start acting the part. I’d stripped off my clothes and jumped into the lake, where I floated on my back and looked at the stars.

But as the cool water lapped at my skin and my breathing slowed, I knew. I didn’t want to die a lonely old man up on the hill.

I wanted more.

I thought of Casey’s kid, Sam, about how much fun it was tossing the ball around with him at barbecues. I thought of Graydon, talking about paring down work to have a family.

I thought about Sadie. Making her laugh. Kissing her.

Loving her.

I thought about what she’d look like, cradling a baby in her arms.

God, I really was a fool.

* * *

I pickedup my phone and dialed my mom’s number.

“Chris!” Mom exclaimed.

“Hey Mom,” I said, dropping my empty beer bottle into the recycling bin on the back porch.

“I’m so glad you called. You sounded upset earlier.”

“I’m okay,” I said.

There was a long pause. She knew I was lying. She waited for me to speak again. I was the one who phoned her, after all.

Finally, I said, “Mom, Graydon’s getting married.”

A long, pregnant pause hung on the line between us.

Finally, she said, “That’s what it is, isn’t it?”

“What what is?”

“That’s what has you so upset,” she said, her voice quiet.

My stomach did a lurch and I went to the fridge to get another beer.

“Actually it’s not,” I replied. But even as I said it, I knew it was a lie. Yes, my stupid heart was falling out of my chest for Sadie. But I hadn’t been to a wedding since my own. And now I was supposed to get up and stand next to my best friend and colleague marrying the woman of his dreams and pretend everything was totally fine.

It was why the speech had taken me so long, I realized. I’d thought I was putting it off because I was dreading getting up in front of all those people. Which I still was. But it was also just going to the wedding in the first place.

It was also why I’d skipped the rehearsal dinner tonight.

That and I couldn’t bear to face Sadie after everything I’d done.

Graydon had sent me a string of texts and then calls tonight. I’d ignored every single one, like a fucking coward.

“Honey,” Mom said. “Are you okay?”

I swallowed down a hard lump in my throat, looking at the album on the table. “Have you heard anything about Jessica?” I asked finally.

I’d avoided talking to my mom about Jess for 3 years. I didn’t want to know. Even though she still talked to Jess’s parents and had to know about what was going on in her life, she’d never shared anything with me. I’d always appreciated that.

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