Page 74 of His Hot Mess

Somehow admitting the truth felt as good as it did awful.Thiswas love.Thiswas all the things I’d wanted with those other guys.

I promised myself I wouldn’t let this revelation get in the way of me being polite around him today. Calm. Not jumping his bones to confuse the both of us.

After today, there was no reason we’d have to see each other. It would be a delicate dance, in a small town, but we’d figure it out.

The thought made me feel dark inside; like I was floundering in space. But it was what we both needed.

Besides, look how good things were here. Me and Mom and Lucy—three women who hadn’t been in the same room together since we were teenagers—were huddled up close, Mom and me flanking Lucy, Mom actually in a good place, saying the right things, looking at Lucy with tears in her eyes.

We’d met her boyfriend Larry earlier when we drove them to the motel, and to our surprise—Lucy’s most of all—we didn’t hate him? He was sitting out in a pew with aGator Grillt-shirt under his suit jacket. But he was funny and sweet and looked like he genuinely loved our mom.

I was as happy for Mom as I was for Lucy getting to marry Graydon today.

I knew I felt that somewhere, in all the swirl of pain inside of me.

When the organ started outside, my heart began to hammer in my chest. I may have been more nervous than Lucy as I stepped out the door of the vestibule. There, at the foot of the aisle, was Chris.

Staring right at me.

We had to walk all the way from here to the altar together. I wasn’t sure my legs would carry me. I was supposed to link my arm through his, but the thought of touching him made me feel faint.

“I can’t do this,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure who I was talking to. I was the only one there.

We were the only two members of the wedding party, and all heads swiveled towards me.

But I was frozen in place.

What would happen if I ran, right then? If I turned heel and ran from the church, ran from town, ran away and never came back.

But then, Chris smiled at me. It was the smallest curve of his lips, but I could see it as a part of his whole being. He was waiting for me.

I frowned, my arms stiff at my side.

He lifted his elbow, bent against his waist, and my body, as if it knew better than I did, began to move. My legs took steps as if all on their own, carrying me over to his side.

His heart-achingly familiar clean-pine scent made my heart gallop, but still, I managed to jab my arm into his.

“Sadie,” he said, his voice slipping into place like a well-worn notch. Like it was meant for my ears to hear, always.

“Christopher.”

“I know sorry’s not going to cut it,” he said, his voice low now, just for me.

I jerked my face towards him, but he was looking straight ahead. My stupid heart lifted, singing. I turned forward, reminding myself of how broken things were between us. How broken this man was.

How he’d already used all his love up on someone else. I squeezed my hands into fists, my nails biting into my palms, willing myself not to cry at my sister’s happiest day.

I wanted to say something snappy, to tell him he was right, there was no amount of sorry he could say that could fix something unfixable. But the music was playing and expectant, jubilant faces beamed at us arm-in-arm.

A kindly looking old woman gave me a face that clearly said,what a lovely couple.

Despite me fighting it, despite clinging onto the anger, a tear fell onto my cheek as I walked down the aisle with Christopher.

Fuck.

* * *

The tell-tale clinkingof a fork on a glass cut through the raucous conversation and laughter filling the old barn behind Graydon’s place. I waved goodbye to Casey, who scurried back to her table at the side of the barn. My heart felt full, if a little cracked the edges.

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